Death of an iPod

Back in the olden days when I was a wee lad in Tijuana (say it Tee-a-juh-WANNA, it sounds better),

er wait, I mean back when I was in college there was this new way of listening to music - MP3s....ooooooh aaaaah

(and before you start lecturing me on iTunes format is not MP3, I know that...just wait for the story jeez).

We copied and downloaded music free with reckless abandon - THIEVES - at the time, I never really thought of it, hehe. I don't think anyone did - it was the 90s for goodness sakes, we were all just glad we had computers at that point.

And MP3 players at that time were like, unheard of or really expensive, which for a college student means - UNHEARD OF. So we walked around with CD players (which I sometimes referred to as a walkman, dang I'm old). And how pysched I was that I could make a CD of any songs I wanted - FOR FREE. Then again, some CD players wouldn't even play them, which sucked...but I digress, for the 100th time.

So years fly by and poof I'm a grown up or something. And then I go back to church. And God said I needed to get rid of my "stealing" habits...otherwise known as enjoying copious amounts of really good music. And I repent of my ways and turn to iTunes (now referred to as THE DEVIL).

And as I paid my 99 cents to THE DEVIL, I felt purged of this dreadful dark secret. I spent over the last 5 years or so racking up hundreds (maybe a thousand ACK I hate to think of that) of dollars in music on THE DEVIL.

Then THE DEVIL went and had a baby and named it iPod. iPod or THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL made THE DEVIL mobile!!! So of course I had to get one. I got a nice video version of THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL and was quite pleased with myself.

It kind of then sat in a drawer for awhile so I could have two kids, and there's really not a lot of iPodding to be done when you're chasing after two kids. So maybe it's my fault because I ignored it and no one puts THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL in the corner. When I finally break it out, so I can shamelessly make my 2 year old sit still on the airplaine by watching Happy Feet a thousand times, what do I see - AN UGLY DARK PIXEL DEATH ACROSS THE SCREEN.

Oh you've got to be kidding me!! I've barely used this thing, rarely drop kicked it down the stairs - there is no way this can be happening. But I suck it up and use it anyway, cause it's only a few pixels right? There are still hundreds (thousands?) left to go around. And plus, it still plays my darling iTunes - WHICH WILL PLAY NO WHERE ELSE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE APPLE IS TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE.

And then it happened, the finally straw breaking moment - I wanted to change up my running playlist and so I plug THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL into my computer so THE DEVIL can add a few playlists to it, and nothing. No worky. I went through the Apple steps of troubleshooting, there final piece of wisdom - it must be hardware. Well no &#$# sherlock.

I bought (or should I say bit) into the Apple world and have gotten a bitter taste. Now my thousands of dollars in music is hijacked on my computer. Oh I can make CDs - if I want to haul around my old CD player like I did in the 90s.

But, being the crafty gal I know I am, I BEAT YOU DEVIL. Cause guess what, I've been cheating on you with Rio. Who's Rio? My cheapie MP3 player I bought 7 years ago before I got you SPAWN OF THE DEVIL. So I burned my CD (but oh noes can't burn an mp3 cd of iTunes bought stuff) and then my Rio software converted it for me. THANKS FOR NOTHING. And although it may have taken me an HOUR of messing with you, then giving up, burning cds, and dusting off Rio - I still got to do my run - AT 11:00PM!!

So I'm breaking up with you SPAWN OF THE DEVIL. I will not be sucked into wasting hundreds of more dollars to fix or replace you. SO THERE!

P.S. Anyone know where i can find a good deal on an iPod?

Week Wrap Up

First off, Fall Fitness has officially launched! We have 7 bloggers signed up so far and I'm excited to hear everyone's stories! Go check it out!! It's never too late to join the community and start blogging - just leave a comment over there and I'll get you your invite.

Now back to my regular blogging. I'm trying to figure out how "things should work around here" with Mark being at home. We've gone the past two months on survival mode, but now I think it's time to get back to our structured days. To keep Mark's sanity (and my own), we've instituted a new schedule for both of us.

