Thursday, December 20, 2007

Another Day, No More Dollars

So I'd love to report that today was a cheery wonderful day, to make up for yesterday...but hmmm. All I can say is:

#1 Hayden's fever seems to be mostly gone
#2 Hayden didn't have a meltdown at the Dr. office

So I did get my prescription refilled, yay! Of course the appointment was just like every other appt. Yup, still have allergies. Yup, still taking medicine. Nope, not able to do the immunology yet. Ok see you next year. Argh! But I got my medicine, so whatever.

Hayden is testing his boundaries more and more. His reaction to my saying "No No" is now ...aaaaagh (roll around on the floor) followed by more crying. Do they make Mommy earplugs? I think I need some. He's also discovered the stairs, I guess that means I need a baby gate now. Everytime I turn my back he's like halfway up the stairs and laughing at me. Quick little bugger.

He had a slight meltdown on our walk today...argh. But a little time at the playground fixed that. I am becoming more and more aware that he is a little person with BIG wants. Unfortunately, he can't have everything he wants, which always leads us to major fussing and some tantrums. Something I dread dealing with at my Mom's. Both her and my grandma have this zero tolerance on tantrums. Ok, seriously, he's 13 months old. He understands like 4 words: Hayden, No, Touchdown, and Yay. How do I explain to him that his tantrums are undesirable using those words? And I don't thinking beating the poor kid will get the point across either. He doesn't understand spankings or other physical stuff. He's a baby!!! So this should be fun. I'll get "the look" my kid is out of control and it's obvious I don't know how to discipline him. Yeah, I'd like to take a look back at them when they were doing this. I'm sure they didn't have perfect kids either. And if they did, that had nothing to do with them.

So yeah, let's hope he stays relatively happy at Grandma and Grandpa's. This is probably my last blog until after the new year, so Merry Christmas!!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Bottomed Out

Argh! These hormones. Yay for pregnancy moods. Or uh, not. So, maybe it's just me, but now that I'm a Mom I have certain rules for outings with Hayden.

#1 That I know in advance that I will have Hayden with me for said hours and where we will be.

#2 Uh, well really there is just one rule.

Tonight that sacred rule was broken. Community group is usually mommy's 2 hour break from Hayden. I get to relax, sit down, have real conversations, and maybe even eat! Childcare is at a different location and so is the stress of wondering if you're kid is driving the babysitters nuts.

Tonight was our community group xmas party. I assume (since I wasn't told otherwise) that like usual there would be childcare. Uh, no. No???? But, but...I have to pysch myself up for spending 2 hours supervising a toddler in someone else's un-baby-friendly house. I need rest. I need crackers. I need juice. I need a million things. I need to have my mind trained on the fact that I will not have fun. That it will be exhausting. That it will be tiring. And that will be ok.

But when you start the night giddy that you will actually get some social interaction and food alone, and that illusion is stolen from you...mental breakdown.

I took a deep breath and a disappointed sigh. I chased Hayden around the house. I followed him up the stairs. I stopped him from falling down the stairs. I scolded him for tearing down all the magnets off the refrigerator door. I stopped him from knocking over wine glasses. I dealt with his temper tantrums. I fed him animal crackers (thank God for whoever brought those). I stopped him from terrorizing the cat. I handed him off to adoring strangers so I could gulp down food. I still don't know what I ate, but apparently my stomach didn't like it.

I waited impatiently for the white elephant gift exchange to finish so I could GET OUT OF THERE. At one point, before some nice guy helped me with Hayden, I went outside. I was at my edge. I actually thought I might cry. Eating dinner was not even an option. Hayden was fussy. The house was hot. We stood out there for 10 minutes, pretending to look at the lights. Or rather, I'm sure Hayden was looking, I on the other hand, could care less. Then, as if an angel had been sent down, when I went back inside, this nice guy (who has 5 grandkids and 7 kids) offered to play with Hayden for me while I got some food. I couldn't believe it. I kept looking over guiltily, wondering if he was tired of my cranky kid yet. But he wasn't. And Hayden was loving him.

