Another Day, No More Dollars

So I'd love to report that today was a cheery wonderful day, to make up for yesterday...but hmmm. All I can say is:

#1 Hayden's fever seems to be mostly gone
#2 Hayden didn't have a meltdown at the Dr. office


So I did get my prescription refilled, yay! Of course the appointment was just like every other appt. Yup, still have allergies. Yup, still taking medicine. Nope, not able to do the immunology yet. Ok see you next year. Argh! But I got my medicine, so whatever.

Hayden is testing his boundaries more and more. His reaction to my saying "No No" is now ...aaaaagh (roll around on the floor) followed by more crying. Do they make Mommy earplugs? I think I need some. He's also discovered the stairs, I guess that means I need a baby gate now. Everytime I turn my back he's like halfway up the stairs and laughing at me. Quick little bugger.

He had a slight meltdown on our walk today...argh. But a little time at the playground fixed that. I am becoming more and more aware that he is a little person with BIG wants. Unfortunately, he can't have everything he wants, which always leads us to major fussing and some tantrums. Something I dread dealing with at my Mom's. Both her and my grandma have this zero tolerance on tantrums. Ok, seriously, he's 13 months old. He understands like 4 words: Hayden, No, Touchdown, and Yay. How do I explain to him that his tantrums are undesirable using those words? And I don't thinking beating the poor kid will get the point across either. He doesn't understand spankings or other physical stuff. He's a baby!!! So this should be fun. I'll get "the look"...like my kid is out of control and it's obvious I don't know how to discipline him. Yeah, I'd like to take a look back at them when they were doing this. I'm sure they didn't have perfect kids either. And if they did, that had nothing to do with them.

So yeah, let's hope he stays relatively happy at Grandma and Grandpa's. This is probably my last blog until after the new year, so Merry Christmas!!!

Bottomed Out

Argh! These hormones. Yay for pregnancy moods. Or uh, not. So, maybe it's just me, but now that I'm a Mom I have certain rules for outings with Hayden.

#1 That I know in advance that I will have Hayden with me for said hours and where we will be.

#2 Uh, well really there is just one rule.

Tonight that sacred rule was broken. Community group is usually mommy's 2 hour break from Hayden. I get to relax, sit down, have real conversations, and maybe even eat! Childcare is at a different location and so is the stress of wondering if you're kid is driving the babysitters nuts.

Tonight was our community group xmas party. I assume (since I wasn't told otherwise) that like usual there would be childcare. Uh, no. No???? But, but...I have to pysch myself up for spending 2 hours supervising a toddler in someone else's un-baby-friendly house. I need rest. I need crackers. I need juice. I need a million things. I need to have my mind trained on the fact that I will not have fun. That it will be exhausting. That it will be tiring. And that will be ok.

But when you start the night giddy that you will actually get some social interaction and food alone, and that illusion is stolen from you...mental breakdown.

I took a deep breath and a disappointed sigh. I chased Hayden around the house. I followed him up the stairs. I stopped him from falling down the stairs. I scolded him for tearing down all the magnets off the refrigerator door. I stopped him from knocking over wine glasses. I dealt with his temper tantrums. I fed him animal crackers (thank God for whoever brought those). I stopped him from terrorizing the cat. I handed him off to adoring strangers so I could gulp down food. I still don't know what I ate, but apparently my stomach didn't like it.

I waited impatiently for the white elephant gift exchange to finish so I could GET OUT OF THERE. At one point, before some nice guy helped me with Hayden, I went outside. I was at my edge. I actually thought I might cry. Eating dinner was not even an option. Hayden was fussy. The house was hot. We stood out there for 10 minutes, pretending to look at the lights. Or rather, I'm sure Hayden was looking, I on the other hand, could care less. Then, as if an angel had been sent down, when I went back inside, this nice guy (who has 5 grandkids and 7 kids) offered to play with Hayden for me while I got some food. I couldn't believe it. I kept looking over guiltily, wondering if he was tired of my cranky kid yet. But he wasn't. And Hayden was loving him.

Days like these just take all the steam out of me. Hayden's been cranky for a few days. He's had a fever 2 days in a row now. No congestion or other symptoms, which makes me think it's related to the 2 new molars he's getting. He's also dug a hole into his leg because of itching from eczema. I had to buy large bandaids and wrap it in gauze to keep him from making it any worse. And I don't know whether it's because he doesn't feel good or what, but he's been super clingy. He can't stand it when I do dishes, or walk around the house cleaning. He just wants me to sit down with him. Oh and he tried to eat a rock this morning. Luckily, it must have tasted bad because he spit it out. So basically my day is him whining at me. On the way home in the car (or really every car ride for the last 2 days) is him randomly screaming at me. This time I screamed back. He seemed to like that.

Oh and I got a new church project to do...you know, since I don't work, I must have plenty of time to call over 100 churches and ask them an 8 question survey. And since churches are pretty much open 8-5, the working folks can't do it. Yeah, I'm sure Hayden will let me just sit there and talk on the phone for an hour or two a day. Or wait, no...I'm pretty sure he won't. Oh, ok, so that means I must do this project during the 1-2 hours he naps a day. Yay for me, there goes my free time. I guess the whole world thinks "Stay at home Mom" = do nothing. Or maybe I need like 2 or 3 more rugrats to appear busy, cause one kid's easy! Insert snort here. Maybe if I was a seasoned mother pro with 3 or 4 kids, one kid would be easy. But damnit people...it's obvious I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done this before. So everything is hard. Mostly because I do it wrong the first 12 times. I'm not used to being whined at 24 hours a day. I'm not used to caring a 22 lb baby around. I'm not used to chasing after a little Tasmanian devil. You have to work up to that! That's why those mom's are so good...they have a bunch of kids and have been doing this for years. Me? 13 months people!!! And I was half awake the first 5, so I don't think those count.

Argh!!! Ok, I know this must sound depressing to those w/o kids. So here's my disclaimer: Yay kids. Kids are great. Kids are cute. I love my munchkin. I love his smile. I love his cute little hands. I love his laugh. I love watching him discover new things. I love it when he says "mommmmmma" even if that doesn't mean me. I love how he lights up when he sees me. In the morning I sometimes get excited to go wake him up, just so I can see him. I miss him terribly when I'm gone. I love how he wrinkles his little nose. And if anything happened to him, I think I would just shrivel up into a little ball.

All that said, I'm still exhausted and hormonal. I still feel totally stressed out. And yay for me, I've got an 8:15 Dr. appt.

Nite.

Stroke of Midnight

Okay so it's midnight, aka "Quittin' Time". Here are my accomplishments...

The Dining Room Before:




The Dining Room After:



The Living Room Before:




Living Room After:

And that's what has been accomplished today. Tomorrow? Oh there's always plenty to do tomorrow.

1. Buy food for Bunco
2. Make food for Bunco
3. Clean off kitchen counters to make room for Bunco food
4. Put all of Hayden's crap away in his room
5. Finish Laundry
6. Vacuum
7. Sweep/Mop
8. Clean Bathrooms
9. Pick up our room
10. Dishes

I hope that's it.

Staying Calm...Unsuccessfully

Okay, way to much to do and no time or energy to do it. I don't know what I will actually finish or what this house will look like when 11 ladies arrive to play Bunco tomorrow. Right now, I'm procrastinating and I'm hungry. There is no convenience food in this house. Everything is a long drawn out meal that needs to be cooked. If I actually make some progress tonight (which I MUST do) I will post pics of my success.

I'm also freaking out because we leave for KY on Friday and I'm almost out of allergy meds. I call to get my prescription filled (which is slightly out of date) and they tell me the doctor refused. WHAT??? Argh, now I'm going to have to call this stupid guy. It's probably his ploy to get me to come in for another appt. I was just there in freakin March. How many allergy appts do I need? But I NEED this stuff before I leave. AGH! Why cause me this extra stress? Another "to-do" on an already overflowing list.