The design of our house is not exactly conducive to private or quiet times. This becomes most apparent when Mark needs to work on his resume, fill out applications, or reply to emails. Our "office" is a loft above the family room, and the family room is, well, the family room - the noisiest environment you can imagine. Throw in the fact that Hayden takes about 1-2 naps a week, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Our new plan is that Mark can throw on his headphones and work on whatever during the day, as long as he's completely available between 6-10pm for the family. This gives me back my "reign" of the house, and keeps him from getting constantly interrupted and frustrated. That's our plan anyway, we'll see how it goes.

I need to enforce a little more self-discipline when in comes to my bed time so I can have more energy during the day. I have definitely noticed an improvement now that I'm going to bed at 10:30pm. Unfortunately, I've been scooting that time back a little farther each night and I can feel it. Back to 10:30 bedtime for me!! I really do feel much better sleeping from 10:30-6:30. I just don't like admitting it to myself, I prefer to be known as a night owl - instead I'm the old lady. BAH!

This week Mark held a Chili's night to fund raise for the upcoming MS Walk. I was so disappointed not to be there, although I heard many of you were!! Food poisoning kept me praying to the porcelain god. Believe me, I'd have much rather been at Chili's!! Now I'm recovering from the dehydration of that day. I think I'm to about 80%, but I'm sure I'll be fully recovered soon. Now I'm even more anti-processed food!!!! HA! Sliced lunch meat no more!

Corbin has begun to take steps - 2-3 at a time, so I'm sure he'll be running around here in no time. He's still such a little guy, I have to keep reminding myself he's actually 15 months (today). Wow. Is it time for another munchkin? Soon I hope - but until we sort out Mark's job that isn't even a topic of discussion! I think Mark would currently pass out at the idea of Zavala 3 - these two keep us on our toes with all their shenanigans.

Here are a few pics of life in the Zavala household to send you into the weekend:

Fall Fitness

I'm interested in starting another blog - but this one would be authored by multiple bloggers with a common theme - achieving fitness and health goals this fall.

With the insanely hot weather this summer, I've done nothing in this area of my life. I've pretty much eaten whatever I felt like, and exercise was limited mostly to finding the TV remote under the couch.

So, I'm looking for interested parties who want to contribute. Whether your goals are losing weight, eating healthier, or getting in shape - everyone's welcome. There's no minimum/maximum posting requirements, just write when you need encouragement or want to celebrate or whatever.

My hope is that it would be a blog to inspire, motivate, and encourage each other. For me, it's also an accountability. If I write it down, then I'm more likely to persevere when that chocolate doughnut looks longingly at me, and whispers sweetly "EAT ME!".

There are lots of other wonderful blogs out there that have the same concept, but what's different for me, is that you all are my friends. Not to say that it's limited to only my friends, but there's something beautiful about sharing and motivating with friends.

I'll flip comments on for interested folks. Just leave a comment if you'd like to participate.

Date Afternoon

The hubby and I are going out this afternoon - yippee!! Not sure what we're doing yet, as there are no movies playing during the time we have a sitter - and that nix's our original idea. I always think back to the date night we actually considered going toilet shopping...I'm hoping it won't come to something like that. Surely we can coming up with something fun to do between the hours of 1-3:30pm. HA!

Weather is nice, so that helps.

We have gift cards for Main Event, so maybe bowling?

Either way, we'll enjoy the silence. I think that's one of the things I miss getting a little of. With a 2 year old and a 1 year old, there's not a lot of it. I also like being able to have a conversation with my hubby uninterrupted. Yesterday we were practically yelling over them trying to talk about our days.

Off

Today I just feel off. Not really sure why. The piles of stress seem heavier today, and my confidence is lower. I feel like I'm second-guessing myself all the time. I feel like I, well, suck, at everything today.

I could list out my burdens, but that would be just whiny. Let's just say I have one or two.

Most of the time I churn along just fine in spite of it all. Today is today. I only need to get through today. Occasionally, my mind rests in a darker spot. I hate that.

