Friday, June 19, 2009

Pillars of Sand

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

~Viva la Vida, Coldplay

What are the castles I'm building?

I'll be the first to admit, my small group time usually falls into "social" time, not any kind of spiritual growth.

But now, every time I sit down to enjoy my coffee and dessert, I'm hit over the head with thought provoking, heart changing, life altering truth.

Whoa, what? Look people, I just want to eat my chocolate in peace. I wasn't expecting heart surgery. And yet, there it is. And I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. No fancy study or 10 steps to a better Christian or some new church-wide experiment. Nope.

And, it's not some revolutionary, I'm a new person thing. It's like God is chipping off a tiny piece at a time. I'm getting the feeling this is a slow process - like lifetime slow.

This week - my thoughts swirl around how I put limitations on God. And what does it look like to not limit God? El Shaddai - God Almighty. Almighty - unlimited in power. He can make the impossible possible. He made the rules (of nature) and He can break them as He pleases (and does).

What does it mean to not place limits on God though? Surely one cannot expect that God will offer up a miracle anytime you ask. He also doesn't promise there won't be suffering, in fact He plainly tells us that their WILL be suffering.

Do I limit Him through my own perceptions of who He is? Or what I think He wants for me? Or my doubt that He could even care about or have a plan for one person out of the billions running around on this planet?

Do I make my own life (castles) without any regard to His will? And where does that lead? And where does this path lead? This slow discovery path. Me asking, Him answering.

At least I didn't cry this time.

I've had a lot of castles. And often the walls did "close" on me and those castles crumbled. I'm sure I still do have castles I'm building. Family was a castle of mine. The perfect family. Great husband, kids, home. And then that castle crumbled when we found out about hubby's MS. No longer was our future certain (as if it ever was). My perfect picture was gone, replaced by fear and uncertainty. Will Mark always be able to work? What will his future be? No one knows. He could be fine or ...

I had the castle of the perfect kids. I now know that there are no perfect kids, and certainly no perfect parents. Both of our children have challenged us in ways we never would have expected.

The demolition of each of these castles has brought me slowly down to my knees. Where I'm learning that this life is a wild ride, and I'd like someone who knows what they're doing to drive. And I'll give you a clue - that's NOT me.

So I'm starting to leave my "dreams" and instead follow my "path" - the one created just for me, wherever that goes.

This post really has no ending, my mind just keeps meditating on that question "how do I limit God" and I think this is something I'll be processing until the next small group. Anyone else have input on this? Or should I just stick to talking about my groceries? HA!

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