I am tired. I got a total of 5 hours of sleep last night and would appreciate some more. Yet hours of cleaning await me. My butt does not want to leave this chair. Not without some dinner. HAHA. I need a dinner fairy. ;)

Ok, enough procrastinating. I must work. Ugh.

Time is running short

Well good morning all! It's amazing how much better my mood is when I don't turn the TV on at all. Typically the morning starts with me eating (or uh sharing with hayden) my breakfast while watching whatever lousy morning show is on. Honestly, I couldn't care a rip about most of the crap they talk about. And some of it is just ridiculous. A recent dialog on a morning show:

Dumb lady: "I have faith in myself"

Other lady: "Isn't that hard though? I mean, as people we are imperfect. We let ourselves and others down"

Dumb lady: "I have faith in my imperfections".

Huh? What the heck does that mean? Argh, I swear I can't relate to these people.

But today, I didn't rot my mind with their mindless dribble and I'm much happier for it. I've got the music playing (xmas of course) and the tea seeping on the stove. The weather is nice and cold, which makes me feel like it really is December. These 80 degree days in December are just freaky.

Parents beware, the M&Ms Christmas commercial may cause uncontrollable crying in your toddler. You know the one, "They DO exist!" and both Santa and the red M&M pass out. Somehow this is on the same level as a horror flick for Hayden. As soon as he sees it he begins to cry like he's been slapped by Santa or something. And it's not a fluke, all four times it has happen to show before I can change the channel, he's cried. My poor sensitive baby. My only wonder is...which part is the scary part? Hmmmm...maybe he doesn't like Santa.

I'm sure you are all waiting impatiently to hear what I did for my grandmother. That same day I developed a ton of Hayden pics, stuffed as many as I could fit into a photo album, wrote a nice letter and shipped off a package to her. There! I did my duty.

I guess I should embellish a bit on this story. From your comments, I think you all might be thinking of her as this poor little old lady, knitting and drinking tea, anxiously awaiting letters from me. Sorry to disappoint, but that is not quite the case. Unfortunately, both my grandparents on that side were alcoholics. I have a lot of memories at their house, playing with my cousin, but very few of them! Ha. Mostly because they were probably passed out somewhere. My cousin and I (who were like 5 at the time), made our own breakfast and pretty much did whatever we wanted as long as we didn't make noise. Every memory of my grandfather is him plastered to the living room recliner. He even slept there with the static of the TV as background noise. One time my cousin and I flooded the entire backyard (we left the water on after playing "mud wrestling" with his action figures) and no one ever noticed. Mostly cause I don't think I ever saw them leave the house. She was a horrible pack rat too. Newspapers stacked to the ceiling and stuff like that. I remember one time I was all upset because she was acting mean for no reason. My cousin took me into the bedroom, shut the door, and explained to me (at 5 years old no less) that she was drunk. I didn't even know what that meant. And the fact that he did at 5 yrs was sad. I still think about him and how messed up his life was because of them and his alcoholic Dad he lived with. And I think about how messed up his Dad and my Dad were because of my grandparents. But I moved away at 6, so I haven't seen anyone since. Grandfather is dead now. So no, she's not a sweet little old lady who just wants to hear from her granddaughter.

Bleh. Enough of that. But that's, as they say, the rest of the story.

The Season of Half-Dones

This time in my life is definitely the seasons of half-dones. What does that mean? I have completed half of every project I start, but never finished. Maybe it's fatigue, maybe it's the baby, maybe I'm just lazy.

My Half-Dones:

1.) I have decorated half the tree...the top still needs to be finished
2.) We decorated half the yard
3.) I did half the laundry and put up half of the clothes I did do
4.) I have purchased about half of our xmas gifts this year
5.) I completed half the work of xmas cards. I made the cards, now I just need to address and send them
6.) I vacuumed half the living room today
7.) I uploaded half the pictures I need to print for my grandmother

I'm sure there's more. Plus all the projects that are less than half done or not even started!!! Ack.

Ah, this is the season for busyness.

Anyway, interesting stuff on my mind despite all the crap I haven't done. I got a card from my grandmother this weekend. The dreaded card. This is not the grandmother I know and love, but my biological Dad's mom who I haven't seen since I was, oh, 6. Nevertheless, she never misses a birthday or Christmas and always includes a little check and stories of how the family is doing. I do my best to reply and say thanks, but I admit I'm not good at it, and often forget. I just don't know her and I'm not sure what to say. This year I get the card and instantly my guilt factor rises. I know I should write her more, I don't even remember if I said thanks last year. Plus she always includes great nuggets of guilt, like I'd like to hear from you, or I'm not doing well, etc. I'm sure this card is like the other 20 I've gotten over the years. Lots of detail on how the family (who I don't know) is doing and a small check for the bday. I open the card and it's 2 lines, no check.

I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I never cared about the check, it's usually like 10 bucks, and the details always made me feel guilty or clueless. But somehow I felt like I had been given up on. And to know that your grandmother, even one you don't know, gave up on you, well I guess that hurts.

Now I'm in make-up mode and am putting together a photo album for her of the kiddo. I dunno why, but maybe it'll make me feel better.

Whatever. Just one of those great parts of having such a jacked up family. Yay!

The Magical Elf

Why are the holidays so hectic? Isn't this the time of year we enjoy? I have now come to realize that the holidays will forever be a different beast.

Thinking of holidays growing up brings memories of yummy cookies, good dinners, decorated trees, holiday music and such. Yet now I know the truth...someone has to cook all those holiday cookies, fix the dinner, dig through the garage to pull the tree out, search through ten different boxes for the ornaments, freeze their butts off in the cold testing out the lights on reindeer, while simultaneously taking care of the munchkin and the house, oh and some laundry. Crap!! Who is this magical elf that comes to my house to do all of this much needed holiday work? Oh yeah...me!

Well, crap again.

Pregnant + running after a 1 year old all day = tired as hell.

So somewhere I need to find some energy, because there's way too much to do.

My List:

1. Laundry
2. Dishes..a lot of dishes
3. Picking up the living room so I can put a tree up
4. Cleaning my room!!! A skill I never did acquire, even in adulthood.
5. Christmas cards...the ambitious me wants to do a family photo...HA
6. Putting up the tree
7. Wrapping presents
8. Finish xmas shopping
9. Hayden needs a bath
10. Cook dinner
11. Put up outside decorations
12. Vacuum
13. Mop!!! My floors are gross. 1 year old who loves crackers...what a mess
14. Bake cookies!! Okay, i'm dreaming there
15. Work on some craft gifts I wanted to do
16.Upload digital key chains with pics of Hayden for the grandparents
17. Clean the bathrooms...ugh
18. Oh, this list could go on forever....


Anyway, that's a quick glimpse. Basically, enough work to keep me busy for the next 3 months...except it all needs to be done ASAP and before December 18th really.

So I guess I should stop blogging and start working.

The Most Beautiful Moments

Have I ever mentioned the greatest moment of my life? It was the day Hayden was born.

Great moment #1: Sitting in the tub holding my son, looking into his beautiful eyes less then a minute after he was born while laying in the arms of my husband.

Great moment #2: Having our family there to share the experience.

Great moment #3: The look on Mark's brothers faces when they held Hayden for the first time.

And, drum roll please......we get to have that experience again!! Yes, you read correctly. Mark and I are expecting another baby on July 3rd.

A lot of emotions are mixed up in that statement. Excitement, because after all, this was planned. But also, fear!! Two babies?! Two wonderful children to love? I hope your heart expands when you have another child. I can't even imagine it at this point. I've poured so much love into Hayden, I don't have a clue how it will be to love two. But, nevertheless, this new munchkin is coming, so stay tuned!!!

