Regaining My Peace

In a whirlwind of activity lately, I have felt this overwhelming sense of suffocation. Like I'm drowning in the responsibilities of motherhood, homemaking, and even being a supportive wife. Day snowballs into day and the TV stays on longer while my mind functions less. The end of the day I'm left with mental exhaustion and annoyance with the pace of life. The close of the night finds me unsatisfied with the days work and wishing for more time for X or Y. I find myself frustrated with my inability to keep my patience with Hayden or stay true to my eating habits. I'm wishing I'd have done this or that differently or reacted in a more positive way to some situation. I worry about the judgments or comparisons I find myself making with this or that person or family. I am discontent.

And then...I remember. It's funny how easy it is to forget something that can so utterly transform your spirit and your mind. Something that can renew you so completely. What can make those days magical instead of dreary, beautiful instead of drudgery. It's Him. It's God. Oh yeah, "Hi God. See I've been busy being miserable, so I kinda forgot about you. Oh yeah, I've been going to church on Sundays and such, but just out of duty, not to serve or love You. I've thought about praying and I send up an occasional prayer or two, but I've just been too busy wallowing in my own selfish pity to really sit down and talk to you. Cause, you know, I'm a new Mom and all, which means I'm WAY too busy for you - and frankly I don't think you can help me because it's supposed to be hard and difficult. If you helped me, then what would I complain about?"

So today I remembered. And I sat down and took 30 minutes - that I just KNEW Corbin would wake up and interrupt - and I talked to God. I told Him about how I have been worrying about Corbin's kidney, and Mark's MS, and Hayden's temper tantrums. I told Him about how I've been feeling not good enough and unmotivated. I told Him about all the things that have been bothering me. And then I thanked Him. I thanked Him for all the things that have gone right. For family, for friends, for a home to live in and food on our table. I thanked Him for each day and the beauty that really IS in every day. And then I read my Bible, so he could speak to me. And I read Philippians 4, and was reminded to not be anxious about anything and to think about lovely, true, noble things. And it happened. I felt peace. I felt ready to handle the day. Ready to deal with screaming toddlers or crying babies. Ready to mop the floors and cook the dinner. Ready to comfort friends and help out when they are in need. My strength and my peace are not from me, but from Him. And when I remember that, I am blessed.

And Corbin DID sleep for the whole 30 minutes. I'm sure God had a good laugh about my doubt on that one.