Days like these just take all the steam out of me. Hayden's been cranky for a few days. He's had a fever 2 days in a row now. No congestion or other symptoms, which makes me think it's related to the 2 new molars he's getting. He's also dug a hole into his leg because of itching from eczema. I had to buy large bandaids and wrap it in gauze to keep him from making it any worse. And I don't know whether it's because he doesn't feel good or what, but he's been super clingy. He can't stand it when I do dishes, or walk around the house cleaning. He just wants me to sit down with him. Oh and he tried to eat a rock this morning. Luckily, it must have tasted bad because he spit it out. So basically my day is him whining at me. On the way home in the car (or really every car ride for the last 2 days) is him randomly screaming at me. This time I screamed back. He seemed to like that.

Oh and I got a new church project to know, since I don't work, I must have plenty of time to call over 100 churches and ask them an 8 question survey. And since churches are pretty much open 8-5, the working folks can't do it. Yeah, I'm sure Hayden will let me just sit there and talk on the phone for an hour or two a day. Or wait, no...I'm pretty sure he won't. Oh, ok, so that means I must do this project during the 1-2 hours he naps a day. Yay for me, there goes my free time. I guess the whole world thinks "Stay at home Mom" = do nothing. Or maybe I need like 2 or 3 more rugrats to appear busy, cause one kid's easy! Insert snort here. Maybe if I was a seasoned mother pro with 3 or 4 kids, one kid would be easy. But damnit's obvious I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done this before. So everything is hard. Mostly because I do it wrong the first 12 times. I'm not used to being whined at 24 hours a day. I'm not used to caring a 22 lb baby around. I'm not used to chasing after a little Tasmanian devil. You have to work up to that! That's why those mom's are so good...they have a bunch of kids and have been doing this for years. Me? 13 months people!!! And I was half awake the first 5, so I don't think those count.

Argh!!! Ok, I know this must sound depressing to those w/o kids. So here's my disclaimer: Yay kids. Kids are great. Kids are cute. I love my munchkin. I love his smile. I love his cute little hands. I love his laugh. I love watching him discover new things. I love it when he says "mommmmmma" even if that doesn't mean me. I love how he lights up when he sees me. In the morning I sometimes get excited to go wake him up, just so I can see him. I miss him terribly when I'm gone. I love how he wrinkles his little nose. And if anything happened to him, I think I would just shrivel up into a little ball.

All that said, I'm still exhausted and hormonal. I still feel totally stressed out. And yay for me, I've got an 8:15 Dr. appt.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Stroke of Midnight

Okay so it's midnight, aka "Quittin' Time". Here are my accomplishments...

The Dining Room Before:

The Dining Room After:

The Living Room Before:

Living Room After:

And that's what has been accomplished today. Tomorrow? Oh there's always plenty to do tomorrow.

1. Buy food for Bunco
2. Make food for Bunco
3. Clean off kitchen counters to make room for Bunco food
4. Put all of Hayden's crap away in his room
5. Finish Laundry
6. Vacuum
7. Sweep/Mop
8. Clean Bathrooms
9. Pick up our room
10. Dishes

I hope that's it.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Staying Calm...Unsuccessfully

Okay, way to much to do and no time or energy to do it. I don't know what I will actually finish or what this house will look like when 11 ladies arrive to play Bunco tomorrow. Right now, I'm procrastinating and I'm hungry. There is no convenience food in this house. Everything is a long drawn out meal that needs to be cooked. If I actually make some progress tonight (which I MUST do) I will post pics of my success.

I'm also freaking out because we leave for KY on Friday and I'm almost out of allergy meds. I call to get my prescription filled (which is slightly out of date) and they tell me the doctor refused. WHAT??? Argh, now I'm going to have to call this stupid guy. It's probably his ploy to get me to come in for another appt. I was just there in freakin March. How many allergy appts do I need? But I NEED this stuff before I leave. AGH! Why cause me this extra stress? Another "to-do" on an already overflowing list.

I am tired. I got a total of 5 hours of sleep last night and would appreciate some more. Yet hours of cleaning await me. My butt does not want to leave this chair. Not without some dinner. HAHA. I need a dinner fairy. ;)

Ok, enough procrastinating. I must work. Ugh.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Time is running short

Well good morning all! It's amazing how much better my mood is when I don't turn the TV on at all. Typically the morning starts with me eating (or uh sharing with hayden) my breakfast while watching whatever lousy morning show is on. Honestly, I couldn't care a rip about most of the crap they talk about. And some of it is just ridiculous. A recent dialog on a morning show:

Dumb lady: "I have faith in myself"

Other lady: "Isn't that hard though? I mean, as people we are imperfect. We let ourselves and others down"

Dumb lady: "I have faith in my imperfections".