Fall: The Busiest Time of the Year

Honestly, why is Fall such a busy time of year? It seems the rest of the year we sit twiddling our thumbs looking for something to occupy us, but as soon as September rolls around we're running around like crazed chickens? And this running around continues until about January 2nd. Four months of madness and then nothing.

Trust me, I haven't overlooked the fact that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas occur during this time. But why is it we don't have giant celebrations and anticipation for lesser loved holidays like...Memorial Day? Or President's Day? Or even St. Patrick's day? If we can get all jazzed about Pilgrims and turkey, why not leprechauns and green beer? Why is it the "holiday feeling" doesn't extended to these other days?

So yes, the mad rush of decorating, carving pumpkins, and picking out Halloween costumes has hit me too. Therefore, this is only my second post this month. This morning we dressed Hayden up in his two Halloween costumes. He was adorable. I think my favorite is the Tigger costume though. http://www.flickr.com/photos/missyyvonne

He's such a cutie. Becoming a mom has changed a lot of things about me:

1. I no longer care about what my costume is for Halloween, now my sole concern is the adorableness of my munchkins' costume.
2. I have less patience with adults and more patience with children.
3. I don't waste a second of my time - even to sleep late.
4. I laugh more and worry about stupid stuff less.
5. I have stretchmarks...HA! I had to throw that one in there.

So, in the midst of all the holiday bustle, our family came down with a stomach virus this weekend. Both Hayden and I had a lovely night of vomiting. We are still recovering. I think I'm at about 85% Health and I'd probably put Hayden around the same. I'm just hoping we don't pass this to Mark. So yesterday I bought lots of disinfectants and started spraying down our germ farm (also known as our house). I did all of Hayden's laundry (which believe me, if you've ever had a sick baby you know that's alot), changed sheets, sprayed down the changing table, etc. I still have lots of disinfecting to do...I just need to gather up enough energy to continue.

On more enjoyable fronts, the weather here has been awesome!!! We finally had some cool weather yesterday. This made me realize 2 things: 1.) I have missed cold weather 2.) Hayden has very few cold weather clothes. So Momma needs to do some shopping!! I really need to get him a winter cap that can cover his ears from the wind. Yesterday was so windy I had to cover his head with a blanket, which he kept pulling off - he thought it was a game. The only hats I have that still fit him are caps - which are useless against cold and wind. Plus, he could use some warmer PJs. The list goes on.

So in honor of our cold weather, I thought a sourdough bread bowl with warm creamy soup was in order! I made the most delicious Broccoli Cheese Soup yesterday and it was very simple. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know. Wow! My only regret was that I couldn't find sourdough bread in the smaller sizes, so I had an XXXL bread bowl that I couldn't finish. =( I hated wasting any of that yummy bread, so I stuffed myself as much as I could. Haha.

Tonight I'm hoping to carve our pumpkin if Mark gets home early enough. I carved a pumpkin last week so I could toast pumpkin seeds (another great recipe if you want it), but alas, the pumpkin did not survive our hot Texas weather that week. But now...I think it might have a chance. I did just a regular jack-o-lantern last time, maybe I'll get fancy tonight - who knows?

A Day at Home

I feel like I've found something that I lost. Not an object, but a person. When you've resigned yourself that something is gone forever, that it will never return, and then suddenly it does - well, it's almost...there really are no words for it.

But part of me doesn't dare expect this will be permanent. I wouldn't want to lose them again, knowing I had them back for a moment. That would be just too hard.

I hate happy times...it usually means bad times are just around the corner. I don't trust happiness. Terribly pessimistic, I know, but honestly - that's life.

Anyway...

It feels good to be at home after such a long week. Sick baby and plane rides = Hell.

This is actually my first full day at home though. Haha. I've been busy running here and there - but today I'm taking a break. Partially because I'm getting sick. But I need an at-home day. I still have one suitcase waiting to be unpacked. Half the laundry is done. Half the dishes are done. I need to make bread for Bridgepoint. I need to get dressed. HA!

When I was a little girl, my great-aunt Barbara would make cookies. Lots and lots of cookies. She would get one of those giant coat boxes from the department stores and fill it with dozens of cookies, any kind of cookie you could think of. My favorites were the Lemon Poppy Seed cookies. For years, I've wanted to taste those cookies again. She finally passed away last October after a 7 year battle with cancer. So her delicious cookies have not been enjoyed for many years. It was her Christmas gift every year - her wonderful cookies.

So when my Grandma asked me if I wanted anything, my first thought was her recipes. I dare not ask for the originals, for to me those were as priceless as diamonds. In my opinion, her recipes were the very essence of her memory. So I asked for copies of her recipes. Much to my surprise, my Grandma said, "I'll just send you her recipes". So I received one medium sized box filled with every cookbook, recipe card, and clipping she had. Wow. It was unbelievable to me how I, her great-grandniece, ended up with such a valuable piece of her memory. And how anyone could not want this.

So yesterday, I pulled out the Lemon Poppy Seed Shortbread recipe and made it. Unfortunately, although the cookies were reminiscent of her delicious creations - they were merely what they were - a copy. They were not as big, or as fluffy, or as yummy as she made them. There is a piece of the world that is gone forever. That can never be duplicated or replaced. She made an imprint here, she made an imprint on me that I will never forget.

Disconnected

When I was in elementary school, I hated missing a school day. I always felt like I had been left out or behind in some way that could never be recovered. Not educationally of course, but socially.

Going on a trip has that same feeling. That disconnected, left behind feeling. Quitting work was like that too. Maybe even a little harder. When you leave your work you see how "replaceable" you really are. How the world could swallow you whole and move on without you. How insignificant you really are. That one day you will die, and the world will continue to be. Life will continue, sunrise, sunset, friends, family, all will go on without you.

I was scared of death at one time. So much so I couldn't really think about it. What was death? What if you just stopped "being"? It would make my stomach drop.

In this little town, where everyone knows everyone else, death is an everyday occurance. My parents have been to 6 funerals this year. Their neighbor, 2 houses down, was found dead at home. She was in her 40's. Another neighbor that lived a few hundred feet down from their farm, shot himself. My Aunt's good friend, a name I'd heard so many times over the years, just died of cancer. A good friend of my cousin's, like a grandfather to her, geez my parents street is named after him, died 2 days ago. Death is everywhere here. I'd advise against drinking the water or breathing the air. It reminds you that death is real. Not some far away thing that happens to someone else. But something that will find you eventually.

...Morbid...sorry.

On a lighter note...Hayden is continuing to get better. Tomorrow is the last day of antibiotic. I'm coming home Saturday afternoon. It's fall!!! And I got a good night's sleep last night. I'm looking forward to my temperpedic mattress, this pull out couch is killing me. My neck is jacked. Tomorrow I'll have to round up all of our crap, I'm sure I'll leave something behind, I always do. I can't wait to see my hubby!! 1 more day.

In a land far, far away

Some of you may know that I'm currently visiting my parents. This trip has been completely exhausting and although I'm not ready to say good-bye to the folks, I am ready to be back home. It all started with a 2 hour flight to Nashville. Which went pretty well I must say. Besides 20 minutes of total fidgeting by Hayden, the rest of the flight he slept. Yay!

After getting off the plane, we checked out the Nashville Zoo. It was nice. Hayden really liked the red panda. It came right up to him behind the glass and he got all giddy. So, of course, the grandparents made sure if left with a red panda stuffed animal. While we were there he started sneezing a little. I jinxed myself by saying, "No, he's alright. He sneezes all the time." Uh-huh. I mean he does. But apparently this time was different. We then headed to the Opry Mills mall to look for a replacement night light for Hayden. He has this aquarium light that burned out after 9 months of constant use. Well a million mall-walking miles later we left empty handed.

Then we had to get in the car and drive 2 hours back to my parents house. Hayden did well until the last hour or so. You haven't been tortured until you've sat in the back seat of a Buick trying to protect your hysterical, sleepy, cranky baby from the sun. Oh how I appreciate my tinted windows now. We get him home finally and he runs all over the house "discovering".

