Wednesday, January 30, 2008

One Day to Go

So last night I had a dream about going to get the ultrasound. We were in the waiting room for what felt like forever, and when it was time to go in...I woke up! Ha.

Feeling a bit better today. No more red spotting, just a tiny tiny bit of old blood. I've been taking it easy for the last few days so my house is a wreck. Argh.

Hayden has become addicted to PBS. Much to my dismay, his favorite shows are Barney and Teletubbies. I swear those shows are evil, but alas, my kiddo loves em.

Right now he's intently watching Barney fly a kite.

Other Hayden developments, he's discovered his butt crack. he spends all day investigating it. Haha. Yes, lots of hand sanitizer in use here.

I am also amused by one of his new words...clock. Of course most of the time it comes out with the "L" missing, so yeah, that sounds interesting. Hopefully, "clock" won't come up much at restaurant outings or church.

I have to say daytime TV sucks, especially with the 20 channels we get, or rather 17. I don't count the three spanish channels.

Mornings are the view or court tv, with a little Price is Right thrown in. Afternoons are Springer, Maury, more court TV, or bleh soap operas which i REFUSE to watch. Evenings are news and celebrity news shows. I'm all current on the latest happenings of Britney Spears. What a wreck that girl is. I guess we watch that crap to feel better about our crappy lives, I guess. Mostly I just feel bad for them. Oh and don't forget celebrity fit club on the TV Guide Channel. I never knew the TV Guide channel could be the most interesting. Argh, someone shoot me.

So yeah, TV, no good. Hahaha. So it's a lot of turning on my CD player, since we don't have a radio in the house, and just doing stuff around here.

In the CD player this month, Bob Marley's Legend CD. Maybe next month I'll buy a new CD. Any recommendations?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


Sorry I haven't posted for awhile, I guess I was postponing this post because I wasn't in the mood to relay the past few weeks. Disclaimer for those looking for a feel good post, this is not it.

So most of you know that I'm pregant, 18 weeks on Thursday. I was really hoping this pregnancy would be very healthy and go smoothly, but no, God had other plans. At 14 weeks I had some bleeding. I was putting groceries and hayden back into the car and had a gush of blood. Eek. Calling the midwives wasn't much help, basically if you're not 20 weeks yet, there isn't a whole lot they can do if you're having a miscarriage. Ugh I hate that word. But I wasn't. The baby was fine, heartbeat 165 and all that jazz. Only one lifting, straining, ect. Hmm. With the last baby that would have been no problem, but hey, uh, I have a 14 month old that weighs 23 lbs!!!! A toddler who has to be picked up out of his crib, and into the car, and on the changing table, and in his highchair, and in his stroller.....

In desperation, I called my mother. Believe me, for me to call my mother, it was DESPERATE. While she was here I learned to take care of Hayden without any lifting. We bought him a big boy bed, I change him on the floor, and me going places is basically out. But I can take care of him. So I promptly sent my mom home, and began taking care of him. I thought I had it all under control, but then I started bleeding again this weekend. Nothing like the first time, mostly older blood it looks like, but still, that doesn't inspire confidence. Sunday seemed better, but then Monday was spotting again, and also today. Today's spotting was still brown but a little redder, ugh. Then it turned back to brown. Basically not a good day today.

We have an ultrasound on Thursday. It's supposed to be the happy, find out the sex of your baby ultrasound, but instead I'm both dreading it and impatiently waiting for it. I just want to hear the heartbeat and know that the baby is ok. I have this fear that I will go in there and the baby will be dead. I know that sounds horrible, but that's my fear. My backup fears are that there will be something wrong with the baby. So yeah, today was a bad day for me. Because of the spotting, I didn't want to do anything to make it worse, so Hayden and I watched Dragontales, Barney, and some sign language show for kids. While Hayden napped I napped. I usually get stuff done around the house and keep myself busy. Today was just hard. I definitely felt the loneliness I've been ignoring for the past month. Not being able to get out of the house, even to go for a walk with Hayden. Living so far away from people, too far to make it convenient for anyone to come by. Missing my friends. Missing my life.

Not feeling like a Mom because I can't pick up Hayden. I can't pick him up and hold him when he cries or needs comforting. I can't put him in his stroller and take him to the park.

And feeling like complete crap because I can't get out and get some exercise, you can only wander around your house so much. Even walking has me spooked because that's all I did on Sunday, go for a walk with Hayden and Mark, and Monday I was spotting again.