I know I should be praying, but my mind prefers to just wallow in it - not really ready to let it all go.

Sleep should help. It generally does.

Getting out helps. Sometimes a girl just needs a break. Today after nap time, I just wasn't fully functional to cope with the needs of two kids. Corbin crying. He didn't want to be put down, but he didn't want me to sit down with him in my arms. Oh, no. He wanted me to hold him and stand. Hayden waking up in one of his moods.

Do you want to sit down? No.

Do you want to lay down? No.

Do you want to stand up? No.

Do you want a banana? No.

Okay, no banana? Banana!

So you do want a banana? No.

ARGH!

Corbin angry at his sippy cup - why isn't it a bottle? What the heck? Kid hasn't had a bottle in two weeks. Doesn't want the cup, doesn't want me to put the cup away. Just wants me to hold it AND him.

Hahahaha. And so goes the 5 o' clock hour as we're waiting for Daddy to get home from wherever he was that day. Some days I handle this better than others.

Today I handled it by demanding we all GO FOR A WALK. Oh how I love walks. Mostly because they mean a little peace for me. Minus the numerous stops for squabbles, pretzel fights, stick retrieval, and nose wiping.

So what's the point of this rambling? I have no idea. Like I said, I'm off.

Today, and Nothing More

First off, thanks for all the comments on the mama drama. It's good to hear many of you have healthy or healthier relationships with your Mamas. It's also good to hear I'm not the only one too. Actually, it was really good cause I was starting to think there was something wrong with me - I'm perfect right? Haha. I'm sure there's issues on both ends, but I'd like to think it wasn't just on my side.

I liked the idea of turning on the comments once in awhile to get the advice and thoughts flowing. For now, I'm going back to no comments, but I'll flip them back on for another post I'm sure. You can always email me if you really need to give me a piece of your mind - or just tell me something nice, cause I love hearing nice things!

Tonight, I got to hear about the recent mission trip to India that four of our wonderful church family members took. It really gives you something to think about and brings home the statement "It's all relative". Times may seem tough for us now, but honestly, we're in luxury compared to most of the world's standards.

And in light of that, on my drive home, I really got to thinking about my attitude during this season of our lives. Basically, that attitude has been one of pure "wanting". I "want" Mark to find a job. I "want" it to be soon. I "want" things to go back to normal. Ugh. How easy it is to forget, that each day of our life is orchestrated by God. He knew that I would be in this moment. He knows how the events of my life will unfold. Why worry a single second about what tomorrow will bring? He already knows.

As I read through the bible stories of the lives of those who came before me, it's so glaringly obvious that each season of our life serves His purpose. It may be unknown why some are in jail, why some suffer, why some have no jobs, why some have no money - but only to us - God has a plan and purpose in all of this.

So I will not walk in the attitude of "wanting" or desperation. I will walk in the attitude of anticipation - anticipation of God's glory in our lives, and thankfulness - thankfulness for all He has provided today.

Release

We're finally company-free tonight. And it feels really good. I feel like my true purpose and duties always get clouded when I'm trying to please someone else. And I suppose they do.

Now I need to pick up the pieces of my real life and put everything back in order. What does Mark need? Have I been supporting him? I haven't gotten to talk to him. What does he need me to do?

Time to get the kids off the TV and back into the family world.

Time to get back to the running of the house.

I used to feel overwhelmed by the duties that can back up while you're entertaining, now I'm energized by them. I feel out of sorts if I'm not doing them, and happy to get back to my own life.

I'm a "pleaser" personality, and it's draining for me when I am unable to "please" someone even when I'm trying so hard. I always feel like I fail at that with my mom. I just need to realize that there is nothing I can do to please her. My duties are to my husband and children, not to her. My worth comes from my relationship with God, not my relationship with her. And that's ok.

So I feel a release when the visit is over. I can go back to being myself. Let my guard down. Put my focuses back where they should be, and never should have left.

I love my mother. All I want is for her to be happy with me. I've been striving for it my whole life. And that's the problem.

