A Day of Yes

Inspired by this post, I decided to try a little experiment she called "A Day of Yes".  My rules were simple, whatever the kids asked of me, I would say yes.  The only exceptions being decisions that would affect their safety or lead them into disobedience.  This day was not about ER visits or creating spoiled brats - so let's just get those comments/reactions off the table.

I learned a lot about myself in this experiment.  First, I learned that I often say no out of convenience.

When Hayden asked to go to the park (which we were driving right by), my first reaction was no.  Not because we didn't have time, but because it was overcast and looked like rain.  I didn't "feel" like hauling the kids out and then chancing that we might all get wet and I'd have to wrestle them back into the car.

When Hayden asked to eat inside the restaurant instead of running through the drive-thru, my first reaction was no.  I didn't want to deal with waiting in line and handling trays with two small kids.

In both cases, I corrected my "instant no" to a "yes" and we had quite an enjoyable afternoon that would have been missed because of my own laziness.

How many other opportunities am I missing out on because of my resistance to the unknown?  Sure, it could have rained - but it only sprinkled.  Eating in the restaurant could have been a nightmare, but it wasn't.  Am I willing to take the risk or do I choose to do nothing because of the difficulties that might arise?

Second, I learned that I often say no without really thinking over the decision.  My first reaction is always no.  I'm not sure I like that.  I caught myself saying no without hesitation all day.  Most conversations that day went like this:

Hayden: Can we do X?
Me: No.  I mean, umm, yes.

Before I even realized I'd said no, it was already out of my mouth!  I think I am passing up great opportunities left and right because I have been a "No" person.

I don't want to be a "No" person.  So this week I've been a Yes person - and that has made all the difference.

Yes, we can play at the park.

Yes, I will have a lunch date out with a friend.

Yes, I will learn to hoop.

Yes, I will learn to quilt.

Yes, we will plant a garden.

Yes, I will live my life!!

Extreme Makeover: Heart Edition

Extreme Makeover: Heart Edition was the theme of our women's retreat this year, and that's just what it was for me - a heart makeover.

I have so much to process from this weekend, that I can't even really put it into words that well yet.  This was my second women's retreat and I came into it with absolutely no expectations this year.

Last year I had built up The Retreat as if it was going to be some sort of spiritual awakening or transformation - a mountain-top experience you might say.  But between my completely unrealistic expectations, poor attitude, and my unwillingness to step out of my comfort-zone, I was left tired, disappointed, and discouraged.

This year I approached things entirely different and that has made all the difference.  Here are a few of the things that I learned:

1. Let Go
Last year I was in the driver's seat controlling every aspect of my "experience".  I chose one of my roommates beforehand, tried to force relational connections, and already had a plan in mind for how I was going to spend my time at the retreat.  Needless to say, I was ignoring the promptings of the Holy Spirit and I fell flat on my face.

2. Get Comfortable with the Unknown
This year my attempts at making roommate plans didn't pan out.  But, I was ok with that.  I approached it with the attitude of trust in God's greater plan and looked forward to connecting with whoever I ended up with.

3. Leave Your Complaints at Home
There will always be things you don't like.  I think last year I had a spirit of complaining instead of an open heart.   I picked at the things I didn't like and focused on the negatives instead of the positives.  This year when I heard the first inkling of a complaint coming out of my mouth I quickly prayed for a cheerful heart.

4. Don't Make Excuses
I used my shyness as an excuse not to open up and connect.  I blamed the setup of the connection time instead of the true problem - my unwillingness to make myself vulnerable to others.  Fear of rejection and a superior attitude stopped me from making what might have been amazing friendships.  Again, my controlling spirit had already "picked out" the handful of new friends I wanted to make and brushed the rest aside.  In the end, I connected with no one.  Ouch!

5. Cherish Others
Each woman at the retreat is a wonderfully made child of God.  All of us have beauty and amazing gifts to share with each other and we should treat each other with that in mind.  I cherished each conversation and connection I was able to make throughout the retreat and was richly blessed with the hearts of each woman I spent time with.  Regardless of our season of life, age, or backgrounds we all have love to share with one another and a deep connection as sisters in Christ.  We can also learn from one another as we each bring our different perspectives to the table.

