Sorry for the gap in posts. The Zavala house is hosting family this week and next, so time on the laptop is sparse.
I went to a movie this weekend and saw the preview for New Moon. Am I a total dork if I say I really want to see this?! I've read all the books and have fallen in love with these characters.
Am I crazy to say these books woke up something in me? Nothing to do with the actual storyline or vampire/teenage plot, but something deeper - something passionate? Something I can't quite articulate.
A longing for the eternal - for a life without a time limit. A life without death or dying.
Love. Love so real you can touch it.
Beauty. Beauty in nature. Beauty in us. Beauty in music.
Life without sickness.
Strength without limits.
Being desired above all else.
Wow. I just can't put my arms around it. I can't bottle it up for you and show you how it's burning underneath my skin. But it's definitely there. I can push it to the back of my mind for a bit, but it just keeps bubbling up.
Sometimes things change you and you just can't go back to who you were before. It's even crazier when the thing that changed you really had nothing to do with it - it just brought out feelings in you that were already there. Feelings you needed to deal with eventually.
My whole life I've been so impatient to live. Always on to the next thing. College, marriage, job, kids. I've lived my life like a race, hurrying from one checkpoint to another. What happens in the eternal? Can I just be? Can I slow down? Can I wait for a tree to grow? Or the sun to rise?
And now? Can I enjoy my children in each stage and age? Can I throw myself into my music or painting knowing there is no quick path? Can I listen to a piece of music without moving? Can I pray without thinking of my grocery list?
There are some things that just burn in me that I can't control. I don't think I'm supposed to. I think those longings, yearnings, those needs are meant to be there. And I think they are meant to be awoken at some point. If they aren't stirred, you may never ask yourself that question. Which comes out differently for everyone, but runs something like this:
What's the point of all this?