Pregnancy is definitely not for me, my body just totally craps out on me. I am THE most healthy, strong person when not pregnant. Yet, I get pregnant, and BAM! I'm a freakin mess. As soon as the baby is born I'm good, I was cleaning and doing stuff just a day or two after having Hayden. I could go without sleep, I could do it all. Yet this is soooooooo frustrating. I just want to have a healthly pregnancy - no complications. I'm so sick and tired of worrying. And I know it's all in God's hands, but that doesn't make it any less sad if something bad happens. I know I can't do ANYTHING about any of this. I know I can't fix anything by worrying. I know all this.

I don't even know what to say anymore to questions like "How are you doing?". "Oh I dunno, the baby's not dead so that's good. But I'm still bleeding, so really I guess I'm not doing that great." Ok so that's not the answer you want to hear. But that's what's in my head. I don't have a good answer. I don't have any answers. No one does.

And there are millions of women a hundred times worse off than me. I know.

I'm grateful for my husband and my beautiful baby boy. If I didn't have Hayden's gorgeous face to look at every day, I'd probably really be going nuts right now. So I do have to be thankful for that. I already have a wonderful child. For those out there who are pregnant for the first time, I'm sure it's much worse. At least I know that if all doesn't go well with this baby, I can still hug my toddler, stroke his soft hair, and kiss him goodnight. I think that's what keeps me going. Knowing I have him to hold.

So yeah, big ultrasound on Thursday, wish me luck. No, pray for me. I could use some.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Back Into the Groove

A week of having three other people entertain my kid has definitely spoiled both him and me. Today is my first day "alone" with him. As Mark left for work this morning, I asked "Are you going to leave me alone with him???" Hehe.

Hayden has apparently had a growth spurt over the holidays. Now that we're back at home I've noticed a few new skills. I look down and see that he has both of his shoes in his hands, shoes that were previously on our dining room table. What??? Oh crap, the kid is tall enough to grab stuff off the table. I guess that means I need to watch what I put up there. Then, as I'm sitting on my couch, he waddles over and climbs up with me. Huh?? How did you get up here? This presents a significant problem since the kid has no concept of gravity. Now I have to make sure he's not climbing onto the couch and taking a flying leap when I'm not looking. He also now has a love of all things stairs and steps. Except, he has no clue how to get down or that he should even worry about getting down. Falling backwards or just walking into thin air seem like good ideas for him. Hmmm. How does one teach the concept of falling without killing your child? I'll let you know when I figure that out.

I have officially unpacked all our bags from the trip. Yay to me! That must be some kind of Melissa record. Only took me 3 days.

I desperately want to go for a walk, but uh, it's 46 degrees. A little too cold for my blood. If it's going to get cold, I prefer some winter weather or something. At least that way I'd be holed up with my hubby, not just my cranky toddler. Last year was the best ice storm week ever. Of course this could never happen now. Hayden was only a couple of months old, which meant he slept - alot. Mark and I played WoW the whole week, stopping only to feed and play with Hayden, and to sleep a bit. This year that could never happen, Hayden only takes 2 naps, if that. Not much game time, and he wakes up at the crack of dawn, ok 7:30am, but that's dawn to me.

Speaking of naps, nap #2 is not going well. 10 minutes and still fussing. Argh, I need nap time too!! You never know if the nap will work, or how long it will be. This one, is NOT working...yet. 6 more minutes and we'll see.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

2008 - Year 27 - The Year of Right Now

As the rest of the world begins their New Year's Resolutions, I am beginning my theme for 2008. The idea of a theme sounds so much better to me than some list of goals that I will probably not accomplish anyway.

In case you were wondering (I was), here are our top ten New Year's resolutions:

1. Spend more time with friends and family
2. Fitness of some sort
3. Lose weight
4. Quit smoking
5. Enjoy life more
6. Quit drinking
7. Get out of debt
8. Learn something new
9. Help others
10. Get organized

Those all sound excellent, and I'm sure they have all been on my list one year or another...except the quit smoking one. I'm sure if I had ever been a smoker, it would have been on there too.

So this year's theme is "Right Now". Not looking forward. Not looking back. Not looking at what could be, what should be, what would be. Just what is. Not picturing myself in any other circumstances. Not wishing for things to change or be different.

It's about enjoyment. Enjoyment of who I am, what I have, and where I am right now. Something I've never done.

It's about gratefulness. Gratefulness for the family I've been blessed with, not born with. Gratefulness for every good thing that God let me stumble into.

It's about letting go. Letting go of the pain that pushed me to the edge. Letting go of the standards that I will never measure up to. Letting go of the regrets. Letting go of the bitterness, the hatred, the anger, and the fear.

It's about love. Loving those I'm lucky enough to know. Caring for those people God has given to me.

And it's about God, the one who's been with me all 27 years. The one who is always there, always listening, and always loving. The one that never turns His back no matter how many times I've turned mine. God who is here right now, in this moment, with me.

This is my year of Right Now.