Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Starting Back Up

Well after my brush with success, I've been slacking. So tomorrow marks my restart of the program. Just a wee bit tired of making food. Honestly, I'm lazy. Plus, our money for groceries is gone for this month - and damnit if I don't keep running out of ingredients. Why does eating healthy have to be so expensive?

Living on a budget certainly complicates things and simplifies them at the same time. Complicated, in that convenience purchases are out; simplified, in that you have less choices on what you can do and buy. This months budget is completely blown. Between birthdays, weddings, and our one date night in 6 months, we've spent way more than we earned.

Monday was date night!! Just Mark and I, no baby. It was great to just be alone, and be us. Not parents. What's wonderful, is that it still feels right. He still makes me laugh, I still love being with him. I hear some people say that when they're alone, they feel awkward. But it's not like that with us. We downed a few drinks at Halcyon, then went for wings at Daddy's. Nothing spectacular, but it was good just to be together and having fun. I hope we can try to do this more than twice a year. Because it's worth every minute.

This week has been interesting. I guess I just have low emotional days or something. For some reason yesterday was rough. I supposed I'm just tired of everyone's drama. I kind of wanted to lock my door and turn off my phone. Just be me. Just be calm. Just be quiet. No backbiting, no complaining, no making people feel ok, no more trying to be everything to everyone. Just me and the silence. Being a Mom takes its toll, which means sometimes I just don't have enough of me to go around. This week the drain has been with family. Mark's brother is getting married this weekend, and of course my mom is an ever present challenge - although our relationship is improving. I'm still getting over the need to win approval from her. Always trying to please everyone, that's my downfall. Trying to please everyone always turns into pleasing no one. Weird how that happens.

I just can't stretch the day out as much as I need. Honestly, there aren't enough hours in the day. Hayden requires almost constant attention at this age. Laundry and dishes continue to pile up. Friends and family need love and support. Mark needs love and support. Plants always need watering. Pets are getting no attention from me. Trying to help out with church. Struggling to make time for God and prayer in my life. Preparing healthy meals, working out 5 days a week. And all the details and little things in between.

Generally, I can do it. But every now and then, I sink. Yesterday was a sinking day. So distracted, so overwhelmed, not knowing which way to turn, basically...tired. So I sunk. But eventually I'll float back to the top. And that's where I am now. Somewhere between the bottom and above water. Hopefully, closer to the surface than the bottom.

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