Hell Week

Why is it that all the crap in my life piles on right as I'm at the peak of that emotional roller coaster called PMS???!!!!

Look people! I don't want to hear any bad news, sort of bad news, or news that could be construed as bad by a crazy, delusional person during this time. I'm just warning you now. The last week of the month is no good folks. Just go away and keep whatever it is you've gotta tell me until next week...when I'm sane.

And heaven help you if you're late, or otherwise make me have to wait for something like...food. Hunger and PMS don't go together.

Otherwise, you're gonna see the quick-tempered, "let me set this straight", "I don't want to deal with this crap" Melissa.

So to all those that have been trampled in my wake...Sorry!

I Won't Apologize

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
Wanna be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe

I refuse to apologize for who I am. I won't deny what I love. I won't hide who I live for.

This is who I AM. If there's anything you like about me, if there's one good thing I've ever done, know it all comes from Him, not me. The things that come from me are only self-serving. The things I've done I'm ashamed of. The thoughts in my head were all dark. The selfish part of me wants to tell you to go #$%^ yourself. The bitchy part of me wants to tell you off and dump you out of my life when times get rough. The immature me craves happiness and pleasure. And though these are me, they are not me. This is not who I am anymore.

This won't make sense to anyone. But it makes sense to me. Just something I had to lay out there. One of those days where a hole is ripped into your chest and your left standing there trying to hide your insecurities.

But I'm not hiding anymore.

In This Beautiful Place

I believe Monday must be "Realization Day". Cause I've had another.

For those of you who know me, you know I had a big life change last November. Namely, the birth of my son and end of my paid working days. And although I've been home with Hayden for 8 months now, I still haven't found that "groove". You know, the "groove", or when I was working, I believed I called it a "rut", haha. Basically, it's that point at which you have a routine, where you get comfortable with each day.

So today, I started thinking about my "groove", or lack there of. And suddenly, it dawned on me, I'm still living my life as if I'm working. I'm still trying to enjoy all the things that gave me pleasure while working, and ignoring the things that I now can get pleasure from.

When I was working, the only pleasurable things I had time for were: 1.) Eating out, usually dinner or lunch 2.) Happy hours 3.) Buying stuff

Three things that cost money. But I had money, time was what I lacked. Now, the opposite is true. But my head is still stuck on those 3 things. I just didn't notice until right now.

But I think awareness is key. So today, I found new pleasure in things I could never have enjoyed before.

I remember every day when I used to walk out to my car in the morning to go to work, I'd think. Wow, it's a beautiful day. I wish I could stay home and enjoy it. So today, for the first time in 8 months, I went for a morning walk with Hayden. And it was beautiful. We walked through the neighborhood and to the park, and while walking I realized that no one was waiting for me at home, no one was expecting me anywhere, no one needed me at that moment. This thought would have filled me with loneliness and fear before, but now there was this strange sense of peace. That at this moment there was only me, and God. The rest of the world just melted away. The busyness, the materialism, the greed, the constant quest for beauty. All gone.

I thought about all the places I've been. I thought about my grandmother, and her love of roses. The roses that would climb up the wall of her house when I was a little girl. I thought about the waterfalls in Hawaii. The moonlit walk Mark and I took one night on the Honolulu Beach. I remembered the smell of my grandpa's garage. I thought about all the things that make me, well, me. Funny, none of those things have to do with what I seem to obsess so much over, or what the world tells me is important.

Counting the Hours

When I was working, I always counted the hours until the end of the day, week, ect. I thought once I quit working that habit would stop. Every day would be the weekend!

...

HA

...

I find that I count the hours even more now that I am home. Except my count no longer has anything to do with me. I count the hours until Mark gets home. And no matter how hard or fast I work, I have no control over when this happens. I can just wait. Wait patiently.

And as I wait, my mind takes over, building up how his arrival will finally feel. What we'll do, say, how it will be. To have someone to talk to. To have someone to do something with. And not just any someone. Because there are plenty of someones out there I could spend time with. This Someone means the world to me. This Someone lights up my life. This Someone amazes me. This Someone makes me smile, makes me love, makes me forget that he'll ever leave my presence again.