Last time I visited things were alot different. 1.) I was still breastfeeding 2.) Hayden wasn't completely sleeping through the night. So I thought this trip would be better. Last time Hayden and I slept in the same room. But that didn't go so well. I woke up more often than usual and I was sleep deprived for most of the trip. So this time I thought I'd play it smart and put him in the office next to my room. Right. He did not like the office. He did not like being alone. He did not like the dark. He did not want to go to sleep! So, under pressure from the folks, we squeezed his pack-n-play into my room. (Last time I slept in my parents room because there really is no place to put the pack-n-play in the spare room). And we both went to sleep. For about an hour. All in all, I think I was up about 4 or 5 times that night. Ugh. I woke up dead. Hayden woke up with a runny nose.

I'm so sleep deprived at this point I don't even remember what happened on Saturday...I'm pretty sure there was a Saturday, but as for what we did, I cannot say. Let's skip to that night. This time I decided, fine, I'll sleep on the couch. Lucky for me it's a pull-out. Not as comfortable as the bed I was supposed to sleep in, but since Hayden stole that room, it's this or be up all night. This time Hayden wakes up 3 times. Coffee, coffee, coffee.

Sunday was my Dad's birthday, so we had planned to go up to Cumberland Lake and eat dinner. Hayden still has his runny nose. The drive is pretty much me trying to keep the sun out of his eyes and him screaming the forty minutes. Finally, we arrive...an hour early - it doesn't open yet. But we had planned on doing the swings and playground stuff with Hayden. Hayden, of course, loved the swings and the nature, but his temperment was still fussy. My parents and I took turns during dinner walking him around outside. :( Then he screamed the whole way home. He also started coughing.

That night was horrible. He was up every 30 minutes. Crying, coughing, wheezing. His cold was alot worse. Next morning, we called one of the 3 doctors in this town to see if he could see us. He doesn't get in until 10am (he does hospital rounds before that) so we had to wait until then just to see if he WOULD see Hayden. Fortunately, he does accept him, plus he's an in-network doctor for our insurance. Yay. After a 2 hour wait, the verdict is: ear infection and bronchitis. He gets two prescriptions and we go home to rest. Poor baby.

But, that night he sleeps straight through. A deep sigh of relief for me. Not only for his health, but my own sanity. I needed some sleep.

And now, I hope, I pray that tonight is another straight through the night sleep. Cause, man, I just want to sleep. We come home Saturday. Hopefully, Hayden will be feeling alot better by then. He's already sounding better cough wise, and the runny nose has lessened alot.

On a positive note, Hayden has learned to wave bye-bye and has even said bye-bye 3 times while waving. He's also started saying mama. Of course it sounds like mmm mmm mmm ma. But that's his word for it. =D

Good Results

So some of you may have thought I forgot about the whole healthy, weight loss thing. But no, I didn't. As of today I've lost 8 more lbs. Woot. I got pretty busy with church and other stuff. But this month i recommitted to getting healthy. And I have a ton more energy. Which is crazy, I actually feel like going for a run. Not a statement I would have made over the passed few months. It's amazing how much nutrition affects every part of your life.

Once I lose the weight, I'll let you know how I did it. Till then you'll just have to wait! That's all for now.

My Favorite Time of Year

Memories...

1. Shopping with my Mom for new school clothes.
2. Organizing all my school supplies (the only time of year I was ever organized)
3. Getting all my text books for the year.
4. Freshman year on campus
5. Moving into the dorm for the first (and last) time
6. Football season
7. Marching Band
8. My first date with Mark - pizza with the saxes.
9. My first drink
10. My first party
11. Walking through the leaves on campus
12. Marching through the tunnel for the first time
13. Decorating our house for fall/halloween for the first time with Mark
14. Halloween parties
15. Halloween on sixth street
16. Baby shower

And now I've been bitten by the fall bug. I'm eagerly anticipating the change in the air, and they change in people. Little do we realize that our attitudes shift in a minute but distinct way. And that shift makes all the difference. I love the change the comes into my home. I love the smells and warm colors of fall.

Yes, Texas does have a more subtle change then most places, the temperatures do not drop, nor the leaves as they should, but it's still there.

And even if it's not, I'll make it there. I generally transform my environment into a fall wonderland of sorts. And I'm not shy about starting early. True, fall does not begin until the end of September, but in my mind the season begins as soon as school starts!

And that happened today!

So up go the fall leaf garlands. Out come the scarecrows, squash, and scented candles. Into the oven goes the pumpkin bread. Simmering in the pot is the cider. Fall has come into the Zavala house.

**Photo by Memotions

Martha Stewart Disaster Day

I do officially declare this Martha Stewart Disaster day. So, yesterday I was in the store and I saw these cute kits where you can sew you're own little baby book. All the pages are already printed, all you have to do is just sew the pages together with some batting, and voila! Yeah.

So 2 hours later, and I've given up for today. I have now sewn the pages together incorrectly TWICE, and have spent nearly an hour pulling out the stitches.

My mind was not made for following written directions. I neeeeeed pictures people. This whole "sew wrong side to right side, then right side to wrong side" talk just confuses me, obviously. So yes, I'm a sewing nightmare, my Grandma would be disappointed.

Sorry for the horrible lack of posting lately. I truly have been busy. And no, I'm not just saying that to sound cool or something. Like, "I'm oooooh, so busy". HA! Let's recap my last 7 days...

Saturday started with sorting 10,000 door hangers into piles of 200 with Merae. It ended with our new churches Charter service. Basically, we all sign a pretty piece of paper saying we're committed to the church, which then was put into a nice frame.

Sunday started at the crack of dawn, since our old church was spending part of their service time recognizing us (the new CrossRoads church) and we did a candle light ceremony. But HCBC (Hill Country Bible Church) likes to rehearse things, so we had to be there at 8:15 am. We did the ceremony for both services, so that wasn't over until 12. Then I rushed home to check on a sick baby (Mark stayed home with Hayden...such a good daddy). Then rushed over to River Oaks Elementary for our first unloading and setting up of the new church. Since we meet in an elementary school, we set up and tear down each Sunday. I worked on the nursery and assembling swings, bouncers, and exersaucers until 4, then we loaded it all back up. I then rushed back home to sick baby and tired daddy.

Monday was the first day of our Blitz week. I.e. letting the community in the area know about our new church with door hangers. Megan and I did that for 2 hours, then I came back home to get ready for Hayden's doctor's appointment. The doctor checked out his skin tag and informed us that to remove it would require surgery (scheduled for next Wednesday btw). Then since Hayden had some fluid in his ears, he wanted to do some auditory tests to check his hearing. Verdict: 9 month olds aren't interested in hearing tests. Ha. Monday night ended with me (and Hayden) going to the ministry leaders meeting. I'm not sure they appreciated the distraction he brought, but no one said anything. Hopefully, next time I can give Mark enough notice so he can watch him.

Tuesday was Hayden's 9 month checkup, all went well even though he was still a little sick. I went mall walking with a good friend and then Hayden and Samson (an adorable little one close to his age) played.

Wednesday was another Blitz day. That evening was community group (a bunch of friends getting together to hang out and talk about life, or maybe a book).

Thursday started with shopping. Our church wanted to do some gifts for the teachers of the school we meet in. Merae and I went to Garden Ridge, Hobby Lobby, Sam's, and Walmart. Then I painted 30 road runners on clay pots. (School mascot) . When that was over, I went to play softball.

Hayden coughed all night, so I took him to the doctor this morning - he was fine. Then off to lunch with Jenny.

All in all, a busy week - no time for chatting, email, or blogging. Hopefully, I'll have more time next week!!!

