Bleh

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile, I guess I was postponing this post because I wasn't in the mood to relay the past few weeks. Disclaimer for those looking for a feel good post, this is not it.

So most of you know that I'm pregant, 18 weeks on Thursday. I was really hoping this pregnancy would be very healthy and go smoothly, but no, God had other plans. At 14 weeks I had some bleeding. I was putting groceries and hayden back into the car and had a gush of blood. Eek. Calling the midwives wasn't much help, basically if you're not 20 weeks yet, there isn't a whole lot they can do if you're having a miscarriage. Ugh I hate that word. But I wasn't. The baby was fine, heartbeat 165 and all that jazz. Only one thing...no lifting, straining, ect. Hmm. With the last baby that would have been no problem, but hey, uh, I have a 14 month old that weighs 23 lbs!!!! A toddler who has to be picked up out of his crib, and into the car, and on the changing table, and in his highchair, and in his stroller.....

In desperation, I called my mother. Believe me, for me to call my mother, it was DESPERATE. While she was here I learned to take care of Hayden without any lifting. We bought him a big boy bed, I change him on the floor, and me going places is basically out. But I can take care of him. So I promptly sent my mom home, and began taking care of him. I thought I had it all under control, but then I started bleeding again this weekend. Nothing like the first time, mostly older blood it looks like, but still, that doesn't inspire confidence. Sunday seemed better, but then Monday was spotting again, and also today. Today's spotting was still brown but a little redder, ugh. Then it turned back to brown. Basically not a good day today.

We have an ultrasound on Thursday. It's supposed to be the happy, find out the sex of your baby ultrasound, but instead I'm both dreading it and impatiently waiting for it. I just want to hear the heartbeat and know that the baby is ok. I have this fear that I will go in there and the baby will be dead. I know that sounds horrible, but that's my fear. My backup fears are that there will be something wrong with the baby. So yeah, today was a bad day for me. Because of the spotting, I didn't want to do anything to make it worse, so Hayden and I watched Dragontales, Barney, and some sign language show for kids. While Hayden napped I napped. I usually get stuff done around the house and keep myself busy. Today was just hard. I definitely felt the loneliness I've been ignoring for the past month. Not being able to get out of the house, even to go for a walk with Hayden. Living so far away from people, too far to make it convenient for anyone to come by. Missing my friends. Missing my life.

Not feeling like a Mom because I can't pick up Hayden. I can't pick him up and hold him when he cries or needs comforting. I can't put him in his stroller and take him to the park.

And feeling like complete crap because I can't get out and get some exercise, you can only wander around your house so much. Even walking has me spooked because that's all I did on Sunday, go for a walk with Hayden and Mark, and Monday I was spotting again.

Pregnancy is definitely not for me, my body just totally craps out on me. I am THE most healthy, strong person when not pregnant. Yet, I get pregnant, and BAM! I'm a freakin mess. As soon as the baby is born I'm good, I was cleaning and doing stuff just a day or two after having Hayden. I could go without sleep, I could do it all. Yet this is soooooooo frustrating. I just want to have a healthly pregnancy - no complications. I'm so sick and tired of worrying. And I know it's all in God's hands, but that doesn't make it any less sad if something bad happens. I know I can't do ANYTHING about any of this. I know I can't fix anything by worrying. I know all this.

I don't even know what to say anymore to questions like "How are you doing?". "Oh I dunno, the baby's not dead so that's good. But I'm still bleeding, so really I guess I'm not doing that great." Ok so that's not the answer you want to hear. But that's what's in my head. I don't have a good answer. I don't have any answers. No one does.

And there are millions of women a hundred times worse off than me. I know.

I'm grateful for my husband and my beautiful baby boy. If I didn't have Hayden's gorgeous face to look at every day, I'd probably really be going nuts right now. So I do have to be thankful for that. I already have a wonderful child. For those out there who are pregnant for the first time, I'm sure it's much worse. At least I know that if all doesn't go well with this baby, I can still hug my toddler, stroke his soft hair, and kiss him goodnight. I think that's what keeps me going. Knowing I have him to hold.

So yeah, big ultrasound on Thursday, wish me luck. No, pray for me. I could use some.