Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Bottomed Out

Argh! These hormones. Yay for pregnancy moods. Or uh, not. So, maybe it's just me, but now that I'm a Mom I have certain rules for outings with Hayden.

#1 That I know in advance that I will have Hayden with me for said hours and where we will be.

#2 Uh, well really there is just one rule.

Tonight that sacred rule was broken. Community group is usually mommy's 2 hour break from Hayden. I get to relax, sit down, have real conversations, and maybe even eat! Childcare is at a different location and so is the stress of wondering if you're kid is driving the babysitters nuts.

Tonight was our community group xmas party. I assume (since I wasn't told otherwise) that like usual there would be childcare. Uh, no. No???? But, but...I have to pysch myself up for spending 2 hours supervising a toddler in someone else's un-baby-friendly house. I need rest. I need crackers. I need juice. I need a million things. I need to have my mind trained on the fact that I will not have fun. That it will be exhausting. That it will be tiring. And that will be ok.

But when you start the night giddy that you will actually get some social interaction and food alone, and that illusion is stolen from you...mental breakdown.

I took a deep breath and a disappointed sigh. I chased Hayden around the house. I followed him up the stairs. I stopped him from falling down the stairs. I scolded him for tearing down all the magnets off the refrigerator door. I stopped him from knocking over wine glasses. I dealt with his temper tantrums. I fed him animal crackers (thank God for whoever brought those). I stopped him from terrorizing the cat. I handed him off to adoring strangers so I could gulp down food. I still don't know what I ate, but apparently my stomach didn't like it.

I waited impatiently for the white elephant gift exchange to finish so I could GET OUT OF THERE. At one point, before some nice guy helped me with Hayden, I went outside. I was at my edge. I actually thought I might cry. Eating dinner was not even an option. Hayden was fussy. The house was hot. We stood out there for 10 minutes, pretending to look at the lights. Or rather, I'm sure Hayden was looking, I on the other hand, could care less. Then, as if an angel had been sent down, when I went back inside, this nice guy (who has 5 grandkids and 7 kids) offered to play with Hayden for me while I got some food. I couldn't believe it. I kept looking over guiltily, wondering if he was tired of my cranky kid yet. But he wasn't. And Hayden was loving him.

Days like these just take all the steam out of me. Hayden's been cranky for a few days. He's had a fever 2 days in a row now. No congestion or other symptoms, which makes me think it's related to the 2 new molars he's getting. He's also dug a hole into his leg because of itching from eczema. I had to buy large bandaids and wrap it in gauze to keep him from making it any worse. And I don't know whether it's because he doesn't feel good or what, but he's been super clingy. He can't stand it when I do dishes, or walk around the house cleaning. He just wants me to sit down with him. Oh and he tried to eat a rock this morning. Luckily, it must have tasted bad because he spit it out. So basically my day is him whining at me. On the way home in the car (or really every car ride for the last 2 days) is him randomly screaming at me. This time I screamed back. He seemed to like that.

Oh and I got a new church project to know, since I don't work, I must have plenty of time to call over 100 churches and ask them an 8 question survey. And since churches are pretty much open 8-5, the working folks can't do it. Yeah, I'm sure Hayden will let me just sit there and talk on the phone for an hour or two a day. Or wait, no...I'm pretty sure he won't. Oh, ok, so that means I must do this project during the 1-2 hours he naps a day. Yay for me, there goes my free time. I guess the whole world thinks "Stay at home Mom" = do nothing. Or maybe I need like 2 or 3 more rugrats to appear busy, cause one kid's easy! Insert snort here. Maybe if I was a seasoned mother pro with 3 or 4 kids, one kid would be easy. But damnit's obvious I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done this before. So everything is hard. Mostly because I do it wrong the first 12 times. I'm not used to being whined at 24 hours a day. I'm not used to caring a 22 lb baby around. I'm not used to chasing after a little Tasmanian devil. You have to work up to that! That's why those mom's are so good...they have a bunch of kids and have been doing this for years. Me? 13 months people!!! And I was half awake the first 5, so I don't think those count.

Argh!!! Ok, I know this must sound depressing to those w/o kids. So here's my disclaimer: Yay kids. Kids are great. Kids are cute. I love my munchkin. I love his smile. I love his cute little hands. I love his laugh. I love watching him discover new things. I love it when he says "mommmmmma" even if that doesn't mean me. I love how he lights up when he sees me. In the morning I sometimes get excited to go wake him up, just so I can see him. I miss him terribly when I'm gone. I love how he wrinkles his little nose. And if anything happened to him, I think I would just shrivel up into a little ball.

All that said, I'm still exhausted and hormonal. I still feel totally stressed out. And yay for me, I've got an 8:15 Dr. appt.



Robyn said...

Aw, I'm sorry Wednesday was so tiring for you! I would have reminded you about no childcare if I'd known, but I didn't find out until Wednesday. (I have to confess: a large part of me rejoiced at not having to scramble around making the house look halfway decent and reasonably childproof).

For whatever it's worth, you may not feel like it but you sure look like a super mom from here. I was a whiny, cranky, pathetic mess for my first trimester, and now I'm watching you going through the same ickiness and tiredness while also taking care of Hayden and doing everything you do at home and at church and thinking, "How does she DO it? I hope I can figure it out before my next pregnancy." So hang in there -- you're awesome!

Oh yeah... if it happens again, feel free to pass Hayden off to Aaron and me for a while. We can use the practice. ;)


Anonymous said...'re an amazing woman. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry while reading I did both! I'm sorry you're going through so much. Hopefully, the hormones will level out soon and the second baby will be a piece of cake. :) I wish I could help you out.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that was from me...Shelley :)