Sunday, September 6, 2009

Going All In

You starting walking down this path, and suddenly you can't see where you came from. That's kind of what I feel like right now.

Stepping out of everything I once clung to desperately. Wrapping my head around realizing the ultimate lie. It's so ingrained that you don't even question it. And when you do start to question it, it's kind of like you move away from every thing and everyone. No longer chasing it, yet fighting it at the same time.

Wanting to shout it to the world, but almost not believing it myself. Watching everything I valued turn worthless. That's the scary part. Your system of value and worth are pulverized - but only to you, the world keeps spinning its web.

Seeing the things your once cherished and obsessed over become vanity, distractions. I love writing this blog. But it became clear to me that I need to protect myself from the inherent narcissism that can attach itself to blogging. Living for the readers, comments and approval. Hence, I've turned off comments. Not like anyone was commenting as of late anyway, so no loss there. But it one less distraction in my life.

Like the title says, it's just me right now.

I'm picking apart the ultimate lie - that living for your own desires and needs bring satisfaction, happiness, or even contentment - and replacing it with the truth - Glorifying God is the only thing that will bring me satisfaction. I never "got" this. It was always church-speak to me. Yeah, yeah, glorify God, whatever that means. Won't I be satisfied with a nice house, some money in the savings and the well-behaved kids and thoughtful husband? No? Why not? It's everything I WANT.

What? What I want won't bring me satisfaction? I don't get it.

It's kind of like a it is a law. God's law. Kind of like gravity. I may want to fly, but gravity keeps me firmly planted on the ground. But every year I seem to get closer to my "perfect" picture of life, and guess what I'm finding? I'm still not satisfied. Uh. Oops. Maybe there's something to this glorifying God stuff. Yeah, maybe.

So I guess this is the point where I go "all in" or keep chasing my tail in circles. Almost content. Almost satisfied. If we could just have this, or do this, or be this...

I go all in. I refuse to live a purposeless life. I refuse to make the goal of my life having a pile of junk that someone else has to toss when I die or a collection of pleasure seeking memories or a never-ending quest for that last desire to fulfill my satisfaction. There's something more out there.

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