6. Get Rid of Your Insecurities
Insecurity is really just a preoccupation of self.  We are self-absorbed!  Once we take our minds of ourselves and place them on Christ and others, thoughts like "I hope they like me" aren't an issue.  It doesn't matter if they like me or not - I will still show Christ's love to them.  I will still be warm and friendly, encouraging and supportive.  It doesn't matter what I'm wearing or what I know/do/am.  Trust me, no one is thinking about you!!  One imperfection and we think the whole world notices, but they don't.  And when we can let go of that, we can be free to open up to others.

I can't wait to write more on this amazing retreat and everything I learned - this is really just the tip of the iceburg!!!

But in the meantime, if you've been on a retreat - what were some of your experiences (good and bad) or Ah-ha! moments?

Doing What Works

Everywhere you turn, people are always trying to give you advice.  And generally, it's good, well-meaning advice.  We all have opinions on just about everything!  We've read the blogs, books, and watched the documentaries or shows on X, Y, or Z.

But, then there's reality.  What I should do verses what I can do.

I have spent a lot of effort over the last 10 years failing at what I should do and this month I gave up and started doing what I can do.  Let me elaborate.

1. My grandmother once told me never to put my knives in the dishwasher because they would get dull.  For years now, I have had knives continuously on my counter piling up to be hand washed because "You can't put knives in the dishwasher".  This has led to me having an ongoing dirty dishes issue that I just couldn't conquer.

This month I decided that they were my knives and I'll throw them in the dishwasher if I want to.  I'd rather buy a new set of knives every year than see another dirty knife piled up on my counter.  And you know what?  I haven't had dirty dishes sit longer than a few hours in my kitchen over the last month.   This small change has made a huge impact in my life.

Regardless of how good the advice was, it just wasn't working for me.  It was good advice, but as a mother of two small children - I just don't have time to hand wash dishes.  Using the dishwasher saves me so much time and time is limited right now.

2. Being "green" and "natural" is a hot topic everywhere you turn.  I am constantly inundated with ways I need to be greener or more natural, and how this or that product is giving me cancer.  It's enough to make you hide under the covers.  So, of course, I was trying to do my part to use more natural products for cleaning and laundry.  Only, my "new and improved" products don't actually clean as well as my old ones.  I have to scrub longer and more often, and stains don't come out as easily of my clothes, and now I'm having to spend time making some of my cleaners, etc.  Basically, that meant my bathrooms looked grungy, our clothes had stains, laundry was piling up, my new natural deodorant was giving me a rash, I was spending a lot of effort trying to do just basic cleaning, and let's not even talk about my shampoo experience.

Although, I love the idea of "going natural" with my cleaners and products - I just need to step back for a time and regroup.  Maybe I will keep a few things, but for now I'm going to do what works.

3. Health is an important topic as it effects every part of our lives.  And there are a LOT of opinions on what we should and should not eat, drink, etc.  One of those being the great caffeine debate.  I am a caffeinated woman.  I like my morning latte.  No, scratch that, I need my morning latte.  At this stage in the game, with kid filled days, early wake-ups, late catch-ups (i.e. doing all the work that I couldn't do with the kids awake), and everything else - I need that extra boost.   Is caffeine unhealthy?  I'm sure.  But right now, not having my morning coffee just doesn't work for me.   Now maybe in the future I will wake up peacefully, do some yoga and sip some decaf tea - but right now I'm full-octane baby.

It all just wasn't working for me.  And read that correctly, I said "For me!!!".  Me, the person who is typing this, not you, the person who is reading this.  I have no idea what works for you.  I only know what works for me.  Maybe you spend luxurious hours hand washing your knives, while composting your kitchen scraps, whipping up a new batch of deodorant, and saving the world!  But, I, alas - am not that skilled.  And yet, maybe one day I will be.  Maybe this is just the me right now and the future me will be able to try some of these things again.  Because, like I said - the advice is good!  It just doesn't work for me.