But in this imperfect world, time is never spent like we want. There are chores to do, tiredness, mis communications, and children to take care of. But sometimes, just sometimes, the night turns into exactly what it should be. And I am happy once more.

So I wait patiently for that moment. I count the hours, I watch the clock, and hope tonight is that night, when we laugh, when we live, when we love.

A Sport for Everyone

Image from Vox Efx

Today I came out of my couch potato shell and tried something new. This is a big thing for me, because I NEVER try anything new. I'm one of those people who gets embarrassed when I can't do something well.

But a unique opportunity came up, and I actually acted on it. Let me set the scene:

15 (ok maybe 17) years ago...
I'm in elementary school, there's a girl in our class who reminds me a bit of myself, maybe even more clueless than I am. She begins talking about being on a softball team. I think, "Her? Playing sports? Heck, if she can do it, I can do it. I want to play softball too!"

I rush home to tell my parents my new decision. They seem to support it. The buy me a glove and a ball. My Dad teaches me to throw and catch in the front yard. I'm lovin' it. But hold on one second...my parents don't have the time to take me to practices and games. Softball is nixed.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years...
My cousin comes over. We're bored. She happens to have a glove because she DOES play softball. I dust off my old glove, we throw the ball back and forth. I get clocked in the chin. Ouch. No tears though, took it like the tough chick I am.

2 months ago...
A good friend of mine gets an idea to start a softball team in the city league. She mentions the idea to me. Inside I'm thinking, "Wow, that sounds so fun!" But then that little voice creeps into my head, reminding me that I've never played softball, and that I'd probably suck. I'm sure this team will have people who actually know how to play. I get some courage and say I'll join.

1 month ago...
I casually ask my friend if she got enough girls to join the team (you need 5). She informs me that we do. The little voice in my head says, "Great. This is the perfect opportunity for you to back out. They don't need you and now have plenty of REAL softball players. " I gracefully bow out of the team.

2 weeks ago...
My friend asks me if I wouldn't mind subbing for one of the girls that can't make it. I jump on the opportunity, knowing that in all honesty I do want to play. This seems like a "safe" way to play, but not be expected to be good or anything. After all, I'm helping out, they need 5 girls.

Last Sunday...
I go to the first practice. I'm late. I had pulled my old glove out of the garage. Uh oh. It doesn't fit anymore. I raced to Target to get a new one on the way there. They've already started. Nervousness sets in. My mind racing, "I suck, this will be embarrassing, I suck." One of the girls on the team quickly gets me integrated into the practice. I'm up to bat, I actually hit a few balls. I'm in outfield. Nothing too tragic happens. In fact, a lot of us are on the same level. I end the practice feeling good, I even join the team.

Tonight...
First game. I'm nervous. Although this is a novice league, what will the other team be like. Man I hope I don't mess up. I want to do well. Game is good. We don't win, but hey, the other team's been playing together for 4 years and we've only had 1 practice. I leave the game happy. Happy to have played. Happy to have stepped out of my shell and done something new.

It felt good

To the Sea

I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me through the mountains
Through the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

Lyrics from Crystal

One of my favorite songs, highly recommend Stevie Nicks Crystal - good stuff. Drowns out the whimpers of my munchkin who is fighting sleep in his swing next to me.

Sometimes I wish the outer me, matched the inner me. The inner me who is on fire, burning deeply, passionate. It's unfortunate that the word passionate has been so misused as of late. It's become cliché. Passion should be a deep burning desire that's screaming to get out. An ache at the core of who you are. Instead it's become a soap opera. Ugh.


