Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A View From a Whale

Here's a day in the life of a whale, uh, I mean, pregnant woman...

"Sleeping"

1. Nights are spent on the couch where the whale can get plenty of cold air both from the extreme air conditioning and fan blowing on her 24/7.

2. Sleep positions for the whale are limited to left side and right side with a pillow in between her legs. The pillow is mostly so her prickly hairy legs do not touch each other. And I just shaved like 2 days ago.

3. Getting from one sleep position to the next requires whale acrobatics. The whale must somehow lift her butt up while simultaneously rolling her round belly to the desired side. She must also try to keep her legs together and parallel in order to avoid mind-numbing pelvic pains.

4. If whale's baby (Corbin) disapproves of her new position he will kick her until she moves again.

5. Five minutes after finding a comfortable position the whale must get up and go to the bathroom. This requires some form of rolling off the couch while ignoring afore mentioned pelvic pains. She must be sure not so stand completely up in order to avoid peeing on herself.

6. The whale pees about a 1/2 an ounce. She then spends a few minutes wishing she had longer arms...

7. Whale positioning starts all over again. Another bathroom trip may be needed.

8. Crap it's morning - toddler is banging on his gate to come out.

"Eating"

1. The whale must make food decisions wisely. Although she "could" eat everything in the fridge, she must stay aware at all times. Spicy food leads to flame breathing indigestion put out only by the fire extinguisher which unfortunately is toxic. Eating too much food also leads to flames. Not eating also leads to flames. Flames are now just apart of the whole eating process.

2. If the whale does find something tolerable to eat, the whales offspring (Hayden) generally also finds the food desirable and eats at least half of it.

3. The whale generally eats the food while her offspring (Hayden) uses her as a jungle gym while saying "yum yum yum yum". Luckily the whale has perfected the art of plate balancing. She still needs to work on drink balancing, as her offspring (Hayden) enjoys running up to her and throwing himself on her cup. There's nothing like being covered in Tang. If the offspring (Hayden) gets a "taste test" of the whale's food and doesn't like it, spitting it back out on her is acceptable.

4. Any food that requires more than two steps of preparation is unacceptable.

"Computer time"

1. The laptop does not actually fit in the "lap" of a whale. In fact, whales do not have "laps", they have knees and lower legs. Therefore the laptop must sit in a delicate balance on the arm of the couch.

2. The whale's offspring (Hayden) enjoys playing the "where does this go" game with the laptop. This is played by the offspring (Hayden) finding random plugs, like her phone charger, and trying to plug them into the USB ports on the back of the laptop. Another favorite game is "what does this button do?", in which her offspring (Hayden) presses the power button repeatedly, or presses the CD eject button while she is burning a CD.

3. The whale's offspring (Hayden) loves typing on the laptop while she is trying to blog or email. This often results in the entire blog or email getting erased.

Contact

The whale can often be sighted sitting on the couch, fanning herself, while watching Disney movies with her offspring (Hayden). If you see her be on alert, approach slowly, and offer her donuts.

8 comments:

AndreAnna said...

This is too funny because it is so true! Hang in there!

Robyn said...

Does that ever sound familiar... especially the peeing 1/2 an ounce. It was so exciting to be able to have a full bladder again! How pathetic is that?

Just Me said...

But at least I can always pee on demand! Comes in handy for the prenatal appt. I generally only need 1/2 oz anyway. Woot.

Jendawg said...

This is crazy! I need to come see you. :)

Dan said...

you are scaring me...

Dan said...

That is wierd, why does it say Dan?? I must somehow be signed in somehow as my husband. Wierd. He would probably find this a scary thought too though. The things to look forward too, lol.

It All Started With a Kiss said...

These are so true! My offspring like to eat 1/2 of my meal or snack too. You'd think I'd lose my weight quicker because of it. But no.

LeftyMama said...

I can relate to every bit of the toddler stuff; thankfully, not the preggo stuff ;o)

Just a few more days to go, girl!