Thursday, April 23, 2009
It's midnight. Babies and hubby are in bed.
House is quiet accept for the radio, I like that.
I spent a little time straightening up for a couple friends coming in the morning.
I pulled out the tea bags and cleared the table for a little "girl talk" tomorrow.
My gathering of 7, has now dwindled to 3 I think, but that still sounds good - maybe even better.
Community group was good tonight. We're telling our stories. Real honesty about where we came from, and who we are.
I dread my turn. Not because I don't like "presenting" or talking in a group - cause I actually enjoy that - but just because my story is so ugly and unfinished. It's not ugly enough to be "inspirational", but just ugly enough to be, well, ugly. I guess we all have our junk.
Childhood junk. Insecurities. Heartbreaks. Betrayals. Lies. Disappointments. Confusion. Misunderstandings. Imperfect people.
Dredging it all up feels poisonous. I've buried it for my own protection. Some people say it's "healing" to talk about it. I think it embitters me. I remember things best forgotten. My mind has safely tucked away things I just can't handle. But for my group, I can unpack it. I can tell my story if asked. I've moved on from many parts of my story, but I suppose it makes me who I am.
I tried talking to my mom once about some stuff. She trivialized it. Or ignored it. Or defended it. So I packed it away. What's the use of remembering something that will never be validated, never acknowledged. Seems purely painful.
I can't think about these things right now, I'm visiting them next week and it will throw a cloud over the whole visit if I pull out these memories. Must pack it all back up. Stop thinking about it.
It will nice to get away from the computer for 2 weeks. I'm afraid to admit I might have a slight addiction to blogs and facebook. ACK! It will be a good detox for me. I might check in here and there, but hopefully no more than once a day. My parents computers are a lot slower.
I will definitely not be blogging during that time. I wouldn't want to leave any history of pages for them to stumble upon. What a mess that would be. I don't generally talk about family stuff on here, but I've mentioned stuff here and there.
But, I still have 5 days in the blogging world. I'm sure you'll get one or two more posts before I go!