And yet, lots of other things do work for me.  I've been able to happily incorporate them into my life without killing the quality of my life.    Although, those will be different for each of us.  I may never use paper plates, but for you that might be the pivotal piece that keeps life turning in your household.  And that's good!! Do what works for you and what keeps your family going during these seasons of chaos.

My hope is that, as women, wives and mothers (and you guys too), we can support and encourage each other instead of judge and criticize for what we can't accomplish or what we need to do just to stay sane!

So, if you can relate - what "advice" do you need to discard so that you can begin to function? :)

Christmas Reflection

The Holy Spirit has really been working on me this Christmas season as I've been trying to navigate the holiday with two small children and a world that's focused on the trappings of Christmas instead of Christ Himself.  I've been worrying over if our Christmas is "Christ" enough and how we celebrate this or that.   And right in the middle of that the Holy Spirit quietly nudged me and said:

Christmas is every day - not just December 25th.  Christmas is how I live my life each and every day.  Am I living it looking toward our Savior and relying on Him for all of my needs?  Or am I seeking the fulfillment of those needs elsewhere?

This past year has been a slow, but steady transformation of looking to Christ each and every day.  My life is Christ and there is no difference between December 25th and December 26th - my thoughts, actions, and faith are still the same.

It doesn't matter how many nativity scenes I put up, or if I booted Santa from the house, or if I went to church 7 times that week, or made a cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus.  Doing is not living.  Living is every moment of every day - and I must live Christ each day.

I hope you all had a very blessed Christmas and pray for God's blessings for you for 2011.

Rethinking the "Norm"

At Hayden's Birthday Party

This year we've been changing up a lot of how we "usually" do things.  There are a lot of values and character traits that I think are important to develop in our kids, and I am seeing more and more little ways we can contribute to that.  I also remember the aftermath of how we've done things in previous years and how I was left with an unsettling feeling of what I might be teaching our children!

The first was "The Birthday".  It has traditionally been a time where Hayden is lavished with gifts from both friends and family.  And, of course, there is nothing wrong with that.  However, he received so many gifts that he had very little appreciation for them!!  And that really saddened me.

I don't want Hayden or Corbin growing up without true thankfulness and appreciation for what they receive.  Having an overabundance of possessions can contribute to mistreating his toys and taking these things for granted.  Why be thankful for a new toy truck when you already have 10?  The truck would just land in the pile of seldom played with toys.

And how could they truly play with their toys if their selection was so great they could move from one toy to another all day without every running out of new toys to play with!

Hayden sharing his birthday hat with his friend Jake

I didn't like what I saw - and I also didn't like admitting that I was one of the primary causes of it.  The children don't buy the toys, I do.

So this year, we tried something new.  Hayden received one gift from us this year - a tricycle.  We also asked a few of our close friends to donate can goods in place of a gift for a food drive our church was participating in.  This opened the door for us to talk to Hayden about other boys and girls who went to bed hungry at night and didn't have all the toys and food that he did.  

We also shared a birthday party with two other four year olds who had birthdays in November.  It was a great way to show him that it was "not all about him" and for him to think of others - even on his birthday!

Hayden jumping off the slide

And what a wonderful day it was with those few changes!  Hayden got 3 presents from his friends that he has truly loved and enjoyed.  He also was excited about all the food we got to feed the hungry kids - "Wow!" (his words, hehe).  And he had no problem sharing the "spotlight" with his friends that day.

Mark and Corbin going down the big slide!

His birthday went so well, we're going to try and make similar changes to Christmas well.  Focusing more on Christ and the meaning of Christmas than the free-for-all gift extravaganza of years past.  I'll be posting more on that later!

I still can't believe our little boy is four!!

Hayden blowing out his candles.

Taking off our Goggles

Haha. So I got a lot of different reactions to my Unplugging post (most specifically about FB) and it left me thinking. Which is good - that's why I love your comments. We all live such different lives and come through different experiences to get us where we are right now. I love that.

We each have our own unique perspective on the world and until someone pulls off our "goggles" and let's us try on theirs - we sometimes miss that not everything works or is "good" for someone else. I think that's one of the things that can bother me the most about blogs and FB - negativity and judgments.