Enjoying the Good Life

Hello folks! Sorry my blogging has been sporadic lately, but it's true...I've been enjoying the good life.

New realization and freedoms this week, or really last week.

#1 I can enjoy my life

#2 I don't have to feel guilty about enjoying my life

I finally have what I've said I've always wanted. And somehow, I didn't think I could enjoy it. Our culture is always telling us that we aren't happy, can never be happy, and should always be looking to acquire the next skill or possession. You can never have enough money, beauty, or love. You need to feel appreciated, valued, and affirmed. You need to be pampered, indulged, and desired. You need to be busy, fast-paced, and in demand.

You know what I say to that...BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I have been set FREE. I can finally breathe. I have no boss to impress or try to make like me. I have no need or desire to yearn for. I have no debt or possession to obsess over. Finally, I can make that old line truth...It's not having what you want, it's about wanting what you've got." And that's such a real truth. You will never acquire enough stuff to satisfy that monster inside, that needs MORE. So let the monster out.

I can't believe I was still caught in the american nightmare...being miserable and wishing for something more. So many of us are miserable. I'll stand up and be one of them. And even after I got what I wanted, I still told myself that I was miserable. Now I needed something else. This wasn't good enough either. Everyone else was miserable, I should be to.

BUT, oops, I'm not miserable. And I'm not going to tell myself that I am anymore. I'm going to enjoy this life that God has given me and put it to good use. I'll enjoy all that He has made and blessed me with, and not obsess over what He hasn't.

So although I can't afford dinners out and fancy techno-gadgets, I can have so much more. I can have gardens, walks, swimming, and music. I can have family, game nights, and enjoying great friends.

And that's what I wish for all of my friends. If you are out there and you call yourself my friend, or hell even aquaintance, know this: I hope you are blessed with this gift of freedom, freedom to live your lives without the yoke of obsessions. I am truly blessed to have met each and every one of you, and you are all so special to me. So unique and gifted, and I am proud to call you my friends.

Oooooh, and on a completely different track, I found some unique, strange, and wacky games that I'm dying to set up a game night for. I'm bringing back game nights!!!!

Lemme know who's interested!!!

Not Meant to Be

Well, although nothing is official, it looks like I will not be taking the job after all. The fisrt person I talked with yesterday really had me interested and seemed like they would be willing to work with me on my desire to work from home. But today I talked to a second person and got the complete opposite impression. Once again I remembered all the reasons I had for quitting in the first place (besides having a baby). So I politely sent an email informing him that the terms we discussed today wouldn't work for me and thank you, but no thanks. It was kind of like quitting all over again, except this time it wasn't because I was having a baby, but because I truly didn't want to work there under those conditions.

Crazy how you can swing from one end of the spectrum to the other in just 24 hours. But that's my life.

I'm Baaaaaack!

Sorry folks, I took a blogging vacation. Even bloggers need rest. But I'm sure I have lots of interesting news and insights to offer now that I'm back.

Let's see, first for some big news. There is a possibility I might go back to work part-time. I'm still working out the terms, but we'll see. I did love my job - yes, I'm sad to say. I liked the people and sense of accomplishment I felt when I worked. I liked always learning new things, and being good at my job. And let's just say it, I liked the money.
So, if I get my terms, this job will definitely be a nice addition to my life. My terms are that I work at least half of the hours at home and obviously there are salary requirements. But I think I've worked out the details of caring for Hayden. I believe we've settled on finding a nanny to stay at the house with Hayden. At this age, socialization isn't really a factor - so a daycare isn't what he needs. He needs one-on-one attention and someone to just love him for the few hours I'm way.

In exchange, I'll get a mental break from child rearing, enjoyment from my job, and a little extra money for Hayden. With more money, I could do some of the fun things we could never afford now - like swim classes, or Gymboree. Or get a jogging stroller so I could train for the half-marathon I want to do. We could eat dinner out once a week. We could give more. And most of all Mommy will be sane. Which is always important.

I talked to two Moms who are living the part-time work/Mom role and they love it. They love the outlet they get by working a little, but the freedom they have to spend time with their kids. And I agree.

So Mark and I decided, that if the terms were right, we'd try it out. If it didn't work, eh, no loss. At least we'd tried. But I really do think it will work.

Okay, so that's the interesting news. Now for some insights and revelations...hmmm...I have decided to train for a half-marathon. With this training I hope to get in better shape. One of my big clutter problems is all the clothes I have that don't fit. Sizes ranging from 4 to ...(ok we're not saying) So here's my new deal. I will train for this marathon. And whatever size my body is at after the marathon is it. I will throw away all clothes smaller. And that will be that. No more, "maybe one day I could fit into that" talk. If I train for and successfully do a half-marathon then I must be in some kind of good shape, and that will be my healthy body. All other unreasonable expectations should be tossed out the window (along with the clothes that go with them).

So with that, I say good day!

Hell Week

Why is it that all the crap in my life piles on right as I'm at the peak of that emotional roller coaster called PMS???!!!!

Look people! I don't want to hear any bad news, sort of bad news, or news that could be construed as bad by a crazy, delusional person during this time. I'm just warning you now. The last week of the month is no good folks. Just go away and keep whatever it is you've gotta tell me until next week...when I'm sane.

And heaven help you if you're late, or otherwise make me have to wait for something like...food. Hunger and PMS don't go together.

Otherwise, you're gonna see the quick-tempered, "let me set this straight", "I don't want to deal with this crap" Melissa.

So to all those that have been trampled in my wake...Sorry!

I Won't Apologize

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
Wanna be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe

I refuse to apologize for who I am. I won't deny what I love. I won't hide who I live for.

This is who I AM. If there's anything you like about me, if there's one good thing I've ever done, know it all comes from Him, not me. The things that come from me are only self-serving. The things I've done I'm ashamed of. The thoughts in my head were all dark. The selfish part of me wants to tell you to go #$%^ yourself. The bitchy part of me wants to tell you off and dump you out of my life when times get rough. The immature me craves happiness and pleasure. And though these are me, they are not me. This is not who I am anymore.

This won't make sense to anyone. But it makes sense to me. Just something I had to lay out there. One of those days where a hole is ripped into your chest and your left standing there trying to hide your insecurities.

But I'm not hiding anymore.

In This Beautiful Place

I believe Monday must be "Realization Day". Cause I've had another.

For those of you who know me, you know I had a big life change last November. Namely, the birth of my son and end of my paid working days. And although I've been home with Hayden for 8 months now, I still haven't found that "groove". You know, the "groove", or when I was working, I believed I called it a "rut", haha. Basically, it's that point at which you have a routine, where you get comfortable with each day.

So today, I started thinking about my "groove", or lack there of. And suddenly, it dawned on me, I'm still living my life as if I'm working. I'm still trying to enjoy all the things that gave me pleasure while working, and ignoring the things that I now can get pleasure from.

When I was working, the only pleasurable things I had time for were: 1.) Eating out, usually dinner or lunch 2.) Happy hours 3.) Buying stuff

Three things that cost money. But I had money, time was what I lacked. Now, the opposite is true. But my head is still stuck on those 3 things. I just didn't notice until right now.

But I think awareness is key. So today, I found new pleasure in things I could never have enjoyed before.

I remember every day when I used to walk out to my car in the morning to go to work, I'd think. Wow, it's a beautiful day. I wish I could stay home and enjoy it. So today, for the first time in 8 months, I went for a morning walk with Hayden. And it was beautiful. We walked through the neighborhood and to the park, and while walking I realized that no one was waiting for me at home, no one was expecting me anywhere, no one needed me at that moment. This thought would have filled me with loneliness and fear before, but now there was this strange sense of peace. That at this moment there was only me, and God. The rest of the world just melted away. The busyness, the materialism, the greed, the constant quest for beauty. All gone.

