You starting walking down this path, and suddenly you can't see where you came from. That's kind of what I feel like right now.
Stepping out of everything I once clung to desperately. Wrapping my head around realizing the ultimate lie. It's so ingrained that you don't even question it. And when you do start to question it, it's kind of like you move away from every thing and everyone. No longer chasing it, yet fighting it at the same time.
Wanting to shout it to the world, but almost not believing it myself. Watching everything I valued turn worthless. That's the scary part. Your system of value and worth are pulverized - but only to you, the world keeps spinning its web.
Seeing the things your once cherished and obsessed over become vanity, distractions. I love writing this blog. But it became clear to me that I need to protect myself from the inherent narcissism that can attach itself to blogging. Living for the readers, comments and approval. Hence, I've turned off comments. Not like anyone was commenting as of late anyway, so no loss there. But it one less distraction in my life.
Like the title says, it's just me right now.
I'm picking apart the ultimate lie - that living for your own desires and needs bring satisfaction, happiness, or even contentment - and replacing it with the truth - Glorifying God is the only thing that will bring me satisfaction. I never "got" this. It was always church-speak to me. Yeah, yeah, glorify God, whatever that means. Won't I be satisfied with a nice house, some money in the savings and the well-behaved kids and thoughtful husband? No? Why not? It's everything I WANT.
What? What I want won't bring me satisfaction? I don't get it.
It's kind of like a law...no it is a law. God's law. Kind of like gravity. I may want to fly, but gravity keeps me firmly planted on the ground. But every year I seem to get closer to my "perfect" picture of life, and guess what I'm finding? I'm still not satisfied. Uh. Oops. Maybe there's something to this glorifying God stuff. Yeah, maybe.
So I guess this is the point where I go "all in" or keep chasing my tail in circles. Almost content. Almost satisfied. If we could just have this, or do this, or be this...
I go all in. I refuse to live a purposeless life. I refuse to make the goal of my life having a pile of junk that someone else has to toss when I die or a collection of pleasure seeking memories or a never-ending quest for that last desire to fulfill my satisfaction. There's something more out there.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Sunday Evening Walks
Sun is setting. Dinner is done. Kids are restless. Temperature is cooling.
Time for a walk.
Kids ride. Hubby and I talk.
Collection of sticks develop. Several stops for stick retrieval ensue.
Walk ends. Babies to bed. Hubby and I enjoy some movies and TV. It's a sweet life.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Game Day!!!
I'm thinking Saturday's in Fall are going to take on a certain tradition - wearing their ND jerseys will be one constant (considering we bought all sizes from 12m-4T). I'm sure other traditions will evolve over time.
I'm sure a little "football practice" out in the backyard will soon be added. HA! It's kind of exciting to know that Mark and I are setting the foundations for the memories and traditions the boys will have from childhood. Give me a little more energy on a Saturday morning for doing things like making some good game day foods.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Off to Rehab
That title got your attention didn't it?
Okay, no I don't have some secret addiction, maybe the term physical therapy might sound better.
Today I finally headed to the doctor about my back issue since my stash of muscle relaxers and pain meds from my ER visit was starting to run low. I squeezed every last drop out of them, making a 3 day supply last over 4 months, but alas the supply was gone.
Knowing full well I couldn't handle another episode without relief, I HAD to head to the doctor. I thankfully got more meds, BUT with the order to head to the sports injury rehab clinic next door. I guess you could call motherhood a sport.
My first appointment is tomorrow - we'll see how it goes.
Okay, no I don't have some secret addiction, maybe the term physical therapy might sound better.
Today I finally headed to the doctor about my back issue since my stash of muscle relaxers and pain meds from my ER visit was starting to run low. I squeezed every last drop out of them, making a 3 day supply last over 4 months, but alas the supply was gone.
Knowing full well I couldn't handle another episode without relief, I HAD to head to the doctor. I thankfully got more meds, BUT with the order to head to the sports injury rehab clinic next door. I guess you could call motherhood a sport.
My first appointment is tomorrow - we'll see how it goes.
A Mother's "Quiet" Time
Out on the patio.