Here's a small example of what I'm talking about:

A while back, I came across a post on a blog I read regularly that was pretty critical and judgmental, and even a bit proud and boastful. The content of the post was about taking your kids to the dentist and and how well her child behaved - so much so that the dentist complemented her on it. She then contrasted that with another child she saw throwing a fit in another room. From that she went on to bullet points on why she was a good parent and inferring probably why this other child was having difficulties.

The "abridged" version of the points:

1. It starts with good parenting.
2. We don't project our feelings onto our kids.
3. We prepare them in advance for what will happen, and I tell them what is expected of them.
4. We don't ever mention needles, or fear, or drills.
5. We really praise them for doing a good job after.

(Another point was that her kids don't watch a lot of TV - a hot topic among moms - and that they liked watching the shows at the dentist more than other kids because of that).

These, of course, are all wonderful points for preparing your child for the dentist.

However, is the comparing and judging of other children really necessary? In our day, we see a "snapshot" of some else's life...not the full picture - we have no idea what's truly going on in the next office over and patting ourselves on the back for being "better" than another parent is a bad habit to get into (believe me, I'm guilty of it too!!).

And so, I needed to give her my "goggles" to adjust her perspective, so I sent her this:

I think experiences are also a factor. My son has had a lot of doctor visits, surgeries, tests, hospital stays and poking and prodding for all three years of his life. All of this has added up to him having a general fear of all doctor related visits, because despite any confidence building - most of his visits DO hurt or are uncomfortable (i.e. shots, drawing blood, ear drum vibration tests, people holding him down against his will).

At this point, even bribery has no effect, let alone talking about what will happen. I'm afraid it will take him longer to get over this.

Also, if they have language and hearing disabilities, sometimes there is no way to prepare them for what to expect - which was our case for 2 1/2 of those years.

We try to measure it in small improvements. At this point he is now able to have a conversation about seeing doctors without fear and even sit in the office waiting without getting upset beforehand.

I can't wait for the day he'd sit in a dentist chair! That would be a huge milestone.

Perspective adjusted! And once she read this comment, the light bulb came on and she was very gracious and seemed to understand this "new" perspective.

But, this is often the case over and over again on FB and blogs. Having two special needs children is a different experience and gives you different "goggles". You often read statements that leave your jaw hanging open and saying "But...but...what about...that's not a fair judgment...etc".

You understand that the "crazy, out of control, tantruming" child may not just be "a brat" or product of crappy parenting, but might be coping with massive frustration combined with the inability to speak or communicate on top of being a two year old (which is frustrating enough, HA!). The child who literally RUNS out of the ER crying might not just be disobedient, but may have memories of his last hospital stay where he had to stay in a crib for 2 days with wires attached to his foot and a tube taped to his face.

And, of course, this is not limited to children. We all have different experiences and reasons for what we do and it's so important that we remember that! What works for us, may not work for all.

And yet, FB and blogs are not all bad! I've been able to connect and stay in touch with friends across the planet! I'm able get a glimpse into the lives of my friends even if we can't just drive over for dinner. I get to see my friend's kids grow up before my eyes in pictures and blogs and feel like I got to be a small part of it. Those are all wonderful things and I shouldn't forget that, or exclude my friends from being apart of our lives as well!

So, while there are obviously some things that I don't like (and this post only mentions one), I also feel there are enough positive aspects to continue using FB in a limited way! Just enough to keep up with my far-away friends and to post some updates now and again to keep in touch! Mark got me a new phone this month that should help me use FB in a balanced way, so I'm able to still update but without it taking up too much time!

So there. My perspective has been adjusted.

Rat Nest Kids

I was dropping off Hayden at school the other day, when I happened to see two kids with the craziest hair. This was serious bedhead. You know, the kind that looks like a bird might be living in there. It was a brother and sister, and they both had matching hair.

Now first of all, the school Hayden's program is at is in a very wealthy neighborhood - and these kids were no exception. So these aren't disadvantaged kids who don't own a comb. The mom drives a nice car and obviously lives close.