Huh? What the heck does that mean? Argh, I swear I can't relate to these people.

But today, I didn't rot my mind with their mindless dribble and I'm much happier for it. I've got the music playing (xmas of course) and the tea seeping on the stove. The weather is nice and cold, which makes me feel like it really is December. These 80 degree days in December are just freaky.

Parents beware, the M&Ms Christmas commercial may cause uncontrollable crying in your toddler. You know the one, "They DO exist!" and both Santa and the red M&M pass out. Somehow this is on the same level as a horror flick for Hayden. As soon as he sees it he begins to cry like he's been slapped by Santa or something. And it's not a fluke, all four times it has happen to show before I can change the channel, he's cried. My poor sensitive baby. My only wonder is...which part is the scary part? Hmmmm...maybe he doesn't like Santa.

I'm sure you are all waiting impatiently to hear what I did for my grandmother. That same day I developed a ton of Hayden pics, stuffed as many as I could fit into a photo album, wrote a nice letter and shipped off a package to her. There! I did my duty.

I guess I should embellish a bit on this story. From your comments, I think you all might be thinking of her as this poor little old lady, knitting and drinking tea, anxiously awaiting letters from me. Sorry to disappoint, but that is not quite the case. Unfortunately, both my grandparents on that side were alcoholics. I have a lot of memories at their house, playing with my cousin, but very few of them! Ha. Mostly because they were probably passed out somewhere. My cousin and I (who were like 5 at the time), made our own breakfast and pretty much did whatever we wanted as long as we didn't make noise. Every memory of my grandfather is him plastered to the living room recliner. He even slept there with the static of the TV as background noise. One time my cousin and I flooded the entire backyard (we left the water on after playing "mud wrestling" with his action figures) and no one ever noticed. Mostly cause I don't think I ever saw them leave the house. She was a horrible pack rat too. Newspapers stacked to the ceiling and stuff like that. I remember one time I was all upset because she was acting mean for no reason. My cousin took me into the bedroom, shut the door, and explained to me (at 5 years old no less) that she was drunk. I didn't even know what that meant. And the fact that he did at 5 yrs was sad. I still think about him and how messed up his life was because of them and his alcoholic Dad he lived with. And I think about how messed up his Dad and my Dad were because of my grandparents. But I moved away at 6, so I haven't seen anyone since. Grandfather is dead now. So no, she's not a sweet little old lady who just wants to hear from her granddaughter.

Bleh. Enough of that. But that's, as they say, the rest of the story.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Season of Half-Dones

This time in my life is definitely the seasons of half-dones. What does that mean? I have completed half of every project I start, but never finished. Maybe it's fatigue, maybe it's the baby, maybe I'm just lazy.

My Half-Dones:

1.) I have decorated half the tree...the top still needs to be finished
2.) We decorated half the yard
3.) I did half the laundry and put up half of the clothes I did do
4.) I have purchased about half of our xmas gifts this year
5.) I completed half the work of xmas cards. I made the cards, now I just need to address and send them
6.) I vacuumed half the living room today
7.) I uploaded half the pictures I need to print for my grandmother

I'm sure there's more. Plus all the projects that are less than half done or not even started!!! Ack.

Ah, this is the season for busyness.

Anyway, interesting stuff on my mind despite all the crap I haven't done. I got a card from my grandmother this weekend. The dreaded card. This is not the grandmother I know and love, but my biological Dad's mom who I haven't seen since I was, oh, 6. Nevertheless, she never misses a birthday or Christmas and always includes a little check and stories of how the family is doing. I do my best to reply and say thanks, but I admit I'm not good at it, and often forget. I just don't know her and I'm not sure what to say. This year I get the card and instantly my guilt factor rises. I know I should write her more, I don't even remember if I said thanks last year. Plus she always includes great nuggets of guilt, like I'd like to hear from you, or I'm not doing well, etc. I'm sure this card is like the other 20 I've gotten over the years. Lots of detail on how the family (who I don't know) is doing and a small check for the bday. I open the card and it's 2 lines, no check.

I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I never cared about the check, it's usually like 10 bucks, and the details always made me feel guilty or clueless. But somehow I felt like I had been given up on. And to know that your grandmother, even one you don't know, gave up on you, well I guess that hurts.

Now I'm in make-up mode and am putting together a photo album for her of the kiddo. I dunno why, but maybe it'll make me feel better.

Whatever. Just one of those great parts of having such a jacked up family. Yay!