But I guess that's the mother/daughter drama eh? I may open up comments on this one for some discussion. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? How have you worked through your conflicts? What attitudes/perspective have you achieved?

Today it rained buckets...and I loved it! It's been such a long, dry summer that our grass is completely brown, my tomatoes still haven't produced a thing, and I've gone into hibernation mode to stay out of the heat.

I'm looking forward to the days when I can dust off my jogging stroller and head to the trails at our park. Get out my iPod and run away my stress - and extra pounds! But that's not going to happen with temperatures above 90, and especially above 100. I'm hoping this rain is a sign of things to come - you know, fall.

I'm so ready for fall. We live in Texas, so I wouldn't exactly say that we had a real fall - but any change, even the slightest, is good.

I'm also looking forward to Corbin getting his room back. He's been sleeping in our room this week since we have company - and damn that boy is a light sleeper. Every rustle of the covers on my part evokes a whimper. And then the random wake ups. I'm way too in tune with him to ignore even the slightest noise. Comes with mommyhood I guess - Mark would never hear it. Of course, he's chosen the couch over sleep interruptions - loser.

Monday night I will have my sleep restored. And that's a good, good thing.

I feel like my calendar is filling up rapidly for the coming months. But isn't it always like that this time of year? Fall brings with it a collection of holidays and the events that correspond - but even more than that. Ladies bible study begins, Hayden gets evaluated for his speech, football season and Saturday game watches, MS Walk, boat party, parenting seminar...ok the list is quite long.

By the way, I really need to rsvp for the parenting thingy. I've been trying to work it out, but no luck so far on the babysitting front. I think I may do this one solo and leave Mark alone with the kiddos.

Kiddos got their first colds last week. Luckily, they weren't too bad. No doctor visits needed. I'm sure there are many more of those to come. I'm trying to just look at it as "normal" mode and not get hyper about it. It is a bummer when it interrupts plans though. We're pretty active as far as having the kids out with us, so when we can't bring them along, we end up canceling a lot of stuff.

Well it's after 10:30pm and I've given myself a new bedtime. I know, like Mark says - what are you? an old lady? But, I feel 100% better now that I'm not staying up late. Even though technically I'm averaging the same amount of sleep. I get up earlier between 6:30am-7am, but I don't feel like complete crap when I do. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'm getting old. Can't do what I used to and all that jazz. Old at 28? Sheesh, I gotta long way to go. Somebody get the duct tape, I'm breakin down.

Totally Tuesday

Whenever I don't have an actual post topic I just use the day of the week with some cheesy same letter word. Whatever. So yay, it's random post day! Okay, so they are all random - but you still love me right, right? Oh that's right, I turned off comments. Boo.

So my latest achievement is getting rid of the bottle!!! Oh it's a glorious thing. No more bottles, no more formula. Guess it's time to have another baby - or er, no. I think I'm going to enjoy this time for a little bit longer before I start thinking about that.

Of course, for all other things I'm failing miserably. No luck on potty training with Hayden. Mostly due to my own laziness. It's quite a bit of work and I just need to suck it up and do it. Hayden's potty skills are limited to cheering me on when I'm in the bathroom - which is really quite weird. I've never had an audience, let alone a cheering one. "Yay mommy!" I guess I can find success in the little things - like going to the bathroom!!

My mom's coming into town today, so I'm sure my "online" time will be even more limited. So blogging might take a back seat to visiting.

But I'm most excited these days about my new desk! We have an office in our upstairs loft, but it's not really accessible to me during the daytime. Corbin is now able to climb stairs but still has no concept of gravity, so me being upstairs isn't an option. I've been confined to the laptop on the counter and my piles of books/journals/calendar just floats around wherever I go - which has been getting annoying. So I asked Mark to get me a desk for the utility room downstairs where I can keep my stuff and laptop. Utility room has a view not only of the whole living area downstairs, but a window so I can keep an eye on Hayden's shenanigans in the back yard.