It hit me that this mom had just been talking last week about how she likes to stay busy and was even organizing a marathon. At the time I thought - wow.

I don't know what the deal was with the hair that day. Maybe they all woke up late. Or maybe it was bad hair day at school. Maybe mom decided that the kiddos were old enough to be responsible for their own hair and was trying to teach them a lesson. Who knows. I'm not judging this mom, all I saw was a snapshot. My kids have spent most of their lives with crazy hair - it's the Zavala trademark.

But that snapshot got me thinking about myself.

I hope I'm never so busy that my kids take a backseat to my life.

I hope I always have time for the small things in their life. I pray I'm there to listen to their stories, dreams, and heart aches. I don't want to dismiss their thoughts and needs. I don't want an attitude of annoyance or frustration when they are interfering with my plans.

I hope I always remember that they bless me, not the other way around.

Psalms 127:3

Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from Him.

Photo by meddygarnet

There's a Lesson Here

When Hayden was younger, I dreaded baby well checks. In each visit, they always found something wrong. As a new mom, it was nerve racking. The last thing you want to hear is that your baby has a problem.

Taking things for granted

There are so many little things our children do that we take for granted. And if you stop and think about it, they are really miraculous achievements. It's only when, they don't do something that you suddenly appreciate how complicated and difficult it really is. Learning to sit, crawl, eat, walk, and talk. They are all feats of wonder that we should look on with awe.

It's more than just talking

We are all excited to hear that much anticipated "Mommy" or "Daddy", to finally be able to communicate and teach our little ones about our world - but when it doesn't happen - you are led down this Alice and Wonderland world of communication. The word "talking" just doesn't cover it. Receptive language, expressive language, articulation, fluency - the list goes on. From there you go into hearing tests, surgeries, evaluations, and therapy. You learn about programs, therapists, and classes. Techniques, strategies, and sign language. A new world opens up to you.

Shame and guilt

Every parent carries the burden for the life of their child. When something happens, the first question you might ask yourself is "What did I do wrong?" Did I not read to them enough? Or maybe I didn't label items enough? I'm an introvert - maybe that's what's wrong, I don't talk enough? Maybe they didn't get enough vegetables? Or perhaps I shouldn't have said yes to that vaccine? Suddenly, you're questioning every parenting decision you've ever made, looking for the cause.

Losing the bragging game

There's an unspoken game that parents play with each other where we list the achievements and proud parent moments to all who will listen. It's a natural overflow of your delight in your own children, you want everyone to know how special and amazing they are. And we all do it in some form or another. Yet, it seems when you have a child with a disability or some other delay - you slowly learn to step down from this "game". Not because your child isn't amazing and wonderful, but because you now see the other side of this game. How this "measures" them in what they can or can't do and sets up false expectations and disappointments unfairly for them. I know there are many things that at one time or another my children couldn't do, but that doesn't make them any less in my eyes.

Walking with experience

Walking this road once before with Hayden, has prepared me for the battle ahead. Corbin's 18 month well check resulted in what I had expected - a referral for a speech evaluation. Corbin still has no words, and prefers pointing and limited baby sign language as his method of communication. Yet, instead of the fear, disappointment, and confusion I faced the first time around, I meet this with acceptance, peace, and understanding.

Encouragement

Our children and the challenges we've faced so far with them have made us better parents. They've made me cherish every word and achievement, see them for the amazing wonders they are, and have developed peace and patience in me. I wouldn't be the person and mother I am if we hadn't had these struggles. With each new battle I face I now pose the question: What's the lesson here?

What lessons have you learned from either your own struggles or those of your children? How has that helped you today?

Release

We're finally company-free tonight. And it feels really good. I feel like my true purpose and duties always get clouded when I'm trying to please someone else. And I suppose they do.

Now I need to pick up the pieces of my real life and put everything back in order. What does Mark need? Have I been supporting him? I haven't gotten to talk to him. What does he need me to do?

Time to get the kids off the TV and back into the family world.

Time to get back to the running of the house.

