Monday, July 30, 2007

In This Beautiful Place

I believe Monday must be "Realization Day". Cause I've had another.

For those of you who know me, you know I had a big life change last November. Namely, the birth of my son and end of my paid working days. And although I've been home with Hayden for 8 months now, I still haven't found that "groove". You know, the "groove", or when I was working, I believed I called it a "rut", haha. Basically, it's that point at which you have a routine, where you get comfortable with each day.

So today, I started thinking about my "groove", or lack there of. And suddenly, it dawned on me, I'm still living my life as if I'm working. I'm still trying to enjoy all the things that gave me pleasure while working, and ignoring the things that I now can get pleasure from.

When I was working, the only pleasurable things I had time for were: 1.) Eating out, usually dinner or lunch 2.) Happy hours 3.) Buying stuff

Three things that cost money. But I had money, time was what I lacked. Now, the opposite is true. But my head is still stuck on those 3 things. I just didn't notice until right now.

But I think awareness is key. So today, I found new pleasure in things I could never have enjoyed before.

I remember every day when I used to walk out to my car in the morning to go to work, I'd think. Wow, it's a beautiful day. I wish I could stay home and enjoy it. So today, for the first time in 8 months, I went for a morning walk with Hayden. And it was beautiful. We walked through the neighborhood and to the park, and while walking I realized that no one was waiting for me at home, no one was expecting me anywhere, no one needed me at that moment. This thought would have filled me with loneliness and fear before, but now there was this strange sense of peace. That at this moment there was only me, and God. The rest of the world just melted away. The busyness, the materialism, the greed, the constant quest for beauty. All gone.

I thought about all the places I've been. I thought about my grandmother, and her love of roses. The roses that would climb up the wall of her house when I was a little girl. I thought about the waterfalls in Hawaii. The moonlit walk Mark and I took one night on the Honolulu Beach. I remembered the smell of my grandpa's garage. I thought about all the things that make me, well, me. Funny, none of those things have to do with what I seem to obsess so much over, or what the world tells me is important.

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