I thought about all the places I've been. I thought about my grandmother, and her love of roses. The roses that would climb up the wall of her house when I was a little girl. I thought about the waterfalls in Hawaii. The moonlit walk Mark and I took one night on the Honolulu Beach. I remembered the smell of my grandpa's garage. I thought about all the things that make me, well, me. Funny, none of those things have to do with what I seem to obsess so much over, or what the world tells me is important.

Counting the Hours

When I was working, I always counted the hours until the end of the day, week, ect. I thought once I quit working that habit would stop. Every day would be the weekend!

...

HA

...

I find that I count the hours even more now that I am home. Except my count no longer has anything to do with me. I count the hours until Mark gets home. And no matter how hard or fast I work, I have no control over when this happens. I can just wait. Wait patiently.

And as I wait, my mind takes over, building up how his arrival will finally feel. What we'll do, say, how it will be. To have someone to talk to. To have someone to do something with. And not just any someone. Because there are plenty of someones out there I could spend time with. This Someone means the world to me. This Someone lights up my life. This Someone amazes me. This Someone makes me smile, makes me love, makes me forget that he'll ever leave my presence again.

But in this imperfect world, time is never spent like we want. There are chores to do, tiredness, mis communications, and children to take care of. But sometimes, just sometimes, the night turns into exactly what it should be. And I am happy once more.

So I wait patiently for that moment. I count the hours, I watch the clock, and hope tonight is that night, when we laugh, when we live, when we love.

A Sport for Everyone

Image from Vox Efx

Today I came out of my couch potato shell and tried something new. This is a big thing for me, because I NEVER try anything new. I'm one of those people who gets embarrassed when I can't do something well.

But a unique opportunity came up, and I actually acted on it. Let me set the scene:

15 (ok maybe 17) years ago...
I'm in elementary school, there's a girl in our class who reminds me a bit of myself, maybe even more clueless than I am. She begins talking about being on a softball team. I think, "Her? Playing sports? Heck, if she can do it, I can do it. I want to play softball too!"

I rush home to tell my parents my new decision. They seem to support it. The buy me a glove and a ball. My Dad teaches me to throw and catch in the front yard. I'm lovin' it. But hold on one second...my parents don't have the time to take me to practices and games. Softball is nixed.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years...
My cousin comes over. We're bored. She happens to have a glove because she DOES play softball. I dust off my old glove, we throw the ball back and forth. I get clocked in the chin. Ouch. No tears though, took it like the tough chick I am.

2 months ago...
A good friend of mine gets an idea to start a softball team in the city league. She mentions the idea to me. Inside I'm thinking, "Wow, that sounds so fun!" But then that little voice creeps into my head, reminding me that I've never played softball, and that I'd probably suck. I'm sure this team will have people who actually know how to play. I get some courage and say I'll join.

1 month ago...
I casually ask my friend if she got enough girls to join the team (you need 5). She informs me that we do. The little voice in my head says, "Great. This is the perfect opportunity for you to back out. They don't need you and now have plenty of REAL softball players. " I gracefully bow out of the team.

2 weeks ago...
My friend asks me if I wouldn't mind subbing for one of the girls that can't make it. I jump on the opportunity, knowing that in all honesty I do want to play. This seems like a "safe" way to play, but not be expected to be good or anything. After all, I'm helping out, they need 5 girls.

Last Sunday...
I go to the first practice. I'm late. I had pulled my old glove out of the garage. Uh oh. It doesn't fit anymore. I raced to Target to get a new one on the way there. They've already started. Nervousness sets in. My mind racing, "I suck, this will be embarrassing, I suck." One of the girls on the team quickly gets me integrated into the practice. I'm up to bat, I actually hit a few balls. I'm in outfield. Nothing too tragic happens. In fact, a lot of us are on the same level. I end the practice feeling good, I even join the team.

Tonight...
First game. I'm nervous. Although this is a novice league, what will the other team be like. Man I hope I don't mess up. I want to do well. Game is good. We don't win, but hey, the other team's been playing together for 4 years and we've only had 1 practice. I leave the game happy. Happy to have played. Happy to have stepped out of my shell and done something new.

It felt good

To the Sea

I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me through the mountains
Through the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

Lyrics from Crystal

One of my favorite songs, highly recommend Stevie Nicks Crystal - good stuff. Drowns out the whimpers of my munchkin who is fighting sleep in his swing next to me.

Sometimes I wish the outer me, matched the inner me. The inner me who is on fire, burning deeply, passionate. It's unfortunate that the word passionate has been so misused as of late. It's become cliché. Passion should be a deep burning desire that's screaming to get out. An ache at the core of who you are. Instead it's become a soap opera. Ugh.


Passion

NOUN:

1. Sexual hunger: amativeness, concupiscence, desire, eroticism, erotism, itch, libidinousness, lust, lustfulness, prurience, pruriency. See DESIRE, SEX. 2. A subject or activity that inspires lively interest: craze, enthusiasm, mania, rage. See CONCERN. 3. Passionate devotion to or interest in a cause or subject, for example: ardor, enthusiasm, fervor, fire, zeal, zealousness. See CONCERN, FEELINGS. 4. A strong, enthusiastic liking for something: love, love affair, romance. See LOVE. 5. The passionate affection and desire felt by lovers for each other: amorousness, fancy, love, romance. See LOVE, SEX. 6. Powerful, intense emotion: ardor, fervency, fervor, fire. See FEELINGS. 7. An angry outburst: fit2, huff, tantrum, temper. Informal : conniption, conniption fit. See FEELINGS.

**from Roget

Number 6 hits it.

Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

Yeah, passion. We've all got it. Some of us just have it buried so deep we're dead.

Confessions of a Lawnmower

So today I mowed the lawn. Mowing the lawn is an interesting activity 1.) because you can devise an interesting lawn mowing strategy and 2.) because you have lots of time to think.

Now, first, to get it out of the way, let's talk about lawn mowing strategy. Because you have to have one. Are you the left to right straight line mower guy? Are you the progressively smaller square mower guy? Or...are you me? The crazy 8's, triangles, oops I forgot a spot, oh yeah I have to mow the other side too, where did that grass come from, and my all-time favorite - I'll get that spot next time. Also, I tend to fall into the vacuuming strategy, which is good for carpet, but kind of useless for mowing. I.e. you don't mow back and forth over the same spot more than once, like you might while vacuuming. I do confess, I'm the worst lawn mower on the planet, next to maybe some rich celebutant. But, hey, I tried.

Ok, on to my lawn mowing thoughts. I was pre-blogging in my head, thinking about my lawn mowing experience. Honestly, I have interesting discussions with myself while mowing the yard. Many of them having to do with what a crappy lawn mower I am. Or if I was a bird and had the choice of either a.) keeping my wings and flying or b.) getting arms, but not be able to fly, which would I choose? Hard decision.

Or wouldn't it be awesome if we had a pool. A pool I could just dive right into after mowing. But, if we had a pool, would I let myself dive in all sweaty and dirty from mowing? Probably not. Then the thought morphed into, we should get one of those walmart pools or uh, adult lounges...as they call them on the package. I guess that's cause they're like 4 feet tall, but still. A pool is a pool. But then I'd have to clean a pool. How do you clean an "adult lounge"...? Would I have to like empty it every week and scrub it down? Then an image of a nasty plastic pool covered in moss came to mind. Yeah, that's probably what would happen. Yuck.

And I must admit, I'm a wimpy girl. Lawn mowing is not my forte. Let me share my first lawn mowing experience a few years back. So, I thought I'd be super cool and surprise Mark by mowing the yard. I pull out the lawn mower, pull that oh so long string...and hmmm...nothing. Shit. 50 pulls later and one sore arm, I rack my brain about what I'm doing wrong. I dunno. Hmmmm...ok well I can't call Mark or there goes the surprise. So I call my next best guy, Mikey!!! So, uh, Mikey, if I wanted to like start a lawn mower, how does one do that? He was super sweet and didn't laugh his ass off at me (at least on the phone) and directed me to the cute little red button on the side of the mower. "You need to prime it"...Uh, what? What the hell is that? Prime what? And what does prime mean? I don't have to prime my car, it just starts, why can't this little thing start without it? Ok fine, I won't argue with the mower about it's obvious limitations. Thanks, Mikey, I'll try that. Presto!! Sheesh, what a pain in the butt. So that was my first mowing experience.