I used to feel overwhelmed by the duties that can back up while you're entertaining, now I'm energized by them. I feel out of sorts if I'm not doing them, and happy to get back to my own life.

I'm a "pleaser" personality, and it's draining for me when I am unable to "please" someone even when I'm trying so hard. I always feel like I fail at that with my mom. I just need to realize that there is nothing I can do to please her. My duties are to my husband and children, not to her. My worth comes from my relationship with God, not my relationship with her. And that's ok.

So I feel a release when the visit is over. I can go back to being myself. Let my guard down. Put my focuses back where they should be, and never should have left.

I love my mother. All I want is for her to be happy with me. I've been striving for it my whole life. And that's the problem.

But I guess that's the mother/daughter drama eh? I may open up comments on this one for some discussion. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? How have you worked through your conflicts? What attitudes/perspective have you achieved?

Going All In

You starting walking down this path, and suddenly you can't see where you came from. That's kind of what I feel like right now.

Stepping out of everything I once clung to desperately. Wrapping my head around realizing the ultimate lie. It's so ingrained that you don't even question it. And when you do start to question it, it's kind of like you move away from every thing and everyone. No longer chasing it, yet fighting it at the same time.

Wanting to shout it to the world, but almost not believing it myself. Watching everything I valued turn worthless. That's the scary part. Your system of value and worth are pulverized - but only to you, the world keeps spinning its web.

Seeing the things your once cherished and obsessed over become vanity, distractions. I love writing this blog. But it became clear to me that I need to protect myself from the inherent narcissism that can attach itself to blogging. Living for the readers, comments and approval. Hence, I've turned off comments. Not like anyone was commenting as of late anyway, so no loss there. But it one less distraction in my life.

Like the title says, it's just me right now.

I'm picking apart the ultimate lie - that living for your own desires and needs bring satisfaction, happiness, or even contentment - and replacing it with the truth - Glorifying God is the only thing that will bring me satisfaction. I never "got" this. It was always church-speak to me. Yeah, yeah, glorify God, whatever that means. Won't I be satisfied with a nice house, some money in the savings and the well-behaved kids and thoughtful husband? No? Why not? It's everything I WANT.

What? What I want won't bring me satisfaction? I don't get it.

It's kind of like a law...no it is a law. God's law. Kind of like gravity. I may want to fly, but gravity keeps me firmly planted on the ground. But every year I seem to get closer to my "perfect" picture of life, and guess what I'm finding? I'm still not satisfied. Uh. Oops. Maybe there's something to this glorifying God stuff. Yeah, maybe.

So I guess this is the point where I go "all in" or keep chasing my tail in circles. Almost content. Almost satisfied. If we could just have this, or do this, or be this...

I go all in. I refuse to live a purposeless life. I refuse to make the goal of my life having a pile of junk that someone else has to toss when I die or a collection of pleasure seeking memories or a never-ending quest for that last desire to fulfill my satisfaction. There's something more out there.

Pillars of Sand

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

~Viva la Vida, Coldplay

What are the castles I'm building?

I'll be the first to admit, my small group time usually falls into "social" time, not any kind of spiritual growth.

But now, every time I sit down to enjoy my coffee and dessert, I'm hit over the head with thought provoking, heart changing, life altering truth.

Whoa, what? Look people, I just want to eat my chocolate in peace. I wasn't expecting heart surgery. And yet, there it is. And I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. No fancy study or 10 steps to a better Christian or some new church-wide experiment. Nope.

And, it's not some revolutionary, I'm a new person thing. It's like God is chipping off a tiny piece at a time. I'm getting the feeling this is a slow process - like lifetime slow.

This week - my thoughts swirl around how I put limitations on God. And what does it look like to not limit God? El Shaddai - God Almighty. Almighty - unlimited in power. He can make the impossible possible. He made the rules (of nature) and He can break them as He pleases (and does).

What does it mean to not place limits on God though? Surely one cannot expect that God will offer up a miracle anytime you ask. He also doesn't promise there won't be suffering, in fact He plainly tells us that their WILL be suffering.

Do I limit Him through my own perceptions of who He is? Or what I think He wants for me? Or my doubt that He could even care about or have a plan for one person out of the billions running around on this planet?

