Motherhood: A Definition

Position: Mother
Salary: $0
Hours: 6am-9pm, on call 24/7

Requirements:

• Must be trained in the art of cooking. Knowledge of food preparation, storage, and presentation a must. Will also need to guard stove top, pots and pans, knives, and breakable dishes from the "customer" you are cooking for. No appreciation, thanks, or compliments will be given for efforts.
• Must have working knowledge of nutrition. Each meal must meet the fruit, vegetable, dairy, meet, grains, vitamin, and mineral requirements for your "customer".
• Efficient housekeeping techniques are needed. Must be able to vacuum while being followed around; sweep with someone walking through your dirt piles and stealing your broom; clean tubs and toilets without allowing your "customer" to drink unsanitary or poisonous liquids; do laundry while someone clicks the light switch for the dryer off and on; and dusting is optional.
• General knowledge of childhood development. Including, but not limited to speech, social skills, gross motor, fine motor, and physical development.
• Medical training preferred. Must memorize medicinal dosing per pound; understand complex medical conditions; administer daily medications; and any other health related needs.
  
• Must have previous experience in event coordination. Tasks include, but are not limited to designing toddler parties without toy sharing problems, finding locations suitable for 2 year old play, party decor and treat bag coordination, invitations, and scheduling.
• In depth knowledge of the child psyche. Tasks may include soothing, dealing with tantrums, persuasion techniques, and anger management.
• Previous experience with personal assisting. Goldfish, and sippy cup must be on your person at all times and ready for retrieval at a moments notice. You will keep records of all doctor and playdate appointments. You will serve each meal of the day and may possibly have to return for more desirable food if deemed necessary.
• Professional singing training a plus. At any moment you may need to burst out into the Alphabet song or Elmo's La la la la song to calm a situation.
  
• Teaching certificate preferred. You will be instructing your "customer" how to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, talk, eat, behave, patience, kindness, table manners, morals, faith, and anything else deemed necessary to live.

Additional skills or duties:

• At any time this list may change or be added to without notice or explanation.

Bonuses/Rewards:

• Immense joy
• Endless laughs
• Intense love