Of course, I'm a seasoned mower now (*cough) and know all about these mowing things. Yet, it never fails, that after I've almost finished I run out of gas both for the mower and myself. Pulling that damn cord after I've mowed for like an hour is just ridiculous. One time my neighbor felt so sorry for me, he came over and pulled it. Argh. There goes girl power. Who invented this piece of crap. A man who was A.) right-handed and B.) had extremely long arms.
Anywho, so yes it happened again today. Two triangles left and the damn thing runs out of gas. I run and get the gas (spilling it on me slightly, what's up with that little opening in the back of the gas can!! Bah!), pour gas in (uh, and I must say i'm getting alot better at this), and attempt to restart. Only took me 4 tries.

Then my brain whisks me away to my usual thought after spilling gas on me...if I put clothes that have gas on them in the dryer will it explode? Hmmm...not sure about that one. If I wash them first I think the chances go way down on that one. But still...ya never know.

So yeah, that's me today.

Recycle Your Life

Melissa's Thursday Challenge:

Recycle your life!

So what does that mean? I have recently decided to set down my materialistic consumer ways, for a new way - recycling. And no I'm not talking about throwing cans and newspaper in a bin.

I'm talking about rediscovering the things you once loved, and probably still do. Things collecting dust in your corner, things you though you were tired of.

I've found so many things that I'd forgotten about, but still love.

My "Finds":

1. My old Matchbox 20 Mad Season CD. Dude, I love that CD. And suddenly its no longer old to me! I'm listening to it now.

2. A pair of capris I had marked for donation. Wearing them today!

3. A t-shirt I picked up in hawaii. Wearing it now.

4. A good book - Journey of Desire. Already read it, but damn if reading it again doesn't rock my world.

5. An awesome movie - I pulled out my old Brotherhood of the Wolf DVD. Good stuff.

6. Ice tea - finally using the ice tea bags I bought that were hanging out in the back of the pantry. Tasty!

7. Drawing pad. I miss drawing! Pulled that out last week and started back up.

Anywho, those are what i found to recycle. What about you?

All grown up!

Today, my little man got a tooth! Like most mothers, my finger is constantly searching around for that first tooth. So today I was feeding Hayden and noticed that the spoon was sticking more than usual when he bit down. Sure enough, there's a little tooth poking out. Nothing much to see now, but you can definitely feel the sharp little bugger!

Then we finish eating and I put him down to play on the floor. He's pretty much crawling now, so he enjoys floor time. I go over to the kitchen to grab some lunch, and when I come back...presto...he's sitting up!! I put him down on his tummy. He continued to impress me with his sitting up skills for the next hour.

Sheesh, when babies change, it's by leaps and bounds. Tooth and sitting all in one day!

I'm trying to wait as long as possible before I go buy the baby corral. But, I may need to go get it sooner than I thought. He's pretty much mobile. Now he's trying to follow me around the house. Unfortunately for him, his crawling is pretty much at a snail's pace. So by the time he gets to where I was, I'm not there anymore!

Also, I guess the swing days are numbered. He's anti-stationary! He wants to be loose and tumbling around. Plus he's getting big! I think these swings have a max weight of 20 lbs. He's already probably at least 18 if not bigger. We'll find out next month at the doctor's office.

And, I finally stopped nursing him. Harder for me than him. He wanted the instant gratification of the bottle, not the comfort of mommy. Sniff Sniff. It's been over two weeks now. I'm pretty much over it. It was definitely a unique bonding experience that I'll miss. But someone needs to inform my boobs about this new development, cause they're still the same size! I guess the cup change is permanent? Hmmm...

Friends

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life



Yeah...I wish I could have changed things. I wish I could have done things differently. I wish I was different. I wish I knew the right words to say. How about you? How many friends have you "lost"?

6

Ode to Sweat

Oh Sweat, how nasty art thou?
But if I didn't work out I'd be as big as a cow.

You are no sweet aroma,
Nor look good - chic or dude,
Except maybe supermodels
Who never eat food.

Thank goodness for showers,
They have super powers
Which shoo you away for the day.


HA! My rhyming is atrocious, but nevertheless, my point is made. Feels good to work out, I just hate getting sweaty. Yuck. I think this is a new blog record for me, 3 posts in one day. Wooooot. I must be feeling chatty.

Free Hugs

P.S. We all have bad days. I'm giving out free hugs at my house. I'll even throw in a cup of coffee.

One of my favorite ideas: http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

Disclaimer: I'm not as cuddly as a teddy bear. Offer only valid for friends. Crazies need not apply.

Re-Creation

Over the past few days I've been thinking about all the wonderful subjects I could blog about. And since I'm terribly opinionated, there were many. I think I'm even blogging in my head. But, today a new situation popped up that brought everything I've been thinking about together.

Some of you...I think...may be wondering where all these topics come from? Is my blog directed at someone in particular? Am I angry at something? Am I disapproving of someone? Hmmm...good questions. I will attempt to answer all these and more!

Important Point #1 (and only):

My friends read this blog. I hope.

This means that I cannot bitch about my friends on this blog. Well, I guess I could. But then I'd be an idiot with no friends. And I'm not denying the desire to bitch. I think a lot of us have it (us being a general term, no particular person in mind). I admire greatly those (again general, but definitely not including myself) who do not possess this difficult to break habit.

So what do I do with this desire? I may bitch about the person to another friend (totally bad habit) or to my husband (who doesn't care). But when it comes to blogging, I always do this...I take that issue and internalize it. Why don't I like it? Is it because it remind me of something I do? Or a bad trait I have? Generally the answer is yes. So, even though the original thought came from them, I soon realize that my offenses are FAR worse than theirs, and it's really me I should be bitching about. I discover horrible traits and qualities in myself that I didn't even know were there.

Here's an example: Let's say my bitch starts out with a friend using a mobile device too much (which we all acknowledge and kid about). And trust me, if you're thinking "She's talking about me!!!" You're right. All of you mobile abusers!! You're not alone. It's an epidemic, not an isolated case with my friends. I think about that habit and look at myself. What about me? What am I doing? I'm blogging about spending time with Hayden, instead of actually spending time with Hayden!!! Eeek. I'm taking and posting pics of my baby instead of enjoying him. I'm checking email and chatting all day, I'm a wreck. Much worse then my mobile friends.

A little side note, Hayden is napping in the swing and he just started laughing in his sleep. Melts my heart.

But here's the moral of today's lesson: I am a messed up and imperfect person. Which is painfully obvious if you read this blog. I'm trying to fix things (with the help of God, cause doing it on my own has shown no improvement). I also need to develop more interests, so I spend less time in other people's lives and more time in my own. And that is just what I'm going to do, good day!

Why Can't We Just Be Ourselves

Beautiful image is from cesarastudillo.

Why is it we pretend to be what we're not? Hide what we truly love? Assess our "coolness" factor? Betray what we're passionate about? All for the approval of others. The opinion of others. I've decided to stop hiding. I will be me. I will not apologize for being me. I will not be embarrassed of my likes, dislikes, passions, or ...of me. And I will surround myself with those who do the same.

I am declaring to the world the following:

1. I love World of Warcraft
2. I hate Martinis
3. I love Harry Potter books and movies
4. I love Star Wars, but only the original 3.
5. I love Star Trek, but only the Next Generation.
6. I love big furry slippers
7. I love movies about ghosts and ships, and if its about ghosts on ships, even better.
8. Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink, followed closely by Mellow Yellow.
9. My favorite animated Disney movie is Sleeping Beauty ( I also love Beauty and the Beast).