Passion

NOUN:

1. Sexual hunger: amativeness, concupiscence, desire, eroticism, erotism, itch, libidinousness, lust, lustfulness, prurience, pruriency. See DESIRE, SEX. 2. A subject or activity that inspires lively interest: craze, enthusiasm, mania, rage. See CONCERN. 3. Passionate devotion to or interest in a cause or subject, for example: ardor, enthusiasm, fervor, fire, zeal, zealousness. See CONCERN, FEELINGS. 4. A strong, enthusiastic liking for something: love, love affair, romance. See LOVE. 5. The passionate affection and desire felt by lovers for each other: amorousness, fancy, love, romance. See LOVE, SEX. 6. Powerful, intense emotion: ardor, fervency, fervor, fire. See FEELINGS. 7. An angry outburst: fit2, huff, tantrum, temper. Informal : conniption, conniption fit. See FEELINGS.

**from Roget

Number 6 hits it.

Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

Yeah, passion. We've all got it. Some of us just have it buried so deep we're dead.

Confessions of a Lawnmower

So today I mowed the lawn. Mowing the lawn is an interesting activity 1.) because you can devise an interesting lawn mowing strategy and 2.) because you have lots of time to think.

Now, first, to get it out of the way, let's talk about lawn mowing strategy. Because you have to have one. Are you the left to right straight line mower guy? Are you the progressively smaller square mower guy? Or...are you me? The crazy 8's, triangles, oops I forgot a spot, oh yeah I have to mow the other side too, where did that grass come from, and my all-time favorite - I'll get that spot next time. Also, I tend to fall into the vacuuming strategy, which is good for carpet, but kind of useless for mowing. I.e. you don't mow back and forth over the same spot more than once, like you might while vacuuming. I do confess, I'm the worst lawn mower on the planet, next to maybe some rich celebutant. But, hey, I tried.

Ok, on to my lawn mowing thoughts. I was pre-blogging in my head, thinking about my lawn mowing experience. Honestly, I have interesting discussions with myself while mowing the yard. Many of them having to do with what a crappy lawn mower I am. Or if I was a bird and had the choice of either a.) keeping my wings and flying or b.) getting arms, but not be able to fly, which would I choose? Hard decision.

Or wouldn't it be awesome if we had a pool. A pool I could just dive right into after mowing. But, if we had a pool, would I let myself dive in all sweaty and dirty from mowing? Probably not. Then the thought morphed into, we should get one of those walmart pools or uh, adult lounges...as they call them on the package. I guess that's cause they're like 4 feet tall, but still. A pool is a pool. But then I'd have to clean a pool. How do you clean an "adult lounge"...? Would I have to like empty it every week and scrub it down? Then an image of a nasty plastic pool covered in moss came to mind. Yeah, that's probably what would happen. Yuck.

And I must admit, I'm a wimpy girl. Lawn mowing is not my forte. Let me share my first lawn mowing experience a few years back. So, I thought I'd be super cool and surprise Mark by mowing the yard. I pull out the lawn mower, pull that oh so long string...and hmmm...nothing. Shit. 50 pulls later and one sore arm, I rack my brain about what I'm doing wrong. I dunno. Hmmmm...ok well I can't call Mark or there goes the surprise. So I call my next best guy, Mikey!!! So, uh, Mikey, if I wanted to like start a lawn mower, how does one do that? He was super sweet and didn't laugh his ass off at me (at least on the phone) and directed me to the cute little red button on the side of the mower. "You need to prime it"...Uh, what? What the hell is that? Prime what? And what does prime mean? I don't have to prime my car, it just starts, why can't this little thing start without it? Ok fine, I won't argue with the mower about it's obvious limitations. Thanks, Mikey, I'll try that. Presto!! Sheesh, what a pain in the butt. So that was my first mowing experience.

Of course, I'm a seasoned mower now (*cough) and know all about these mowing things. Yet, it never fails, that after I've almost finished I run out of gas both for the mower and myself. Pulling that damn cord after I've mowed for like an hour is just ridiculous. One time my neighbor felt so sorry for me, he came over and pulled it. Argh. There goes girl power. Who invented this piece of crap. A man who was A.) right-handed and B.) had extremely long arms.
Anywho, so yes it happened again today. Two triangles left and the damn thing runs out of gas. I run and get the gas (spilling it on me slightly, what's up with that little opening in the back of the gas can!! Bah!), pour gas in (uh, and I must say i'm getting alot better at this), and attempt to restart. Only took me 4 tries.

