Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Heaven Stands...

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

(JJ Heller: Your Hands)

My world was indeed shaking this weekend when Hayden was hospitalized for his asthma attack. I don't think I'm yet recovered from it. I smile and nod. I say, he's doing much better now. But part of me wants to curl up in a ball and sob. Just to release all the stress of it.

I had to be stronger than I've ever been. There was no time for crying. There was no room for pity. I was fighting. Fighting for the health of Hayden. I put on my game face and just "did it". I restrained him for breathing treatments, vital signs, shots, whatever needed to be done I did it. And when he begged for them to stop and cried out "No hurta me", I didn't break down and cry - I said (in my best firm Momma voice) "Hayden, you have to do it. If you fight it's going to be worse. It's ok baby".

I endured it. I came through it. A little stronger, a little weaker.

And when we came home from the hospital on Sunday night, I sucked it up and went back into Momma mode. 10 hours of sleep in 4 days + stress + intense physical restraining = exhausted. But someone's gotta be Momma on Monday.

And where did that "strength" come from? I think it came from Him. Somehow, despite the constant beeping of the STUPID pulse alarm that kept coming off, and the 24/7 screaming and crying of Hayden, and the exhaustion, and and and...despite all THAT, I felt this peace. And I felt a confidence, that I could endure it, even though it felt impossible.

And for that, I'm thankful.

Hayden is back home now after his 2 day stay, and doing much better. You'd never know he'd just spent his birthday in the hospital.

1 comment:

LeftyMama said...

Oh, Mel!! That's so hard!!! Being sucked into the hospital vortex is like being in an alternate reality. So glad y'all are home now & Hayden is doing better.