10. If I could pick any Halloween costume, I'd be a pirate.
11. I love skirts and sarongs.
12. I love to fish. But hate to take the fish off the hook.
13. I hate Sex in the City. There, I admitted it.
14. I love CSI (Las Vegas only), Law and Order, Murder She Wrote, and Heroes.
15. I love mystery/thriller/suspense novels.
16. I like to scrapbook.
17. I don't like going to bars unless there's something to do. (Dance, pool, hookahs)
18. I love the Fall season
19. October-December is my favorite holiday season.
20. I love to draw and paint.
21. I hate oysters.
22. I love trains.

So there's a little about me you may or may not know. I'm not hiding anymore, so neither should you. What are YOU worried about showing others? And why?

Is there any reason you can't be genuine? REAL? Set down the mask and show us who you really are behind the lies we tell ourselves.

Sometimes you tell yourself so many lies you don't even remember who you are anymore.

I'm Unique, Just Like Everyone Else

First, let me give credit where credit is due. Photo is from Ingorr on Flickr.

This morning has been interesting. I've been exploring other blogs on Blogger. Not too much going on actually, we're all leading quite boring lives. Except maybe those of us in other countries, I can't really read your blog (I can only speak English, and order food in Spanish), so maybe you guys are doing interesting things. I'll never know.



I found:

1.) Quite a few of us are trying to lose weight. No surprise there.
2.) Many of us are pissed at one friend or another. Too bad we're not perfect. HA! A thought just came into my head...if we all had blogs I'm sure there would be at least one person blogging about what an ass I was at any given moment.
3.) Alot of blogs are totally bullshit advertisements. What a freakin waste of space.
4.) Alot of us are keeping our blogs anonymous. Not me of course, which has been an interesting choice for me. Cuts down on the topics, like the afore mentioned bitching about friends.
5.) Some of us are freakin amazing artists, either visually or verbally. Wow guys. I hope you're not squandering your talent on blogging. Cause people need to read/see your stuff!

So weird, I'm blogging about other people blogging. Is that like taking a picture of someone taking a picture of you? Hmmmmm...that's one to ponder while on the toilet.

Anyway, new topic. I've been seriously considering trying to start up my painting again. I'm starting to have longer chunks of time. Maybe even enough to work on a painting or two. It's been so long though that I honestly would suck. My drawing is horrible right now. For me drawing has always been a talent only through practice, same as my piano. If I get away from it, it turns to shit. Well, I always keep some retained talent in piano, but only because I took lessons for over 10 years. Had to have been worth something.

Interesting tidbit about me...I only paint when I drink. So maybe this should be more of a night time hobby. Drinking at 10am doesn't sound good...or does it? Just kidding. Drinking just takes the edge off. Removes the little voice inside that says the painting is going to turn out shitty. But don't drink too much, or it will!!! I guess you could pass it off as abstract. (The entire abstract art community just gasped and passed out at the comment - sorry guys, I love your work).

It's been raining here, for, well forever. And surprisingly, I haven't gotten stir crazy. I guess my little man has been keeping me thoroughly entertained. Hayden that is, not Mark. ;) But I've always liked rain. There was a bit of time after Hayden was born that I would get pretty depressed when it was raining out, but that seems to have passed.

Postpartum depression is definitely a real thing, that even visited my crazy brain. No idea what it is or why it is, but I was totally down there for a few months. And then, like a cloud dissipating, it was gone. I could suddenly get up off that couch, smile, enjoy the day, enjoy Hayden, not be so lonely. Maybe it had something to do with starting exercising again too. That definitely helps my moods. I have to admit that I've been slacking on that front. Yes I ADMIT IT. But, thanks to my truly gorgeous friend Jenny, I worked out today. She inspires me to get off my lazy ass. She's beautiful and in good shape, yet still gets out there and works out; so why shouldn't I? After chatting with her for a few minutes, I got up and worked out, from sheer shame.

I recently saw "A Good Year". I liked it. Nothing monumental, but it did make me want to go out and buy a bottle of wine. If that was the intended purpose - it worked.

I also saw "Invincible", again a good movie. But left me with one question: How the hell did his wife pack up and move all their shit out of the house in one day? I guess Mark is lucky to have such a lazy wife. I'd be "leaving him" for a month. Plenty of time for him to figure it out. No surprise empty house scene. I'd still be cussing and searching around for cardboard boxes.

Tomorrow I'm treating my inner girl to one of my favorite movies - The Sound of Music. Screw anyone who has a problem with that movie, I love it.

Another dinner with friends tonight - I'll be sure to take pics for my wall!!!

Not Rotting My Brain

I have discovered some important truths about life today. Yes, I'm slow - it's taken me 26 years to figure these things out.

1.) My mother was right. TV does rot your brain.
2.) God was right. Material stuff will never make you happy.
3.) Old folks were right. Technology is not always a good thing.

There! Three essentials to happy living. To explain: First, I have had some of my most depressed days just sitting around watching TV. Being a stay at home Mom, I have learned that the TV must not even be turned on, because once it's on, it doesn't like to turn off!! It takes over your mind and you become passive and lazy. With the TV off, life turns on. The possibility of the day unfolds to you. You have every opportunity at your feet. Yes, you must do those things that need to get done. But in those spare few minutes you can taste life. A cold glass of ice tea out on the porch. A few pages of a wonderful novel. A brief conversation with a friend. A thankful prayer. A sunset or sunrise (I don't usually make it up for that). Watching the rain fall. Listening to the thunder. Trying out a new recipe. Enjoying a glass of wine. A dinner with friends (at home! I'll come back to that later). Playing with your baby. Smelling the freshly washed clothes you're folding. Watering a few plants. Taking a few pictures. Possibilities are endless. But turn on that TV and your day will suddenly be filled with the latest crappy movie, episodes of CSI, HGTV, you name it. And what did you gain for it? You watched someone else live the life you want. You were tempted by the advertisement of the possession you don't currently own. You saw the preview for the next show or movie coming on. But nothing real.

Back to dinner at home, what is with our culture of eating? So many restaurants. Eating has become entertainment. No wonder we're all so fat. I have recently started the practice of inviting friends to dinner at home, not out at a restaurant. And the experience has been so much better. There is something wonderful about opening your home to friends and family, sharing your life. Getting personal. We are a people of closed doors and not even knowing our neighbors. How sad. So lonely.

My second lesson I've learned, stuff won't make you happy. The laptop, the new car, the new kitchen gadget collecting dust, the cute clothes for the baby, the bigger house, all of it. Just metal, plastic, fabric, wood, nothing. Yet we strive our whole lives for the next purchase. Just a little more. Just one more thing. The newest, latest, greatest whatever. Our houses are the graveyards of Walmart, Target, and department store purchases. Just collecting dust. Rotting. Rusting. Gone.

The third lesson is really about busyness. Are you enjoying life or are you so "plugged in" that you spend all your time reading pointless emails and sending text messages? Are you missing your real life for the little device in your hand? Or the computer on your desk? The phone on your ear? Can you really just turn it off? Not on silent, not on vibrate, but off? What is it that you think you'll miss? Why do you need to know right now? What can't wait an hour, 4 hours, a day? Is it more important than your life? Do you know how to be still? I mean STILL.

Try this for me:

Take one day. One day out of the thousands in your life.

1.) Don't turn on the TV.
2.) Don't buy anything.
3.) Turn off the cell phone, the computer, the blackberry, the trio, all the little buzzing and noisy gadgets of your life.
4.) Learn what it's like to be unreachable.
5.) Watch a sunset
6.) Slow down the pace.


It's just one day. One little day. And everyone has a day. I don't care who you are. All your excuses are bullshit.