For Your Listening Pleasure

A Thousand pairs of firey eyes
Burn like a serpent down the hwy 5
As the Long amber tail to Los Angeles unwinds
I've got His resurrection down in side my skin
But for all my revealating
I just cant make sense
Of this gravity we're in

Cause I'm a dead man now
With a ghost who lives
Within the confines of
These carbon ribs
And one day when I'm free
I will sit
The cripple at your table
The cripple by your side

A thousand miles of pain I'm sure
Led you to the threshold
Of my hearts screen door
To tell me what it is I'm dying for
Gravity comes
Like a cold cold Rain
To lead me to the rope again
But someone is standing in my place

Cause I'm a dead man now
With a ghost who lives
Within the confines of
These carbon ribs
And one day when I'm free
I will sit
The cripple at your table
The cripple by your side
The cripple at your table
The cripple by your side

And I sit beside you
And I sit beside you
And I sit beside you
And I sit beside you

Unwrap the Gift

Tonight, I've been searching for that perfect picture. You know, the one that will inspire a great post or at least get me started on something.

No, I didn't find it.

But, I did spend a lot of time looking through pictures I hadn't seen in awhile. It reminded me that we've had some amazing years. Wonderful souls walking through our lives, beautiful moments, and times of complete perfection - although we didn't know it at the time.

I miss those moments. Every now and then my heart aches for them. I want to reach out and hug people from those photos. People I will never hug again this side of heaven for one reason or another. And yet, there's a little piece of joy in that ache. Joy that I even had the memory, joy in what once was - joy even in the pain of what is.

It reminds me that there is beauty and perfection in the present. There is joy in the suffering. When I look back, I won't always remember the hard, but the wonderful. Each day is a gift and I need to start unwrapping that gift.



Mark and I have enjoyed our "vacation" here at home. Unfortunately, we weren't able to head off for our week of "just us" because Mark is interviewing for jobs right now. But we were able to get a lot of time out of the house. We saw just about every movie at Alamo Drafthouse, and took lots of midnight walks - 2 things we love but don't get to do very often. It was nice. And we definitely need to make more time to spend alone this year. Date nights are important!! And worth it.

This month has been beyond stressful, but I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Corbin's physical therapy eval deserves it's own post. It kind of rattled me and hit me off guard. I'll just sum it up by saying he's getting more services included PT and additional OT. I'll write more on this later when I've gotten my bearings on this one.

My gallbladder gets removed Monday. Eek. This is good, but scary too. Not for the surgery - I don't really have the luxury of even worrying about that because I am scrabbling to make sure the kids are cared for and the family keeps functioning while I'm off my feet and Mark is interviewing.

The recovery is not too bad for the average person, but as a mom who regularly lifts 30-40 lbs of kid each day it's not going to be easy. If I had a desk job, I'd be back at it in a few days. Having kids climbing all over you and lifting them up and down is more along the lines of "heavy lifting" and that's out for at least a week. And driving is out as well until I get off the meds. I'm hoping I'm a fast healer and can get through this quickly.

It has really made me notice that I definitely live a much more active life that I admit sometimes, which is why I'm so exhausted at the end of each day! I am often trying to fit in way too much in each day, and I really need to rethink my priorities and trim back on some things once I'm feeling better.

Okay, that's it for now - not sure when I'll have time to blog again in the next week, but I'd love to hear from all of you, so I'll leave you with this:

Of course, one of the movies we saw was Eclipse, and yes I've read all the books. I don't think I'm all swoony over it, but I enjoyed them. One of the questions I kept thinking about after I finished the books was:

If I had an eternity to live, what would I do with all that time?

It's definitely an interesting question, that really got me thinking. Especially, since we do have eternity - although maybe not in these bodies, but I need to remember that this life is just part of a bigger picture in Christ and I need to stop living this life as if it ends - trying to fit in every pleasure and comfort in a race against the clock. There is no clock, there is only Him.