Then my brain whisks me away to my usual thought after spilling gas on me...if I put clothes that have gas on them in the dryer will it explode? Hmmm...not sure about that one. If I wash them first I think the chances go way down on that one. But still...ya never know.

So yeah, that's me today.

Recycle Your Life

Melissa's Thursday Challenge:

Recycle your life!

So what does that mean? I have recently decided to set down my materialistic consumer ways, for a new way - recycling. And no I'm not talking about throwing cans and newspaper in a bin.

I'm talking about rediscovering the things you once loved, and probably still do. Things collecting dust in your corner, things you though you were tired of.

I've found so many things that I'd forgotten about, but still love.

My "Finds":

1. My old Matchbox 20 Mad Season CD. Dude, I love that CD. And suddenly its no longer old to me! I'm listening to it now.

2. A pair of capris I had marked for donation. Wearing them today!

3. A t-shirt I picked up in hawaii. Wearing it now.

4. A good book - Journey of Desire. Already read it, but damn if reading it again doesn't rock my world.

5. An awesome movie - I pulled out my old Brotherhood of the Wolf DVD. Good stuff.

6. Ice tea - finally using the ice tea bags I bought that were hanging out in the back of the pantry. Tasty!

7. Drawing pad. I miss drawing! Pulled that out last week and started back up.

Anywho, those are what i found to recycle. What about you?

All grown up!

Today, my little man got a tooth! Like most mothers, my finger is constantly searching around for that first tooth. So today I was feeding Hayden and noticed that the spoon was sticking more than usual when he bit down. Sure enough, there's a little tooth poking out. Nothing much to see now, but you can definitely feel the sharp little bugger!

Then we finish eating and I put him down to play on the floor. He's pretty much crawling now, so he enjoys floor time. I go over to the kitchen to grab some lunch, and when I come back...presto...he's sitting up!! I put him down on his tummy. He continued to impress me with his sitting up skills for the next hour.

Sheesh, when babies change, it's by leaps and bounds. Tooth and sitting all in one day!

I'm trying to wait as long as possible before I go buy the baby corral. But, I may need to go get it sooner than I thought. He's pretty much mobile. Now he's trying to follow me around the house. Unfortunately for him, his crawling is pretty much at a snail's pace. So by the time he gets to where I was, I'm not there anymore!

Also, I guess the swing days are numbered. He's anti-stationary! He wants to be loose and tumbling around. Plus he's getting big! I think these swings have a max weight of 20 lbs. He's already probably at least 18 if not bigger. We'll find out next month at the doctor's office.

And, I finally stopped nursing him. Harder for me than him. He wanted the instant gratification of the bottle, not the comfort of mommy. Sniff Sniff. It's been over two weeks now. I'm pretty much over it. It was definitely a unique bonding experience that I'll miss. But someone needs to inform my boobs about this new development, cause they're still the same size! I guess the cup change is permanent? Hmmm...

Friends

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life



Yeah...I wish I could have changed things. I wish I could have done things differently. I wish I was different. I wish I knew the right words to say. How about you? How many friends have you "lost"?

6

Ode to Sweat

Oh Sweat, how nasty art thou?
But if I didn't work out I'd be as big as a cow.

You are no sweet aroma,
Nor look good - chic or dude,
Except maybe supermodels
Who never eat food.

Thank goodness for showers,
They have super powers
Which shoo you away for the day.


HA! My rhyming is atrocious, but nevertheless, my point is made. Feels good to work out, I just hate getting sweaty. Yuck. I think this is a new blog record for me, 3 posts in one day. Wooooot. I must be feeling chatty.

Free Hugs

P.S. We all have bad days. I'm giving out free hugs at my house. I'll even throw in a cup of coffee.

One of my favorite ideas: http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

Disclaimer: I'm not as cuddly as a teddy bear. Offer only valid for friends. Crazies need not apply.