I'll have to take a pic of it when I get a chance. It will also be nice to have the camera docking station permanently placed so I don't have to keep setting it up every time I want to upload a picture. Which means more pictures for you bloggy friends!! Yay!

Okay, I think I have to stop writing now because Hayden just passed me a toy, and yeah it's covered in jelly. STICKINESS ACK!!

Going All In

You starting walking down this path, and suddenly you can't see where you came from. That's kind of what I feel like right now.

Stepping out of everything I once clung to desperately. Wrapping my head around realizing the ultimate lie. It's so ingrained that you don't even question it. And when you do start to question it, it's kind of like you move away from every thing and everyone. No longer chasing it, yet fighting it at the same time.

Wanting to shout it to the world, but almost not believing it myself. Watching everything I valued turn worthless. That's the scary part. Your system of value and worth are pulverized - but only to you, the world keeps spinning its web.

Seeing the things your once cherished and obsessed over become vanity, distractions. I love writing this blog. But it became clear to me that I need to protect myself from the inherent narcissism that can attach itself to blogging. Living for the readers, comments and approval. Hence, I've turned off comments. Not like anyone was commenting as of late anyway, so no loss there. But it one less distraction in my life.

Like the title says, it's just me right now.

I'm picking apart the ultimate lie - that living for your own desires and needs bring satisfaction, happiness, or even contentment - and replacing it with the truth - Glorifying God is the only thing that will bring me satisfaction. I never "got" this. It was always church-speak to me. Yeah, yeah, glorify God, whatever that means. Won't I be satisfied with a nice house, some money in the savings and the well-behaved kids and thoughtful husband? No? Why not? It's everything I WANT.

What? What I want won't bring me satisfaction? I don't get it.

It's kind of like a law...no it is a law. God's law. Kind of like gravity. I may want to fly, but gravity keeps me firmly planted on the ground. But every year I seem to get closer to my "perfect" picture of life, and guess what I'm finding? I'm still not satisfied. Uh. Oops. Maybe there's something to this glorifying God stuff. Yeah, maybe.

So I guess this is the point where I go "all in" or keep chasing my tail in circles. Almost content. Almost satisfied. If we could just have this, or do this, or be this...

I go all in. I refuse to live a purposeless life. I refuse to make the goal of my life having a pile of junk that someone else has to toss when I die or a collection of pleasure seeking memories or a never-ending quest for that last desire to fulfill my satisfaction. There's something more out there.

Sunday Evening Walks

Sun is setting. Dinner is done. Kids are restless. Temperature is cooling.

Time for a walk.

Kids ride. Hubby and I talk.

Collection of sticks develop. Several stops for stick retrieval ensue.

Walk ends. Babies to bed. Hubby and I enjoy some movies and TV. It's a sweet life.

Game Day!!!

First Saturday of ND Football season - the boys are ready to cheer for Daddy's team!!!

I'm thinking Saturday's in Fall are going to take on a certain tradition - wearing their ND jerseys will be one constant (considering we bought all sizes from 12m-4T). I'm sure other traditions will evolve over time.

I'm sure a little "football practice" out in the backyard will soon be added. HA! It's kind of exciting to know that Mark and I are setting the foundations for the memories and traditions the boys will have from childhood. Give me a little more energy on a Saturday morning for doing things like making some good game day foods.

Off to Rehab

That title got your attention didn't it?

Okay, no I don't have some secret addiction, maybe the term physical therapy might sound better.

Today I finally headed to the doctor about my back issue since my stash of muscle relaxers and pain meds from my ER visit was starting to run low. I squeezed every last drop out of them, making a 3 day supply last over 4 months, but alas the supply was gone.

Knowing full well I couldn't handle another episode without relief, I HAD to head to the doctor. I thankfully got more meds, BUT with the order to head to the sports injury rehab clinic next door. I guess you could call motherhood a sport.

My first appointment is tomorrow - we'll see how it goes.

A Mother's "Quiet" Time

Out on the patio.

Children at my feet.

Corbin chewing on the corner of my bible.

That pretty much sums it up.