Do I make my own life (castles) without any regard to His will? And where does that lead? And where does this path lead? This slow discovery path. Me asking, Him answering.

At least I didn't cry this time.

I've had a lot of castles. And often the walls did "close" on me and those castles crumbled. I'm sure I still do have castles I'm building. Family was a castle of mine. The perfect family. Great husband, kids, home. And then that castle crumbled when we found out about hubby's MS. No longer was our future certain (as if it ever was). My perfect picture was gone, replaced by fear and uncertainty. Will Mark always be able to work? What will his future be? No one knows. He could be fine or ...

I had the castle of the perfect kids. I now know that there are no perfect kids, and certainly no perfect parents. Both of our children have challenged us in ways we never would have expected.

The demolition of each of these castles has brought me slowly down to my knees. Where I'm learning that this life is a wild ride, and I'd like someone who knows what they're doing to drive. And I'll give you a clue - that's NOT me.

So I'm starting to leave my "dreams" and instead follow my "path" - the one created just for me, wherever that goes.

This post really has no ending, my mind just keeps meditating on that question "how do I limit God" and I think this is something I'll be processing until the next small group. Anyone else have input on this? Or should I just stick to talking about my groceries? HA!

Breaking Through the Wall

How do I come across? Differently in person than through writing (if you know me in RL)? Either way, what's the consensus - I'm interested. What does an objective eye see?


I'll be the first to admit, I have a bit of a wall...ok a rock hard cement exterior that protects me at all times. Sure, I can throw out vulnerability cards like no ones business. Make you quickly seem at ease, that I too, have felt that awkwardness, insecurity, whatever. It helps hide my real insecurities if we're busy talking about yours.

I can tell a funny "look what I did" story that shows a flaw I deem acceptable and tolerable.

But how much am I really revealing? And how much am I hiding behind my wall?

My wall of perceived relaxation - that anything is fine, roll with the punches, I can handle it attitude. My wall of experiences - this is what worked or didn't work for me, try this, you should do this. My wall of shyness - not exposing myself or even abilities I possess for fear of failure (like did you know I've been a pianist for 20 years? and no, don't ask me to play for you). My wall of kids - telling stories about kids or focusing on the kids to avoid focusing on me.

But every now and then, that wall cracks. Just enough for the waters - tears of vulnerability - to seep through. If I'm lucky, I'm alone when it happens. Once in a while, I'm not. This week was one of those not alone weeks.

I'm at our small group, we meet weekly and yeah we talk about God and we "do" life. Sitting at the coziest dining table you could ever dream of, I'm surrounded by my group - for some reason everyone in attendance is about 20 years my senior. My usual comfort zone folks aren't there. Not that I need comfort in this place. There's something special about this place. You can feel it the minute you walk in the door. I couldn't explain it to you in a thousand words or years - it's just an experience.

We open up with a devotional that one of the group members brought. And I had one of those "goosebumps" moments. We get goosebumps when we get cold, but why do we get them when our soul is stirred? That's the only way I can explain it - my soul is stirred. A beautiful view, an enchanting refrain of music, or an uncanny coincidence, the presence of God - they all do it.

The topic was on this verse in Luke 11:9-10:

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened.

Last week after the kids were in bed and I had some moments alone (generally the minutes before I fall asleep - I know I'm a horrible "Christian") I prayed. I prayed that I wouldn't spend my life just going through the motions of faith. That faith would be real to me. Specifically, that verse was in my mind. I prayed, I'm seeking, I'm knocking, I'm asking.

The popular statement today, is "give your life to God". Let Him direct you, etc. As a mother, at home, mainly serving the needs of others - I couldn't see how this applied to me. What did I have to give? I've no career to hand over. I've no money. Little time left over after taking care of my family. What's my place?

I asked. I asked in a heart achingly kind of way. And, no there was no burning bush moment with the voice of God or angels answering. No prophetic dreams or spirit stirrings. I simply fell asleep.

So as I sat there at the dining room table and heard this very verse spoken and then His answer in James 4:8-10:

Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash your hands you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded (hypocrites). Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before God, and He will lift you up.