Re-Creation

Over the past few days I've been thinking about all the wonderful subjects I could blog about. And since I'm terribly opinionated, there were many. I think I'm even blogging in my head. But, today a new situation popped up that brought everything I've been thinking about together.

Some of you...I think...may be wondering where all these topics come from? Is my blog directed at someone in particular? Am I angry at something? Am I disapproving of someone? Hmmm...good questions. I will attempt to answer all these and more!

Important Point #1 (and only):

My friends read this blog. I hope.

This means that I cannot bitch about my friends on this blog. Well, I guess I could. But then I'd be an idiot with no friends. And I'm not denying the desire to bitch. I think a lot of us have it (us being a general term, no particular person in mind). I admire greatly those (again general, but definitely not including myself) who do not possess this difficult to break habit.

So what do I do with this desire? I may bitch about the person to another friend (totally bad habit) or to my husband (who doesn't care). But when it comes to blogging, I always do this...I take that issue and internalize it. Why don't I like it? Is it because it remind me of something I do? Or a bad trait I have? Generally the answer is yes. So, even though the original thought came from them, I soon realize that my offenses are FAR worse than theirs, and it's really me I should be bitching about. I discover horrible traits and qualities in myself that I didn't even know were there.

Here's an example: Let's say my bitch starts out with a friend using a mobile device too much (which we all acknowledge and kid about). And trust me, if you're thinking "She's talking about me!!!" You're right. All of you mobile abusers!! You're not alone. It's an epidemic, not an isolated case with my friends. I think about that habit and look at myself. What about me? What am I doing? I'm blogging about spending time with Hayden, instead of actually spending time with Hayden!!! Eeek. I'm taking and posting pics of my baby instead of enjoying him. I'm checking email and chatting all day, I'm a wreck. Much worse then my mobile friends.

A little side note, Hayden is napping in the swing and he just started laughing in his sleep. Melts my heart.

But here's the moral of today's lesson: I am a messed up and imperfect person. Which is painfully obvious if you read this blog. I'm trying to fix things (with the help of God, cause doing it on my own has shown no improvement). I also need to develop more interests, so I spend less time in other people's lives and more time in my own. And that is just what I'm going to do, good day!

Why Can't We Just Be Ourselves

Beautiful image is from cesarastudillo.

Why is it we pretend to be what we're not? Hide what we truly love? Assess our "coolness" factor? Betray what we're passionate about? All for the approval of others. The opinion of others. I've decided to stop hiding. I will be me. I will not apologize for being me. I will not be embarrassed of my likes, dislikes, passions, or ...of me. And I will surround myself with those who do the same.

I am declaring to the world the following:

1. I love World of Warcraft
2. I hate Martinis
3. I love Harry Potter books and movies
4. I love Star Wars, but only the original 3.
5. I love Star Trek, but only the Next Generation.
6. I love big furry slippers
7. I love movies about ghosts and ships, and if its about ghosts on ships, even better.
8. Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink, followed closely by Mellow Yellow.
9. My favorite animated Disney movie is Sleeping Beauty ( I also love Beauty and the Beast).

10. If I could pick any Halloween costume, I'd be a pirate.
11. I love skirts and sarongs.
12. I love to fish. But hate to take the fish off the hook.
13. I hate Sex in the City. There, I admitted it.
14. I love CSI (Las Vegas only), Law and Order, Murder She Wrote, and Heroes.
15. I love mystery/thriller/suspense novels.
16. I like to scrapbook.
17. I don't like going to bars unless there's something to do. (Dance, pool, hookahs)
18. I love the Fall season
19. October-December is my favorite holiday season.
20. I love to draw and paint.
21. I hate oysters.
22. I love trains.

So there's a little about me you may or may not know. I'm not hiding anymore, so neither should you. What are YOU worried about showing others? And why?

Is there any reason you can't be genuine? REAL? Set down the mask and show us who you really are behind the lies we tell ourselves.

Sometimes you tell yourself so many lies you don't even remember who you are anymore.