Touch me I'm cold, unable to control
Touch me I'm golden and wild as the wind blows
And tumbling tumbling, don't go fascination
If just for tonight darling, let's get lost
If just for tonight darling, let's get lost

Let's Get Lost - Beck and Bat for Lashes lyrics

It's Gonna Be Alright

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
I don't care what the world throws at me now
It's gonna be alright


Hear the sound of the generations
Making loud our freedom song
All in all that the world would know Your name
I'm gonna be alright


'Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here


Cause You are alive and You live in me
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and it lives in me
Salvation is here
Salvation is here that died just to set me free
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and it lives in me


Lyrics from Salvation is Here (Lincoln Brewster)

Music To My Ears

(Sorry, I'm having trouble starting this post because I'm rockin out while the kids are napping and that makes it difficult to actually think coherently with words that aren't -

SO WHAT, I'm still a rock star....)

The List

Okay, so this could be potentially embarrassing, but here's a screen shot of my iTunes in order of most played (keep in mind my main iTunes stash is on my laptop, not this computer, another "to-do" on my simplify list). Click to see a larger view.



I think Gomez, P!nk, Matisyahu, Matthew West, and Bob Marley go just fine together, thank you very much. Now where to go with this post? I guess you could say I've been recycling music - listening to stuff that I had long ago thrown in the "OLD" category. But each year I get older, I find I like the OLD stuff better. Soon, I'll be like all those grandmothers griping - "I don't get this music today - crazy kids!"

What I Love to Hear

But here are some of my recycled favorites that have stood the test of time, and why I like them:

Mindy Gledhill - Beautiful worship music. She's got this amazing, soft, sweet voice - she could sing the Elmo song and still sound good I'm sure.

Bob Marley - Music is awesome. What can I say? Anyone who's read my blog for awhile knows I love me some Bob Marley. Legend CD is a good place to start.

Baby Mine: Classic Songs for Bedtime - If you have young children, you need this CD. Blissful, sleep inducing lullabies that my children LOVE. If you have any kind of singing voice, it's also a great place for finding easy to sing songs to serenade your babies to sleep.

Solaris (Soundtrack) - I don't know why, but this instrumental soundtrack is just haunting. I love it.

Bob Schneider - If you live in Austin, you've probably heard his music. I still love the old CD Lonelyland and I've had it for almost 8 years.

Muse - One of my favorite bands, hands down. Awesome music, even BETTER lyrics. Every time I listen to their CDs, I discover a new favorite song. Their older Black Holes and Revelations album is ALL good in my opinion.

Geez, I could go on, but your asleep already. My real motivation isn't about what I'm listening to, but what you are.

Who are your favorite artists? Why do you love them? What song does the world HAVE to listen to right now?

Heaven Stands...

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

(JJ Heller: Your Hands)

My world was indeed shaking this weekend when Hayden was hospitalized for his asthma attack. I don't think I'm yet recovered from it. I smile and nod. I say, he's doing much better now. But part of me wants to curl up in a ball and sob. Just to release all the stress of it.

I had to be stronger than I've ever been. There was no time for crying. There was no room for pity. I was fighting. Fighting for the health of Hayden. I put on my game face and just "did it". I restrained him for breathing treatments, vital signs, shots, whatever needed to be done I did it. And when he begged for them to stop and cried out "No hurta me", I didn't break down and cry - I said (in my best firm Momma voice) "Hayden, you have to do it. If you fight it's going to be worse. It's ok baby".

I endured it. I came through it. A little stronger, a little weaker.

And when we came home from the hospital on Sunday night, I sucked it up and went back into Momma mode. 10 hours of sleep in 4 days + stress + intense physical restraining = exhausted. But someone's gotta be Momma on Monday.

And where did that "strength" come from? I think it came from Him. Somehow, despite the constant beeping of the STUPID pulse alarm that kept coming off, and the 24/7 screaming and crying of Hayden, and the exhaustion, and and and...despite all THAT, I felt this peace. And I felt a confidence, that I could endure it, even though it felt impossible.

And for that, I'm thankful.

Hayden is back home now after his 2 day stay, and doing much better. You'd never know he'd just spent his birthday in the hospital.

Unplugging

Tomorrow, or uh today since it's 12 am, I will be unplugging. I will be turning this evil laptop off! No constant and obsessive checking email, no reading blogs, no chatting, nothing. I will spend the entire day OFF of the computer.