Children at my feet.
Corbin chewing on the corner of my bible.
That pretty much sums it up.
Children at my feet.
Corbin chewing on the corner of my bible.
That pretty much sums it up.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Just Another Monday
Delete. Delete. Delete. I had started this post off with some ramblings on my back spasm issue which has reappeared after a 6 week hiatus. But it sounded kind of whiny, so I will just say that I'm grateful for the 6 weeks of pain-free days I had and hope that they return soon! I'm also grateful for muscle relaxers and all pain killers - I hope they always do the job. I will now work hard not do do anything too strenuous or just plain dumb and just let the healing begin.
I think part of that regimen should be working on stress relief - I know for a fact I tense my back muscles when I'm irritated or stressed and I should learn how to release and relax.
So a few tidbits from our life right now:
The boys are fighting colds - but actually winning (should I say that out loud? I might jinx them). Hayden had a running nose for about a day, Corbin's is still a little runny but seems better today. We'll see if they are ok for taking to community group babysitting on Wednesday. Two days can make quite the difference.
I'm gritting my teeth for the season to come - seems like the boys were sick every couple of weeks from September to April. With two it seemed like that season was 4x as bad. They both got their own colds (x2) and then gave them to each other (x2 again)! If we ever decide to add three to the mix, I think sickness will be the norm not the exception.
We are officially done with formula!! Even though we bought the cheaper Costco brand, it was still costing us about $60 a month. That's $60 I could really use right now. Especially, since the raw milk we buy has gone up $2 because of the extreme drought we're experiencing. I can definitely understand their position, my parents felt the same crunch at their farm last year when KY was in such a drought. Everyone needed to supplement their feed for the cattle and prices were high!
But an extra $12 bucks a month vs. $60 is still pretty good!
We may also be done with the bottle!! So far, Corbin has been pretty adamant about getting a bottle, not a sippy cup, when he wakes up. But this evening he drank his milk from a sippy cup - so this may be the end!!! I certainly won't miss washing all those bottle parts!! Sippy cups are so much easier to clean and keep track of.
The brothers are becoming fast friends and at times enemies. Corbin has learned the fine art of swatting at his brother when he does something he doesn't approve of. But they have their own "games" and keep each other quite entertained. Poor Corbin doesn't know what to do with himself when Hayden is napping - he kind of just mopes around the living room, constantly going towards Hayden's door when he thinks I'm not looking. He's never been the "only" child so all he knows is having his brother around.
There is definitely a preggo epidemic going on at our church! I could name at least half a dozen who are pregnant or just had babies. I'm trying hard not to catch baby-itis! Yet somehow it feels like I'm missing something. Like I'm not in the secret society or something - HA! It feels a lot like last year when Corbin was born - I think there were 8 of us pregnant at one time. But I know I have my hands full right now with just two!! I don't think I want them spaced as closely as Corbin and Hayden were - that was a handful. But I definitely want to go for three as soon as we're ready.
Speaking of babies, I have TONS of boys baby clothes just taking up valuable closet space. Corbin has grown out of most of the 6 months and smaller size. If anyone would like to borrow some and then return them when they grew out of them, let me know - I'd love to save some space and help a friend out. As Hayden grows, our clothing stash just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I really need to figure out a way to store all this. And I'm NOT getting rid of them - with my luck we'll have another boy! P.S. I also have an excersaucer and a glider thingy that are taking up a lot of room as well. And one of those infant activity mats - actually two! I'm sure a bunch more, just come over - HA!
My mommy duties have just about wrapped up for the day (minus any midnight wakings), the dishwasher and dryer are humming, the leftovers are put away, and a good book is calling me.
'Night.
I think part of that regimen should be working on stress relief - I know for a fact I tense my back muscles when I'm irritated or stressed and I should learn how to release and relax.
So a few tidbits from our life right now:
The boys are fighting colds - but actually winning (should I say that out loud? I might jinx them). Hayden had a running nose for about a day, Corbin's is still a little runny but seems better today. We'll see if they are ok for taking to community group babysitting on Wednesday. Two days can make quite the difference.