Humble. (Insert quiet laughing and regretful smile here) How could I be humble if I can't let anyone see my faults? Or my weaknesses?

The moment hit me, and passed without any comment from me. Silence. My wall forbid it. God had answered my prayer and I sat there and said nothing. We went on. Other topics. Finally, the question was posed - something along the lines of - Why are we able to "get" Elohim (the name for God the creator, the name used throughout Genesis and other books about God's works), but not Jehovah (the name God used for himself whenever he was trying to relationally connect with people)? Or in other words, why do we have trouble having a personal relationship with God?

That was it. I felt like laughing and crying and screaming and... Why do I have trouble with my relationship with God?? WHY?

So I said calmly - I think we try to do the "right things" - read from our daily bible reading plan (check), pray for the "needs" in our lives (check), worship (check) - but is any of that really connecting to Him??

And then I cry. I freakin sob. And I can't...stop...it. I feel like a complete idiot with my wall down and I cry. Everyone is staring at me and I cry. I don't even know WHY exactly I'm crying. But there I am, crying.

I'm crying for my humanness (or less PC term, sinfulness). I'm crying because he answered my prayer. I'm crying because I feel worthless. I'm crying because I'm learning that I can't do ANYTHING alone. I'm crying because I've been fighting Him. I'm crying because I can't see Him or be in His presence all...the...time. I'm crying because...I'm crying...and I don't cry.

Ugh, how completely embarrassing. I completely lost my wall. And everyone sitting there, all NINE of them saw me. They saw me how God sees me, and I felt naked. And, I was speechless. I had nothing.

I'm glad they had lots of comforting words or it would have been really awkward - for them of course, it was already awkward for me, you know, sitting there in all my craziness.

So for that brief period of time - 45 minutes tops - I was me. No walls, no faking. Just me, and my soul, crying out to God. Of course, I quickly blame hormones. I am on my period, ya know.

Super Woman No Longer

I've come to realize, I'm no longer a super woman. What do I mean by that? I can no longer go for a run, clean up the house, take a shower, fix my hair, make a delicious breakfast, and dress to the 9s all by 8am. Heck, I can't even write a blog post in one sitting. HA!

I am a super woman no longer, and that's ok.

It's quite a process these days, just to go in the backyard. Both kids need diaper changes first thing in the morning. Hayden gets his 2 bananas and milk, Corbin a bottle.

Hayden wanders by again and I can smell that it's time for another diaper change.

Kids need new clothes for the day. I wrestle with both to accomplish that.

Hayden decides to spread his legos all over the living room floor. Of course these need to be cleaned up (by him) before he can go play outside. I know he'd rather be outside than in, but somehow cleaning up legos takes him 30 minutes and me saying "Clean up your legos and we can go outside" about 100 times.

During all this, I realize that I'll need a cup of coffee to survive this day (which started earlier than usual with the pitter patter of Hayden's little feet and sweet giggles after he'd climbed over his baby gate to come wake up Momma). While Hayden is dragging his feet on cleanup I sneak in a quick cup of coffee. Okay, well half a cup. It gets cold before I get to the last half.

By 10:30 I finally get both kids outside to enjoy the last bits of the cooler morning. Luckily, this week it is slow to get hot and we had plenty of time. Come July, this routine will not work, as it will probably be 90 before I get us all outside.

Sometimes I wonder what the point of all this is. But somehow it feels right. And maybe life is just in the doing. Loving, Helping, Creating, Caring. I think that might be worth more than all the Mt Everest climbs, or worldly success. Something deep down inside me quietly says, yes, it is.

I know that Mark and I decided to have children. But God gave them to us. As many find out, just because you want children, doesn't always mean you get them. And if you are given the blessing, you (I) should never forget what a precious gift the really are. And we are really just caretakers of God's children for a short time.

So let's go enjoy that time.

Hayden at the moment is sitting at his picnic table drumming his fingers waiting for a "snack". I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't know what a snack is, as every time I bring him something (apple, pretzels) he smiles and then says "Snack?"