I will enjoy my boys. I will go for a walk. I will play with toy cars and read stories.

I will not watch TV. I will read books and sit peacefully enjoying the weather while the boys are down for their afternoon nap.

I will just enjoy life. Not a life portrayed on TV or life written about in a blog, but my life.

Follow through, make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight, you will be alright

'Cause there's no one like you in the universe

Don't be afraid what your mind consumes
You should make a stand, stand up for what you believe

And tonight we can truly say, together we're invincible

During the struggle they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say, together we're invincible

Do it on your own, it makes no difference to me
What you leave behind, what you choose to be

And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable.

Lyrics From:
Song Title: Invincible
Artist: Muse

To the Sea

I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me through the mountains
Through the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

Lyrics from Crystal

One of my favorite songs, highly recommend Stevie Nicks Crystal - good stuff. Drowns out the whimpers of my munchkin who is fighting sleep in his swing next to me.

Sometimes I wish the outer me, matched the inner me. The inner me who is on fire, burning deeply, passionate. It's unfortunate that the word passionate has been so misused as of late. It's become cliché. Passion should be a deep burning desire that's screaming to get out. An ache at the core of who you are. Instead it's become a soap opera. Ugh.


Passion

NOUN:

1. Sexual hunger: amativeness, concupiscence, desire, eroticism, erotism, itch, libidinousness, lust, lustfulness, prurience, pruriency. See DESIRE, SEX. 2. A subject or activity that inspires lively interest: craze, enthusiasm, mania, rage. See CONCERN. 3. Passionate devotion to or interest in a cause or subject, for example: ardor, enthusiasm, fervor, fire, zeal, zealousness. See CONCERN, FEELINGS. 4. A strong, enthusiastic liking for something: love, love affair, romance. See LOVE. 5. The passionate affection and desire felt by lovers for each other: amorousness, fancy, love, romance. See LOVE, SEX. 6. Powerful, intense emotion: ardor, fervency, fervor, fire. See FEELINGS. 7. An angry outburst: fit2, huff, tantrum, temper. Informal : conniption, conniption fit. See FEELINGS.

**from Roget

Number 6 hits it.

Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

Yeah, passion. We've all got it. Some of us just have it buried so deep we're dead.

Sweatin to the Silence

So I admit it, today is the first day I've worked out. But hey, better late than never. As soon as Hayden was down for his morning nap, I threw on the workout clothes and headed to the garage. (All workout equipment is located in the garage). I put my headphones in and cranked up the treadmill. I put the timer on 5 minutes for a quick warm up. Then I reset to 10 minutes for running. And as I'm running there, staring at the wall, all kinds of thoughts are rushing through my head. But, the most common thought is, jeez when will this damn timer go off? So I run, and I run, and ... oh shit I never turned on my damn mp3 player. Running in silence has never worked for me, no wonder I'm draggin' ass.

So I'm running, and running, and...who am I Forest Gump? Damn when is this timer gonna go off? So I take a quick look, and damnit again! I forgot to hit start. Bah! So who knows how long I've been running at this point.

But the music did help get through the rest of the workout. I especially liked Evanescence's "Bring Me To Life" - lyrics totally hit me:

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core, where I've become so numb.

Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,
Until you find it there and lead it back home.

Wake me up. Wake me up inside. I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside. Save me
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run. Before I come undone.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real.
Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
Without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight, I can't believe I couldn't see kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here.
There must be something more.
Bring me to life.

Wow, yes this song says something to me. And although Amy Lee wrote it about her lover (now husband), it's a perfect fit for God, the ultimate Lover. The only lover who could answer these questions and longings. Anywho, just the perfect song this morning.

And to totally relax and write this blog: Bebel Gilberto - So Nice (Summer Samba). I'd totally recommend her with a bottle of wine and bubble bath. (Sorry guys, probably not the music for you). Hmmm...that sounds good. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow, hah!

Must buy wine today! Hehe.

Oooh, and for some good scents try this:

Slowly simmer a pot filled with water, some cinnamon sticks, cloves, ground nutmeg, vanilla extract, and citrus peels.