I'm gritting my teeth for the season to come - seems like the boys were sick every couple of weeks from September to April. With two it seemed like that season was 4x as bad. They both got their own colds (x2) and then gave them to each other (x2 again)! If we ever decide to add three to the mix, I think sickness will be the norm not the exception.
We are officially done with formula!! Even though we bought the cheaper Costco brand, it was still costing us about $60 a month. That's $60 I could really use right now. Especially, since the raw milk we buy has gone up $2 because of the extreme drought we're experiencing. I can definitely understand their position, my parents felt the same crunch at their farm last year when KY was in such a drought. Everyone needed to supplement their feed for the cattle and prices were high!
But an extra $12 bucks a month vs. $60 is still pretty good!
We may also be done with the bottle!! So far, Corbin has been pretty adamant about getting a bottle, not a sippy cup, when he wakes up. But this evening he drank his milk from a sippy cup - so this may be the end!!! I certainly won't miss washing all those bottle parts!! Sippy cups are so much easier to clean and keep track of.
The brothers are becoming fast friends and at times enemies. Corbin has learned the fine art of swatting at his brother when he does something he doesn't approve of. But they have their own "games" and keep each other quite entertained. Poor Corbin doesn't know what to do with himself when Hayden is napping - he kind of just mopes around the living room, constantly going towards Hayden's door when he thinks I'm not looking. He's never been the "only" child so all he knows is having his brother around.
There is definitely a preggo epidemic going on at our church! I could name at least half a dozen who are pregnant or just had babies. I'm trying hard not to catch baby-itis! Yet somehow it feels like I'm missing something. Like I'm not in the secret society or something - HA! It feels a lot like last year when Corbin was born - I think there were 8 of us pregnant at one time. But I know I have my hands full right now with just two!! I don't think I want them spaced as closely as Corbin and Hayden were - that was a handful. But I definitely want to go for three as soon as we're ready.
Speaking of babies, I have TONS of boys baby clothes just taking up valuable closet space. Corbin has grown out of most of the 6 months and smaller size. If anyone would like to borrow some and then return them when they grew out of them, let me know - I'd love to save some space and help a friend out. As Hayden grows, our clothing stash just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I really need to figure out a way to store all this. And I'm NOT getting rid of them - with my luck we'll have another boy! P.S. I also have an excersaucer and a glider thingy that are taking up a lot of room as well. And one of those infant activity mats - actually two! I'm sure a bunch more, just come over - HA!
My mommy duties have just about wrapped up for the day (minus any midnight wakings), the dishwasher and dryer are humming, the leftovers are put away, and a good book is calling me.
'Night.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Menu
August 31st - September 6th Menu
Breakfasts:
Monday: Oatmeal & peaches, english muffin
Tuesday: Steel cut oats & plums, bagel
Wednesday: Omelets, bagel
Thursday: Oatmeal & granola, english muffin
Friday: Oatmeal & granola, bagel
Lunches:
Monday: Grilled cheese, grapes
Tuesday: Chicken Nuggets, apples - Ramen noodles for adults!
Wednesday: Jelly sandwiches, cheese sticks- leftovers for adults
Thursday: Quesadillas, rice and beans
Friday: Bagels w/ egg & cheese
Saturday: Shredded chicken tacos
Sunday: Eat Out
Dinners:
Monday: Grilled seasoned chicken quarters, quinoa, asparagus, homemade bread
Tuesday: Chicken fajitas, rice and beans
Wednesday: Leftovers + community group snacks
Thursday: Spaghetti
Friday: Layered mexican casserole
Saturday: BBQ Chicken & artichoke heart pizza
Sunday: Chicken & potatoes
Snacks: Grapes, graham crackers, saltines, cheese sticks, apples
Tuesday: Chicken fajitas, rice and beans
Wednesday: Leftovers + community group snacks
Thursday: Spaghetti
Friday: Layered mexican casserole
Saturday: BBQ Chicken & artichoke heart pizza
Sunday: Chicken & potatoes
Snacks: Grapes, graham crackers, saltines, cheese sticks, apples
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